Heart broken. Is it my fault?

i feel completely heart broken and lost. I had been with my partner for just over a year and a half. The beginning i believed to be good, i had no doubts. A couple of months in, his ex turned around and said she had slept with him behind my back, which he denied and put it down to her being sour. At the time i decided to accept that. He has a big past he has slept with over 80 women and he is 26 years old, where as i am only 21 and my past is very tame. At the beginning he used to talk about his past a lot, which made me stupidly try and be on his level and lie about mine making out i had slept with more than i had, because it made me feel insecure that i had not slept with many people at all. i felt guilty about lying and eventually came clean about it and explained that him speaking about his past sort of made it seem like a competition and made me feel pretty low, so he stopped. However, about 10 months into our relationship, my mumand dad split up, my mum left my dad for another man and it broke my heart. i was a mess.

From this kind of point, i started bringing up things from the past to my boyfriend. i would ask him about the encounters he had had before, to expand on them, like i needed to know who he had been with, when he had been with them, if they were better than me etc. my self esteem was terrible. i was adamant that he might be hiding something, and i later on found that he had spoken to a random girl who had seen him on a night out at the start of our relationship saying she was "fit" and wanted to meet up with her, and i also found out he had been speaking to one of his exs who he has a lot of history with when he completely denied that he had ever spoken to her whilst being together. i was heart broken that he had lied to me. But since then, i have been so wary. it made me ask more questions incase there was other girls i didnt know about that he had spoke to or been innapropriate with, leading to really having retroactive jealousy. it really put me down a lot. Sometimes he would understand but more often than not he got angry and would make comments like "your tapped in the head" or "your a psycho" but i was genuinely suffering. I tried to get better with it, but its hard when i just cant help but be wary about other girls with him now, i guess because the trust was broken.

But in my last post, i said how we had split up for the first time a few weeks back, and less than a day later he messaged 2 girls who he knew i was insecure about, being quite flirty which really hurt me. he was adamant he was sorry and only spoke to them because he wanted to take his mind off me because he was upset. he begged and begged for me to give him another chance, saying "let me prove to you that i love you and that its a mistake to give up" i felt like for my own peace of mind i needed to give this another go.

So here i am, 2 weeks later. He said he would be more understanding about asking about things from his past which were within reason, but he wasnt really. he flipped out over the most minor questions and instead of answering me properly sometimes he would drag it out and ignore the question and just have a go at me which would make me so anxious and hurt. He said he wouldnt do anything to hurt me, yet he put me on loud speaker in his car infront of his friends when i rung him upset because of my anxiety and depression which was worse as we had argued, laughing at me ridiculing me on the phone giving me all sorts of abuse. He then the next day lied and denied that he was in his car infront of his friends really and that i was on loudspeaker in his room on his own, - i know he was lying because i could hear myself on his car speakers, so even though i know this 100% he continues to deny it and make me feel like i am mad. And then me being me i wanted to work it out and he told me he would ring me the night after to try and sort something out, i waited all night. instead, he hurt me by going into town on a massive night out and didnt get home until 6 the next morning. this hurt because in our relationship, i was insecure of him going to town because he used to go there when he was single basically to hook up with girls every night, and he said to me near the start that "i wouldnt ever stay in town past midnight because your only there for one reason otherwise" - yet he was there till past 5. So he decided to hurt me by doing that and then when i asked him where he had been, he kept changing his story. why is there need to lie about where you have been? this just tipped me over the edge and made me feel even more miserable. i confronted him that he told me two different stories and he tried to make me feel mad again and refused that he had said what he had to me.

i am just so hurt because i love him so much it hurts, so why would he do these things to me? i get to some people it might not be that big, but him lying about things i know are true make me think, well what else could he lie about?

So i decided to try and break up with him, and he is filling my head with things saying i am the one who has ruined this relationship and he has done nothing wrong :( it makes me feel so horrible because it makes me think, is it me? :( Am i to blame for this? cause in my head all i can see is that i loved him and i tried to get over my insecurities but it was hard, so i tried to ask him and open up. he brings up when i lied at the start about sleeping with more people than i have saying "well you lied to me so im not innocent" but i feel like what i lied about was a self esteem thing, not maliciously intending to hurt him or hide something bad :( i just need advice and help because i feel so hopeless and hurt right now. i feel like i love him so much and the thought of him moving on and being happy with someone else and living the life i dreamed of with him getting married, having children etc kills me. what if he finds someone and treats them the way i wanted him to treat me and not lie or hurt them :(

6 Replies

  • He does not sound like he is cut out for a relationship just now. I feel also you need to work on your insecurity

  • Well, I can only comment on how what you are experiencing is similar to how I felt and why I broke up with my husband.

    For me it was all about trust. I had health problems that led to my depression, it wasn't help with my husband keeping secrets from he. When I queried him about it I was told to mind my own business. When I asked for help with my health problems he told me I was the only one that could help me. He started going out and not saying where he was going as well.

    The trust totally went from our marriage. I knew he'd slept with a lot of married women when he was younger and that he met me after he decided to leave his first wife. When our marriage came to the crunch point I told him I could only see 2 options for us. Those were 1. go to marriage counselling , 2. spilt for 3 months and see how things go. He chose option 2, I was really disappointed but accepted that was what he wanted to do. Then he told me that he was moving in with a woman and her son, who just split with her husband. This was after he told my Mum he had lots of options as to where to stay. My sister had even offered him the house that she rents out.

    I told him if that was where he was going then he was to get out at the weekend and that I would be filing for divorce. He was shocked and after I told him that although I was ill I was not stupid.

    It hurt truly hurt to tell him to go because I had spent 15 years with him, 14 of those believing that we had a good partnership and that we were soul mates. I cried a lot and I was willing to take him back if he came and asked. I was willing to do that for the first 6 months, then something clicked while I was talking things over with my Mum and I realised he would not change and that I was better off without him.

    You've given your boyfriends so many chances and all that happens is that you end up being hurt. My husband blamed me for the break up and wouldn't accept that he was partly to blame as well. Sounds like your boyfriend is doing the same with you, probably thinking you are not strong enough to say "No".

    You have to think about yourself. Yes, it's going to be painful for a while, but you owe it to yourself to be happy and be with someone you can trust. You need to decide if you are willing to be brow beaten all the time or if you are going to be a strong, happy person. After what I've been through I personally would take the strong happy person any day, even if it means being alone for a while.

    Give yourself time to heal, find out what classes and techniques you can do the help build your self-confidence and self-esteem as it sounds like they've taken a real beating at the moment.

    You are young, please, please, please think about you and what you want to achieve in life and what type of person you want to be with. If you need to find someone who can talk to about this and help you work out what you want.

    You have your whole life a head of you, this should be a happy time for you, either finishing your studies or getting your career started you shouldn't have to be dealing with this.

    Be kind to yourself please.

    If you want to PM I'd be happy for you to do that.

    Take care and I hope this has helped.

  • Hey Kw94xx, ask yourself why you really love him. What has he done to make you feel loved, because you do deserve to be loved. If you find that your partner is not able to give you the love you want from him, you have to take care of yourself. Love yourself, for if you don't, your partner will take you for granted and not give you what you truly deserve.

    Trust yourself, trust your gut instincts. Does it seem to you that your partner is throwing accusations back at you, making it sound like it's all in your head and that it's all your fault because you are stopping him to do what he wants to do? Do you think what he's doing is good for you?

    Wishing you clarity and strength. xoxo.

  • I remember going through all of this with you not long ago and nothing has changed. You may hold on for as long as you want and prolong the agony but really you need to get out of this situation and face up to whatever is at the back of this. Some people just cannot stand being alone and having to face themselves but believe me once you have done this you will become stronger and realise the world doesn't end because you are alone.

    I am not going to write any more as I think you know all of this but keep on hanging on as it's still easier for you at the moment. It will all end anyway but I think maybe you want to wait for that and let it be really long and drawn out;maybe you are the kind of person who needs the message to be hammered home in that way. It will end. You will have to face how you feel on your own. I have been through this and actually it's not as bad as you think as everything moves on and life flows and once one phase is over you just move into another. Have faith.

    Gemma xxx

  • He doesn't sound good for you. Cut him off completely. He comes back cos he knows you will take him back. You have trust issues and insecurities that need to be worked on and if you can't trust him now it won't ever work out now or in the future. And younknow deep down this isn't the one for you. A person who really loves you won't make you feel less than them or be verbally abusive (calling you psycho). Work on yourself. Believe in yourself and the right one will come along. Find someone who is good to you and someone who is good for your mental health as well. Good Luck! Sending a hug your way!

  • You know what your better off without him. My husband soon to be ex lied,cheated and abused me and it's only till we are not together I can see what he is really like. He played mind games with me and it was horrible. I was with him for 18 years and would have been married 10 years this August,don't get me wrong we had some really good times but it was the lies that got me and hurt me so much. You will be OK you know please take care x

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