I can't live like this anymore

[Whatsthepoint2410]

Hi. I am not sure how to start. I suppose it started when I was just 19. I have never told anyone this so it's very hard to even write.

If you are easily offended then perhaps you should stop reading. When I was 19 I slipped a disc in my back and trapped the sciatic nerve and the nerve that is responsible for sexual sensation. The nerve has never healed.

When I am intimate with my partner of 17 years I feel nothing. She does not know the truth. I have had to take it every time.

I feel like less than man. I am now 41 and lived with this for so long I am a so down and depressed all the time. It has ruined every aspect of my life. I take satisfaction in literally nothing I do. I have become completely numb. I do not enjoy being a partner or a Dad at all.

My kids are the only reason I have not ended my complete misery and agony of life. It's absolute torture.

It's getting harder everyday. I am in tears writing this. What did I do wrong to deserve this? It's been 22 years of hell. Surely my death would be a mercy killing??

Can anyone help me? Is it hopeless? Thanks for reading and sorry if I upset or offended you. It was not my intention. I just needed to get this of my chest.

Thanks

Anonymous

[Rhe-bee]

None of this is offensive in any way, It’s very understandable. So no need to apologize for how you’re feeling and what you’re going through. I myself don’t have a damaged sciatic nerve, but I definitely have had plenty of problems handling intimacy and always a very very low sex drive, which can take a toll on my partner sometimes. But from my experience, I can tell you that because I was honest and open with him about it and really let him know how I felt about it, he ended up being really supportive and wanted to find a healthy solution and get me feeling right again ( emotionally ). It took me a good amount of time to tell someone about this, and it took a huge chunk out of me, I felt nothing for a long time.

I think you should seriously consider sitting with your partner and let go of those barriers you’ve put up to somehow spare her from dealing with your problems. She’s been there for 17 years, maybe more, I can imagine she can handle something like this and want to make sure you’re taken care of. Hiding the pain of what your going through will only show and amplify through your actions and emotions over time. You’re not hopeless, I promise. And I really hope you never give up. I can’t imagine the struggle you’re dealing with, but I know it’s something you can overcome and find peace within yourself. There’s many ways to get intimate with your partner without worrying about the physicality of it all. Realize that you’re not less of a man because of this, in fact it makes you more of man. You’ve held on this long, that in itself is a beautiful thing and I think you can do this. I know it’s hard to let out something you’ve been holding in for this long, but it’s taking a toll on you. Bite the bullet and maybe try a new strategy, the scary one. It could be that first step into changing your life completely.

I really hope this helps even just a little bit in pushing you to realize you’re not hopeless.

[Whatsthepoint2410 in reply to Rhe-bee]

Thank you very much for your kind words.

I have often thought of telling me partner however knowing her as I do I am absolutely positive that it would not go down very well. I think there may be an initial period of sympathy but she would rightly feel betrayed by me keeping this to myself. It was cause a problem that I have been fakingit for so long and she would not be able to handle the fact that she can't satisfy me. I would soon be comforting her and reassuring her that I do want to satisfy her which would them make intimacy extremely awkward as she would know I can't feel a thing.

I am sure it would not be long until our relationship would be over. I suppose I am being selfish as she would be happier with someone else. Someone who can enjoy intimacy with her and be generally more happy with life than me. Maybe I should just be on my own?

So sorry to go on like this. It's the first time I have spoken about this. I haven't spoken to anyone not even a family member.

Thanks for your kind words. All the best.

Anonymous

[Rhe-bee]

I completely understand, and I’m happy you are talking about this finally. I can tell you love your wife very much and want to give her the things she needs in a relationship. I understand the fear of messing things up for someone else or feeling like they’d be better with someone other than you. But the thing is, relationships aren’t just about the physical pleasures. She loves you and she may possibly take it very hard in the beginning. I think that given the circumstances of your health and how your nerve is damaged by no fault of your own, she would come to understand that you were in fear of how it would make her feel. She would come to understand how it made you feel, how it caused you to feel so numb emotionally. There’s pain for you involved as well, and it’s not fair that you suffer to make things perfect for the people around you. Sometimes you have to do what’s right for yourself if you want to lift that huge weight off your shoulders. If you don’t mind, I just want to ask, and I don’t mean to offend at all. What if it turns out that keeping in all this for the rest of your life causes your marriage to end? Sometimes the right choice isn’t the easy one, it’s usually the scary one that makes you already assume the complete worst. But listen, you can handle the bumps that come along with this. You’ve lost something that is important to you and has changed you, and here you are still. If you couldn’t handle this, you would have given up a long time ago. I know I don’t know your wife or yalls relationship, I Just want to help in any way I can. I just want you to know that, if she loves you unconditionally and wants you to be happy, she will understand. That I know for certain.

[Whatsthepoint2410 in reply to Rhe-bee]

Thank you once again for the kind words. I will certainly consider what you have said. I can hope that if I do talk to my partner that it would have a positive outcome. Unfortunately I fear the worse.

I Wish I had a magic wand and could make myself better. I really appreciate this opportunity to talk to someone and think I should of done this many years ago. Instead I lied to all the doctors saying that I don't need help and that I am ok. I always thought what's the point to talking to someone as nothing anyone does can give me back the feeling I have lost?

Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in my own personal hell with no support or backing. I have to lie and pretend to enjoy something I don't. It kills me inside during intimacy whilst wearing a fake smile.

I just don't know what to do. I have come to think of death as a freedom from this misery. A bit like leaving jail after a life sentence I suppose. I don't even know what I did to deserve this punishment? I must of been a horrible person in a previous life??

Thanks for your time and your words.

All the best

Anonymous

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Whatsthepoint2410]

You are not a bad person and please do consider carefully what to do as you are right; not everyone would take this sort of thing well. It would be the lying for so long that may hurt. I had a partner that basically faked orgasm for a number of years. I had and still have a sexual problem which I have no need to go into here but we both ended up going to therapy for me. It was during this time that she asked to see the therapist by herself one week and then a few days later suddenly came out with the truth that she'd been faking all this time. What hurt me so much was that when I met her she knew I had a problem and I said to her "No matter what be honest with me in all things including sexual." To be honest I really wouldn't have minded had she told me at outset she had a problem but what hurt was the fact that she hadn't trusted me enough or in any case felt compelled though there was no need to to lie to me for all that time. I don't think I ever trusted her again.

So do think carefully. Another avenue though may be to finally confide in a doctor and ask if anything can be done as it is possible that this is something which could be helped. Although once again I would understand your reticence because they may well want to involve your wife in trying out different things with you and them of course it would all come out.

Take it as a big step that you've told people on here. And please please please don't think you're a bad person. You're a person in pain and doing the best they can in life and sometimes life and the situations we are faced with can feel overwhelming. We all need support so well done for posting up about this. Maybe it will even help someone else worried about the same issue.

Gemmalouise xxxx

[Whatsthepoint2410 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thank you very much for your kind words. I will consider what you have said. Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts and reply with your own.

I only put my thoughts on a couple of hours ago and have received such positive responses. It is a little overwhelming.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. After the operation I spoke to the specialist who said the nerve will never heal and unfortunately they were right. I think I might need to speak to the G.P and see if there's anyway of making it easier to deal with.

Many thanks, all the best

Anonymous

[Stilltrying_]

Sounds like a plan X

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello, welcome and thank you so much for trusting us with your story. We are sorry this has been so difficult for you since your accident. Well done for opening up and Rhe-bee talks a lot of sense. In the years since your injury and damage there has been a lot of medical advances, perhaps even something that the Urology Consultants or the Neurologists can now help you. Maybe it is worth speaking with your GP? Certainly it is worth talking with your partner and it could lift a great weight from your shoulders. Trust in your partner, good luck and very best wishes for the future.

There are psychosexual counsellors as well as the Sexual Advice Association which have websites and information available to all.

sexualadviceassociation.org.uk

Email service [e-mail]. Within this website are links to psychosexual counsellors and therapists.

British association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

CORST - College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists.

MAS Nurse.

[Lisajaynedavies]

We are all here for you. I echo the wise words of all those that replied back to you. Honesty is the best policy but if you fear that you could potentially lose your wife then seek professional advice, once you have a much more balanced and clear perspective maybe then revisit it. You have held this in for so long suffering alone without any help, it’s time to repair and heal. Well done for taking this massive life changing step.

[Doneanddusted]

Hello anonymous, sounds like you need someone to talk to have you tried to seak help in your local doctors maybe they have someone who can help. Being as it's been 22 years they might very well have found some kind of treat or small operation that might help.

I have no idea. Not being medically minded.

Really I guess I just wanted you to know you are not on your own.

This site saved my life about 2 years ago I was at the end of anymore than I could take stuck in a black hole. I thought me ending my life would have been a god send to everyone.

I had a couple of people on here who basically didn't judge me they just reminded that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

So if you feel like you don't want to be here anymore reach out and talk to someone (even me)

You have beautiful children you reason you are still here and by all tens and purposes a wife that obviously still fancies you.

Count your blessings go see someone and take it 1 step at a time!

Good luck

Doneanddusted. ✌️

[Hidden]

Hiya, so sorry to hear about your situation. I agree with what other posters have said. The people on this site have a wealth and knowledge about anxiety, depression and facing complex issues and I guess they know better than anyone what you are dealing with. Of course, only you can make these decisions and I fully understand how difficult that must be for you. I do think though the replies show that there are options available to you and that with the right help and support you will successfully get through this. Show yourself some compassion and give yourself the space and time to recover - you deserve to be a happy family.