I've given up, when does depression?

[HasFaith211]

Walking around town, it's full of people, just walking around busy with their own lives. Just a simple day in town ey? Not for me. When I go to town or anywhere with a crowd I die inside, I know what will happen. I know as soon as I step off that bus that I'm hit with anxiety and depression, I'm walking around wondering why everybody is staring? As soon as im settled in a cafe i notice somebody staring at me and the questions start in my mind. What are they thinking? Are they crazy? Are they rich? Are they poor? Do they have a family? Why do they have a Beatles keyring? Why are they smiling? Are they going through the same hell I am? I have lived like this since I was 14 and now 8 years later its worse, I question everything people do, I question everything I do. If somebody tells me they went to work had dinner then came home I would then wonder what did they have for dinner? How much did they pay for dinner? How did they get to work? What did they wear? By now you get a little understanding of my mind, the worst part is when these questions turn into hate. I can watch tv like CSI:NY and again the questions come up, what if I turn into a murderer a thief or something much worse? The thing is I know I am none of those and never will be but why does this happen? I get so fed up with my mind constantly questioning. I hate the thought of waking up and living this life, I give up so much in life I often question, when will depression give up and leave?

[missrat]

It might be worth seeing your GO to find out if there is an element of obsessive rumination, which can be helped.

[HasFaith211 in reply to missrat]

I have never heard about obsessive rumination until you stated it here, I read about it and yes that is exactly what it is like, my GP put me in counselling and told me I was just feeling down when I explained what it's like a day in my mind, Maybe I should consider changing doctors as my doctor will not listen to me, which is the worst thing, I feel like nobody understands but now I am so thankful to you for this, thank you so much x

[Hidden]

Darling! us people with depression are one of a kind, we just have to learn to live with it, there are good days and bad days! My mind is like a butterfly flitting from one thing to another, it steers from hate to happiness in the space of 24 hours, on a good day i do not want the day to end. Distraction sometimes helps but it is always lingering in the back of the mind! There are 1000s of people like us, we just hide it well! You just have a very curious mind like myself, bless you, you are only young,i feel for you, i have fought this for 35 years. best wishes and love from a survivor ( so far)

[HasFaith211 in reply to Hidden]

Yes I agree the good days are amazing and I never want them to end, yeah I find distraction helps too but it's still there and I know it is, sometimes I feel so weak yet at the same time I feel a little strong for hiding it well too! Sometimes it does help to talk about it to people who are going through the same and are battling. A lot of my friends tell me to get over it and I'll be fine after a few weeks of keeping busy but I've had this since my school days and if I could snap out of it I would. Sending hugs & love your way and thank you for taking time to read my struggle xx

[Hidden]

Hi I think everyone with some intelligence does that. I call it people watching. It does sound like it has become an obsession for you though and you go much too far with it. Is it something to focus your anxiety on rather than yourself? I would hazard a guess that most of the people looking at you are on a different planet and don't even realise they are doing it. If they do they are probably worrying about themselves rather than about you.

I agree with going to doctor. It does sound like you need treatment for anxiety. It might be a habit now which you are finding it hard to break. When you find yourself doing it try and deliberately stop yourself by focussing on something in your own life instead or anything. This will help to break the pattern and the more you do this the easier it will be to stop. It won't be easy but try please.

Bev x