Re occurring depression

Has anyone else had a relaps in depression and found the whole experience a lot worse the second time around? 

Now this may seem like a naive post.. But for me it's been quite a real experience. Many people still ask me how come you've got depression when you seem to have such a great life? And yes I ask myself that all the time till this day! Depression is the oddest thing I've come across!

I was still 21 Last September when depression really pulled the rug from under my feet. Looking back at it now it was such a slow and gradual process, possible over a two year period till it really surfaced it's head (it was so sneaky). I had no idea what was happening to me and I didn't think for one second it was depression/ a mental disorder.

I genuinely believed every negative thing that came into my head. And I was oblivious it was the depression pulling the strings and planting these thoughts! Id convinced myself I was some kind of alien and no one else was going through quite what I was ( even though people clearly do). I was Walking round with my head on fire and no one could see it, it undressed who I was as a person completely. 

And it was in September last year everything came to a head. I was put into a psychiatric hospital for 4 weeks for taking a very serious attempt to end my life dispite the help of outside intervention support, my tunnel had no light at the end! and to me it was shrinking, compressing and all the air was being sucked out. 

I had opened up to my family and friends Before this point, i was so thankful for their help! but the hold depression had over me was so so strong I felt like There was a massive glass wall between me and the people closest to me, I would look at them and feel such a divide even though they were right their supporting me I still felt so alone. at this point I was also hearing negative voices outside my head and seeing things a lot of the time. I believe it was from the severity of the depression that caused this. I could see how my mental state was effecting everyone around me, my mum couldn't work, my boyfriend didn't move to London like we planned and my dad Just couldn't face it. were as before all this madness we where such a solid unit. ... This was the worst part for me! 

Depression really doesn't just effect you it  effects the whole family. And I now know it can also be infectious after me my mums depression got worse and I believe my boyfriend developed it although he refuses to see it :(

 I came out of hospital and with my new medications and things have been stable, although yet to get therapy because the nhs England waiting list is about 7 months were I am and the cost for private therapy for someone like me is just to much. I've done my up most to try and reach a healthy mental state Again 😊. Gym 4 times a week along side hiking with my friends! And other hobbies...I started a new job and in general been keeping busy! Family life slowly resumed and the light was back! Shinning through! Yay. 

However I can't help but notice the grey cloud approaching from a distance and dispite all my efforts I'm so very low once more. And I am petrified of telling my family I couldn't face seeing them go through what they did last September. I feel more alone than ever before. And after this very long winded post I return to my first question and I wonder if anyone else has struggled with a relaps in their recovery? The feeling of shame and a failure as a person for not being able to over come something. And the unbareable thought of sharing the load once more for fear of seeing the cracks get even bigger! For me I can understand in some way why stigma can exist with something like depression it's such a nasty thing and being around it must be so difficult. 

Many thanks if you managed to read all of this post x

Ruby x

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8 Replies

  • Hi Ruby I understand exactly what you say and your fears,  but remember depression is not your fault and it is not a weakness in you.  So you have no need to feel shame and a failure.  Would you blame yourself if you had a physical illness which was getting worse?  No of course you wouldn't,    Depression strikes at random and there is no telling whom it will hit and why.  It is nothing you have done wrong. 

    Please go back to your doctor and tell them what is happening.   Ask for an urgent referral for counselling.  No - don't ask demand it.  x

  • Hello coughalot! Thank you for your reply it's nice to hear you can relate! I will go back to my doctors next week and see what can be done. It's always quite difficult for me because I know how stretched the nhs is. But your right I should press urgently. :)

    Wishing you good mental health xx ruby 

  • You are very welcome Ruby.   I really hope you get some help soon,  In the meantime stay with us and we will help and support you all we can.  We all understand about depression on here - unfortunately.  xx

  • Don't we just know about depression. I'm going through a grey spell ATM. Lots have gone on in the last three four months. Crying nearly everyday. Now I'm sleeping heavy and waking drained. Oh the joys. Stay strong everyone. . Xx

  • Depending on the type of depression you suffer from and how you are relating to your life, depression can come back on many occasions so we need to be confident in ourselves to continue on many different ways too treat the condition. Therefore you need to visit your GP and discuss your concerns again. Most probably you will be treated as an outpatient this time as long as you do not overreact. Remember many of sufferers will have another attack and will need more support to get through this new, black time in your life

    We are always around for a chat if needed, good luck with your visit to the GP


  • Oh something else.   It is encouraging that you are starting to learn the first signs of a new depressive attack.   You wil find that you gain knowledge from past episodes which will help if it recurs.   Take action earlier this time.  x

  • Hi Ruby, depression is never discriminating, it will afflict the rich and the poor, the famous and the lonely, those gay and those straight, yet sometimes we can often ask ourselves, why me? how did this happen. You are up there with some of the greatest minds and most admired people in history and like them you can learn how to move away from your worst attacks finding different techniques that can help.

    Depression is like a cancer seed that can grow and spread, often without you being aware of it until all of a sudden it has such a strong hold the voice in your head shouts 'i can't take anymore' , but behind that loud voice is also a quite whisper that desperately wants to feel better and that's the one to listen to, because you can recover no matter how bad things can get.

    If anyone tells you they understand exactly how the mind works they are either crazy or a liar,  we know more about the distant galaxies than the neurons firing in our heads and there are infinitely more thoughts than stars in that universe.

    From my own experience I don't think any one attack of depression has been the same as another, if you have enough warning as Bev says, you can take action faster and as you grow with life's experiences you also gain in knowledge of what helps recovery so that an episode can come and go sometimes without you even being that aware of its presence.

    Like a lot of people will say, giving up is not an option, not because you owe it to anyone else, but because you matter, recovery is going to happen and with it being able to enjoy life and all it has to offer. 

    I could easily list a hundred things that help me and I believe you will to, you have to keep trying things just like you have experienced how exercise will help. We live in an age where there is now so much information and self-help readily out there for the taking, were becoming more open about talking about what goes on in our heads and I believe this is a therapy in itself.

    Sadly our once great NHS is on its own downward spiral and if you are not lucky enough to work for a company that offers free health insurance its well worth looking into investing yourself if that's possible, sometimes it doesn't work out as much as you think and an insurance worth having, there are plenty of very good councillors about and that way you can even choose who you find it easier to relate to rather than have to accept who you are assigned.

    As a person you are as wonderful and unique and also need to be your own best friend simply because your worth it, don't loose sight, the future isn't going to be a bed of roses but an incredible rollercoaster how's ticket will be worth its weight in gold.

    Lots of love and hugs, I hope even if this spell may feel worse for you, that its duration will be much shorter. Moni xx

  • Ruby, one of the worst things about depression is that either the sufferer has few friends  and little family support (which is awful ) , or a caring supportive family which is also not good as any illness in a member of a close family will cause the other members a lot of pain. That's just how it is and part of being human. 

    Life is n't easy ,but on the whole it is better to have a close family despite the pain everyone suffers when one member is ill. It was n't your fault you developed depression and if it happens again it won't be your fault. Do tell your family how much their  support meant to you,and how much worse it would have been without them. This will help them as its very frustrating for people who love you to be unable to help as much as they want to.

    You've done well to recover from what was a very bad experience and are doing all the right things to help fight depression and stop it happening again. If that cloud does turn out to be another bout of depression then your GP should be able to give you some support, to ease the load on your family, and you should continue using this forum for advice and to unburden yourself as much as possible. I would also find out as much as you can about depression and how to fight it--there's a lot of reading out there. You can also read a lot about various therapies which is the next best thing until you are at the top of the waiting list. its a very common condition and the libraries are full of books on it.

    One other thing you can do for your family is to tell them you've no intention of getting to the state you did before and that if its alright with them you'd like to keep them informed of how things are with you. Sure you'll worry them occasionally but you'll worry them a lot more if they feel you're not communicating when and if things get desperate.

    Sorry if this does n't sound that cheerful but the good news is that depression is n't the end of the world. Many of us on here are over 60 and have had it a long while and many spells of it. You just keep hanging in there whether that cloud turns out to be black or just a false alarm.


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