Newbie

[volcano]

Hi all, Im new here and il try my best to explain myself in the fewest words possible...After almost two years of constant mental stress after I married in to a deceitful family ruined me mentally, I think I have now realised its more than just stress. My symptoms tells me I need help. Im scared to get help, scared to open up properly, as in I can tell my colleagues some things here and there but I think I show myself to be stronger than I really am. I feel like I'm changing and don't know who I am anymore. I tell my mum only so much because I already upset her enough with every thing that happens, I don't tell her how I feel. Sorry if its unclear, please feel free to ask questions. Thanks in advance guys

[Iluvhorses]

If you decide to seek help, please know that they are required to keep all information confidential. In addition, these people are very kind and nonjudgmental so you're free to tell them anything. Also you don't have to open up entirely right away so there's no pressure :). Good luck!

[BettyA]

Hi Volcano,

I am so sorry for what you are going through... You are a wise person to recognize that your symptoms have 'changed'... Have you visited with your GP? If not, that is usually Step One... I am sure you know that this will be 'up to you' to help yourself...to the Right HELP!... because you deserve that... So, when you visit with your dr just PLEASE tell him exactly the way you feel...do NOT try to undermine it... Maybe he will recommend a good therapist...someone you could talk with to 'unload' who would give you ideas as to how you could handle things or what kind of decisions are available that you can choose from. Do this right away and don't allow yourself to think 'well, I'm better today, we'll just postpone it. OK? OK! I take it from your post you are a 'girl' right?? Hopefully he is supportive but you never mentioned that... Best wishes to you.

[Hidden]

One thing I would advise in this case is talk to your GP, you need some respite from a very unpleasant period of your life

Problems with prospective in Laws can be stressful at the best of times, this part of your life  has been nasty although now over so move on.

My family was really nasty and I made decisions that opened up new horizons, now at least you can try and start again. There are always people around in life who have been hurt, and like you are looking for a new person who is honest and truefull so remember that and try not to mistrust or make any errors that have disturbed you and your life

We are always around if required

We all meet bad ones before we meet the right one

BOB

[volcano]

Hi all, thank you very much for your replies. I'm only just decided to see my GP after my husband told me I need to. He's supportive at times when he realises his parents are wrong but many times I feel he tries to cover up for them and I feel he forgets what they do or say. He's very keen to 'fix' things in the family even though it probably won't ever be possible. My mother in law has never been nice from the time I moved in. I've always tried to do what's right and tried to keep the peace but I was very open and honest about my thoughts which was what she didn't like. That I was an independent woman who was very clued up. She wanted to control my relationship with my husband like she did with her elder daughter in law. She's very good at manipulating and I feel my husband is so keen to mend things he believes her empty promises and lies. I've recently had to really come out and call her a liar openly and I almost feel bad about it, because this isn't how I was raised. I've always been a very respectful person but my recent attitude towards her and others has made me think this isn't me. Everyone in the family thinks I'm strong. But I'm not so sure anymore. That's what I show. Really my hairs falling, I can't concentrate, get angry quick, everything annoys me, I'm always tired and yes after certain events I have thought of self harm. The way I put it is, the pain is so bad in my heart that the only way to get rid of it is with more pain. 

[Findingme in reply to volcano]

You can't really blame your husband, as he has been brought up by these people. However maybe if he gets some counseling things might improve. Suggest he goes to couples therapy with you, or goes by himself, before you do. After all, it is not a good idea to try to change yourself to fit into a harmful situation, but better to get to the source of the problem instead.

[Findingme in reply to volcano]

As a rule of thumb, if someone you are involved with is causing you pain, and then they imply it is your fault, some failing of yours, and recommends you get 'treatment' to be cured of your inability to accept their behaviour, this is a BIG RED FLAG.

Let me put it in another way which might make things clearer.

If you get a dog and it bites you, do you

A. go to the doctor for treatment to enable you to keep getting bitten and not die of the wounds.

B. Get the dog retrained or medicated so it stops biting you

C. Rehome the dog.

Sure you still need to get your wounds treated but you sure as heck do not want to keep going back for more.

[Hidden]

Hello Volcano

In the past two years I made some very big changes in my life and now I have moved on and now more settled than I had been over fifty years.

Sometimes if your life is being controlled by others it can be time to move on and forget the problems you have had thrown at you, 

Life needs to be lived in its entirety and if someone is trying to control you explain to your husband the situation has gone to far. You need to move on

Have words with your GP if not so, and explain your anxiety and depression some CBT may help you make some changes in your life, they are facilitators who can listen and act as a sounding board for your worries and concerns. They will help you decide a way forward, 

Good Luck

BOB

[Olderal]

Hello volcano. To marry into a deceitful family was pretty bad luck , and I'm not surprised that its caused you an incredible amount of stress. On the whole your husband sounds  better than some of the other members. It will be difficult for him to give you 100% support and side with you against his family even though in an ideal world he ought to. It is only natural that he will want to "cover up" some of his family's problems.

I would definitely have a chat with your doctor as the situation will be causing enough stress that you probably do need some help. Lliving with in laws would I imagine  put strains on most new marriages. I don't think it would worry your mum overmuch if you were to chat to her about some of the problems and ask her advice on the way she thinks is best to handle some of the situations that come up. I think she would much rather you discussed it with her rather than carrying all the burden yourself.

Until you and your husband can move into your own place you have to stay strong until this bad spell ends , which it will. Until then just seeing your GP will probably help put your mind more at rest and if you can chat more about the problems to a colleague or your Mum that should also help .

Under the circumstances I'm not surprised your symptoms are changing. It would affect anyone but if you could share some of the burden that would help until things improve. In an ideal world again your husband would be helping you more but its very difficult for you to involve him without making yourself look a trouble maker. 

I have a lot of faith in your strength , your post seemed very sensible but its important as BettyA said that you put your GP totally in the picture and leave them in no doubt this is a very real problem.

Olderal

[tanarg]

Living in the same house with them must make it doubly difficult, so I echo the advice of others. It seems what would do you the most good is to have an ally with whom you can share how you feel, someone who's going to care for your emotional needs and psychological health. I hope you find such a person soon.

[Findingme in reply to tanarg]

That is what a husband is supposed to do. If he leaves you feeling as if you need someone else outside the marriage he is failing you. He may be 'trained' by his family to kowtow to them, but if he keeps on doing it he runs the risk of losing his wife. It would be in his best interests to get help to learn how to be assertive with his family in order to be a good husband to his wife.