Hey...

[AmeliaIvy]

Hi guys,

Im just purely here to rant today about some stuff.

So, let me fill you in on whats happened. Me and my partner split up on Friday and I moved back in with my Dad. Ive been sent home from work and wrote off sick again from work until my medication can be balanced. Im beginning to lose more

When I went back to work, I felt fab. I genuinely felt like my life was getting back on track and I was getting better. Ive been put on a 8-2 shift for now until I tell my manager when i want to extend my hours. With the break up, moving etc, Ive been off this week and Im going to be off next week too as a pre-caution.

Anyway, one of my bestfriends is being really weird with me. Long story short,I was supposed to go to hers today for a few hours but I had to wait in for a delivery and advised her Ill come if it comes in the morning. It hasnt arrived so I messaged her explaining I cant come. Next thing I know, Im getting bombarded with messages saying Ive let her down, Im treating her as a "go to'" friend. I dont care about her etc.

Im not being funny but, right about now, I actually dont care. I dont care about her, her feelings, how hard her damn life is, how her freaking cat isn't giving her some bloody attention... I just do not care.

I know it sounds horrible but Im trying to pick myself up right now and thats hard enough for me. Trying to empathise with people is hard enough for me right now. Getting dressed, getting out of bed, eating is hard for me right now. Caring about how I look, what Im wearing, if Ive showered is literally no even on my list to care about. Nothing is. I feel numb.

Im sorry if Ive upset anyone on here from this post.

[Stilltrying_]

Lauren I'm sure you haven't upset anyone; you are just expressing how you feel. If you want to read seriously weird or upsetting then just head to my own post today.

I get where you are coming from ; you have enough on your plate not to deal with her distress. It is good she could tell you how she felt but also you have a right to feel how you do about things which is that you are up to here with your own stress let alone someone putting more demands on you.

I am sorry to hear about the breakup of your relationship. I think given time things will level out for you; you had to go back to work very quickly and an awful lot was happening all at once; so maybe now is the time for things to start to steady and settle.

Gemma xx

[AmeliaIvy in reply to Stilltrying_]

Lol thank you. It is hard, I'm just trying. She just makes everything 1000x more difficult than what it has to be in my eyes.

I'm hoping I can sort myself out now xx

[ilovemusic]

Hey there, just wanted to say I can very much relate to it being hard to get out of bed, get dressed and eat. At my lowest points there was no appetite and had to shuffle to the table with the energy of a 110 yr old & make myself chew & swallow food with no desire to. At least I get hungry now and a actually want to eat. Yay.

Sorry about yr breakup. Those are tough.

I can't judge your friend too much without knowing her side of things. To me it sounds like you both feel misunderstood by the other. I DO know that whenever I've texted rather than talked about any difficult feelings it has never resolved it and only made the misunderstanding grow. And pretty much every one I know has a crazy, miscommunication texting story. Talking is sooo much better. If she is truly one of your best friends then hopefully you two can talk & sort it out someday. Beneath anger is hurt and she may be fighting her own mental demons.

I know for me it's tough to care about others' lives when I barely care about my own. I feel numb almost all the time lately but I am going through the motions hoping it pays off in the future when I am magically NOT depressed haha. And it better be soon, man. Depression sucks so best of luck to you & hope you feel better soon.

[AmeliaIvy in reply to ilovemusic]

Its so hard. My manager phoned me up earlier and I was pretty proud of the fact that I even got out of bed today and got dressed. I stopped taking my medication 2 months ago and as people do, I've had my ups and downs but this past week has been awful. Usually my downs last 2-3 days but this has been a constant one. Ive decided to go back on my medication in the hopes that yeah, I'll feel better soon hopefully.

I do talk to my friend, about everything but she still sticks by the fact that I only go to her to vent or "use" her. Use her for what? I don't need anything from her. I dont want anything from her but her friendship... I've explained to her that i know Ive been a sack of poop for the past few months and Ive genuinely appreciate everything she has done for me. She knows if she every wants anything to let me know.

Due to being off work, she thinks its to do with work and it isn't. It feels like she's trying to put words into my mouth when she just constantly asks and pokes at me for it. I get why she would think that because last time i was off for 14 weeks because i had a breakdown but, not this time. Im recovering, or trying to atleast

Lauren xx

[ilovemusic]

Getting off meds can be really rough. I feel your frustration with the constant depression. I normally get depressed for a few hours or days but I've been constantly depressed for about two months now (which I think has something to do with the birth control I got on) and it just plain old SUCKS. Pretty tough to stay motivated, but I've got to believe things can change for the better. Actually, I do believe things can change for the better, since they have before, they could again. Good luck with the friend situation and with everything.

[AmeliaIvy in reply to ilovemusic]

Yeah especially seen as I just stopped taking them randomly and not ween off them. Birth control can do that, one of the bad side effects of it. Have you looked into changing it to something else?

[ilovemusic]

Yeah, just finished this month's pack and moving to a different brand so here's hoping!

[AmeliaIvy in reply to ilovemusic]

Fingers crossed for you x

[ilovemusic]

Thanks, you too!