still the same as every day

[RachelN]

I feel awful and have nobody to talk too on a daily basis. When I talk to somebody it doesn't help. It seems to make it worse. I usually start crying a lot. No idea how to continue and if I even want to. I don't want to be alive anymore.

[Satsuma]

RachelN I was like that til recently although I am not better I am more stable than I was. If you read my posts you will see how bad I was. It is like you are on pins .. The slightest thing can affect you deeply.. I was indeed suicidal and was at the cusp. I had plans and back up plans. I had it all worked out. It was a matter of when and ilke I say I was so close. I removed myself from a negative situation and have made some changes. I feel much better but I have a long way to go to where I want to.

Can you tell me what is your living situation like ? Are you eating a good diet ? I understand you feel like it is groundhog day and hats off to you for speaking out about how you feel. You are on the first step to recovery and now all you have to do is address your issues. No rush though as things cannot change overnight. One day at a time.

I wrote some poems, maybe you can resonate with them.

[RachelN in reply to Satsuma]

I live with my girl friend. We eat vegan and in addition i eat gluten free. I cant talk to her about how I feel. It is to painful for her and it makes her feeling bad. When I try to we have an argument and she keeps telling me that she can't talk about her feelings and has to hide how she feels. I am confused and feel pulled in different directions at the same time. I wish I could take some time off from everything. But I can't I have to find a new job. Wait for medical tests and dial with the symptoms. When I want to talk with her about my health and my worries and related things she gets upsets and angry and is worried how she would cope once I am dead or in hospital. She has no income and no job. I am constantly thinking about how to support her and what I could do to help after my death. If there is something I could do now to help afterwards. I am not rich and have no job currently. My family is not rich either. I have no idea. I feel miserable and surrender by lots of walls of problems. I can't even cry when is around that what hurt her.

[Satsuma in reply to RachelN]

OK I am sorry to hear your situation. Sounds very much to me like you are in a toxic relationship and it is very negative. You have virtually no support. if you eliminate the toxins and you will find you will cope much better although you will not be fully healed. I say this as you can't talk to her how you feel. That is toxic in itself. I have experienced toxic relationships with people. Relationships are about give and take and need to be flexible. It sounds like there is neither of these qualities in yours. However, with the right tools situations can be fixed.

[Hidden in reply to RachelN]

Hi I don't want to insult your intelligence but I assume you are taking vitamin B12 as all vegans need to? If you are lacking in this it could be adversely affecting your mood. x

[Hidden]

Hi Rachael, I am so sorry that you are in this bad situation. I can't give much advice because I am not as knowledgable as some of the others here - all I can offer is someone to talk to if you feel the need - I am here daily for my own support and I'm trying to give a bit back to the community.

I read your other posts and I was similar to you in that I didn't want to take anti-depressants. However, after hitting rock bottom my GP prescribed sertraline and I really think it is beginning to have an effect. I know everyone is different but I can only talk about my own experience.

Take care and remember we're here when you need us.

[Hidden]

Dear RachelN, If you do nothing, nothing will ever change.Anti-depressants can get you out of that do nothing stage. They take some time to kick in,but when they do you will notice a difference in your outlook. Talk to your Doctor and google them to find out how they work. You don't have to take them forever and you'll be less afraid if you have some knowledge about them.

Your relationship sounds like you feed off each others problems. Why can't your girlfriend work and why is it your responsibility to care for her even after death? You need to be caring for you, getting yourself mentally and physically well Ideally both partners contribute to a relationship . Yours seems a little out of balance.

You probably need to talk about this and when you do it does make you feel bad. It's easier to ignore our problems than to bring them out into the light of day. Facing them is hard but you have to in order to take control of your life.

I've had depression and anxiety and believe me it is hard work but well worth it.Please take care of yourself. Vm

[BettyA]

Oh my, I am so sorry Rachel... you are kind of in 'over your head'.... You really and truly need to visit with a therapist... First thing I would do is talk with my dr and explain (HONESTLY AS YOU CAN...don't soften it up!) that you really need help in finding your way back to a so called 'normal life'... Sounds like your relationship is one of pure co-dependency and it is NOT helping you in any way... I know you probably just can't leave her in a hurry... but this is the MAIN reason why I think you need professional guidance... As you can tell, most of us are all thinking the same thing: your relationship is NOT a healthy one at ALL.... Please forgive me if I sound harsh...but it is what I would tell a relative or loved one: You are NOT going to get better one iota as long as you BELIEVE that you need to stay in that unhealthy relationship. PLEASE: help yourself. Call a DR (GP) and say you NEED therapy. Pills might help..but it won't solve this relationship problem.

I know its tempting to say "Oh but you just don't understand.." (been there, done that) ...but you see, we DO understand and can get a detached better view... Really we do care. Make a call as soon as you can. Don't even TRY talking anything over with your girlfriend... Just STOP that completely... (please? ) Take care.

[RachelN in reply to BettyA]

I cant leave her. She needs me as much as I need her. I wouldn't be alive without her. She is my reason to continue. I know if it was different she would help me if she could. Its complicate with us.

I am already in contact to my GP and they know all and I am still waiting to get help for the mental problem. At least the physical part is getting started. I got the pre-assessment appointment for the biopsy next week Friday. That was so quick. The doctor told me on Monday it would take 4 to 6 months. I still hope its nothing serious but they really rush it.

[BettyA]

Well, Rachel, you know what is best for you... so I just want to wish you the best of luck. Take care.