Why I self harm

[DMM218]

This is an extremely difficult post to write as this is something I never discuss.

I never thought I was self harming. I don't cut myself with razors. But in the last few years I have accepted what I do is self harming.

I skin pick. It started when I was 11. I am now 43.

I have tried not to skin pick over this time and the longest period has been for two weeks.

When I was 11 a number of events occurred to me which I now understand were traumatic or abusive. It's taken many years to view these situations clearly and I still have emotional pain from one of them.

I was shown how to squeeze a spot. From that day on I believed what I was doing was the best way to a clear skin. I was wrong.

Very quickly, I was picking at my skin constantly. It became a daily event. This developed into an unconscious checking of my skin at all times.

I have never been able to show my arms or back in public since my twenties. People have thought I've been bitten by mosquitoes if I sunbathe on holiday. Some have assumed I have a skin condition. I have got used to the fact my face was a mess, sometimes make up hid it sometimes not.

I have gone to my GPs numerous times about my skin but never until recently have I admitted my skin is in this mess due to me.

In the past I would spend hours in front of the mirror zoning out as I squeezed what I thought were spots or blemishes. Most of that was in my mind or were scars from earlier attacks.

For about 10 years I had a scab on my face which I picked at. It never healed. This has caused a hole in my skin and a permanent raised area of skin. However I realise it could have been worse.

I have felt ugly and unloved for 35 out of 43 years. I blamed myself for this due to the mess of my face through skin picking.

I can see now what led me into those feelings and it was nothing to do with my actions, nor personality.

There was specific reasons my self esteem was low as a child and up until middle age. I have worked to repair the damage there but skin picking remains a horrible habit used to combat feelings of stress.

So I've literally worn the ravages of stress on my face since 11. My daughter jokes I'm a meth addict because of the damage to my skin. My CPN uses my skin to assess stress levels and how I'm coping.

I am now semi open about it and try very hard to use humour to combat my shame over this condition.

That's how I feel. Ashamed. Appalled by my actions but with nothing to stop them.

There are days, and there were years, that I needed the trance that skin picking gave me to cope. If not, I would have found other methods to do this, those methods were likely to be more self destructive.

I know it saved my sanity as a child. I know it kept suicide at bay. I know that whilst it helped it also damaged me beyond repair and continued to create more reasons not to love myself.

I've posted this as there is a number of misconceptions about self harm.

These ideas are genuinely upsetting to me.

I have known many other people who have self harmed in a variety of ways. I wish I had opened up to them. But, I hope I was supportive because I could understand what it was about.

I will leave this post now but likely add to it later as I recall any important matters. It's very tiring.

However, here is some advice from the Mind website on self harm which is useful. Please look at online resources for help either in supporting yourself or others through this terrible symptom of mental ill health.

"Sometimes people talk about self-harm as attention-seeking. If people make comments like this, it can leave you feeling judged and alienated. In reality, a lot of people keep their self-harm private, and it can be painful to have your behaviour misunderstood in this way.

However, if you do self-harm as a way of bringing attention to yourself, remember that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be noticed and to have your distress acknowledged and taken seriously. You also deserve a respectful response from those around you, including medical professionals."

[CJ2016]

I think when ever self harm is mentioned a lot of people instantly think "oh they must cut" but there are a lot of way's people hurt them self's be it through the method you have spoke of,binge eating,punching one's self or objects,burning ones self,there are various thing's out there that are used for coping mechanism i guess.

At least you have looked at trying to address the issue,and it will no doubt be a life long issue,as it already has been, since you have been doing it from the age of 11. And i think the more you think about it the more it triggers you into keep doing it.

At least if you can not speak only to someone around you about it,you can speak openly on here about it and get what you need off your chest,perhaps that will help you to some degree.

But from my experience the urge will probably always be there,maybe eventually it will calm down a little,but it is always there,even when life is good when you have no worry's or no stressful thing's happening,the urge will always be in the background.

I begun plucking my arm hair randomly one day and it just continued,eventually it started to lead to dragging tweezers across my arm's pressing down hard, when this was not enough,i got to a point where i felt num for a couple of day's and i remembered that i had a razor blade.

So of course i picked it up and started cutting away,but making sure i never went too deep as to not have to get any stitches and bring any attention to the fact that i have been cutting,this all started later in life(28 i am 29 now) and even now i refuse to get help for it.

As an adult male it feels embarissing that i am doing something that is seen more in line as something a "13 year old emo girl would do"(sterotype,it's the generation i was brought up in) and even now when i am in work with the lad's we have these random convo's and they are like anyone that cut's is doing it for attention and i am thinking to my self yeah clearly.

So its a battle i have been fighting in secret on my own,as i do not wish anyone around me to know or to worry about what i am doing,i always run the risk of sepsis although i make sure to clean the blade disinfect the wound's but there is always that risk,but it does not worry me.(although it probably should)

In hindsight though i think if you become easily addicted to doing thing's then thing's like this are really difficult to stop,for me i have been addicted to eating food,to the point where i got really big and then when my mood changed i lost 6 stone then my mood changed again then gained it back. And food has just always been a "comforter".

I have been addicted to sex where i would be doing it every single day and just couldn't get enough of it to the point where the person i was with was started to get annoyed about the constant want basically.

I have been addicted to working out and just general fittness weighing my food working out 4 days a week and just became obsessive about it.

I have been addicted to gaming where i would spend in excess of 15 odd hours a day playing a computer game staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning because i just wanted to play more and more and more.

And now it's cutting not as bad as when i first started but the urge is a lot stronger then any of the others that i have done in the past,i have gone a couple of day's without cutting 3 months being the longest and with my brothers wedding coming up in september and me needing to get a suit i am trying to just ease back so that the wound's wont be as obvious.

But the urge is really strong and there is only so much i can do to keep my mind busy,the urge to cut deeper has also presented it's self,but i have avoided doing so in not wanting to bring any attention if stitches were needed.

All in all this is why i will avoid drug's because i know how easily addicted i would probably become to them.

Anyway sorry for the long post,but hope it all works out for you though.

[DMM218 in reply to CJ2016]

That's for the reply. It's good to hear your version of it (not that it's good to self harm). I smoke, I know I've got an addictive personality - a bit of a misnomer - I'm still emotionally unbalanced so I experience past emotional pains in the present so I look at ways to block those feeling which leaves me open to addiction as the substitute can never replace the early nurturing which would have given me the tools to deal with the emotional pain - is more like it but that's a bit long!

So I've avoided the obvious ones. I do have a problem with money and spending though.

I've been trying since my 20's to self nurture and heal. This was impossible as I hadn't identified the toxic relationship which was still harming me. In my 30s I sought help and started on meds. In my 40's I'm beginning to piece it together so no more toxicity. Now I'm looking at all possible solutions to help me heal. I'm doing it alone because of my circumstances but I hope I will overcome it.

It's really important to get help and support. Part of the reason I posted is to educate people on it as the idea it's attention seeking is really damaging. It's the opposite of that, it's trying to destroy yourself, it's hiding the pain.

I also want people to see that simply stopping isn't a viable option as the psychologically damage is too strong by the time you start. Only if you are literally experimenting will you stop at first go. Then, danger is you move onto other mechanisms which are more damaging.

I hope reading this helps you. You've helped me. I'm going to be open about it. I'm going to show my pain because I deserve to be seen and healed.

I hate formal events as either I have to cover up or try to reduce damage and repair which never happens.

[CJ2016 in reply to DMM218]

Too a degree avoiding the obvious pain's will always be something that we will all have to deal with one day,we all have to face are demons at some point as there is no escaping it.

I guess we do are best now to try and build are self's up for that time we will have to face it. I am glad you seeked help and found a way to ease that problem somewhat.

I am glad that you are opening up about it and hopefully it will feel like a bit of pressure off of your shoulders,on a personal note people have been telling me to seek help on here for sometime but it's just not something i have faced up to yet.

To a degree self harm can be a slippery slope and the next step from self harm would obviously would not be an ideal scenario but something i have faced since the age of 14.

I know what kind of impact that has on people as my cousin ended it back in 2013 with a child on the way and i seen how it effected his parent's and brothers and that's not something i could do to my family as they have enough of their own problem's without me adding too it.

I have had these thought's since 14 i never planned my future because i never expected or hoped there would be one,now i take everyday as it is,and do not think too far ahead because i always feel tomorrow is never promised.

I have just learned to live in the moment rather then get ahead of my self,i have seen a few people that i have cared about over the years die,and with each death a part of me dies with them,my parent's are facing their own health problem's and if anything was to happen to them,personally i do not know how much longer i would go on.

And that is just something i have accepted because of the health problems they have faced since my teenage years.

In regards to formal event's i just hate being in large groups in general if i can avoid party's, or any gathering's i will, i do not like being around people for a large of amount of time as i start to become irritated.

But the ironic thing is when i am alone then that's when i become at my worse because i am just swimming around in my thought's which eventually just take me down a dark rabbit hole.

I am lucky to a degree in that all my cut's(fresh and old) are all on my forearm's so they are easier to hide with long sleeves although summer time it's soul destroying if the heat is crazy(lucky we are in the UK so that's rare).

I know i am being a hypocrite in saying that i am glad you are being open about it where as i hide the fact that i self harm from the people around me,but i will always be my own worse enemy i am my own demon and would and will always put people before me if they need help.

[DMM218 in reply to CJ2016]

Not a hypocrite- I'm disclosing at 43 not 13. You are master of your body, you make the decisions as best you can for your own reasons. When the time is right, if it needs ever to happen, you will know.

If the really dark thoughts get to you too often get in touch. I've been there and I wouldn't want you to go through that alone.

Living day to day is actually good. But, you also deserve a goal, a path, something that moves you forward. X

[CJ2016 in reply to DMM218]

Thanks apperciate it,and the suicidal thought's come and go sometimes it will last a week or two other times it will be ok,sometimes it's a case of looking at everything and seeing a way of ending it,but it's not as often as it use to be.

Think the only reason it's been somewhat worse the last week or two is from reading about chester bennington,i was not a massive fan but the band was somewhat representitive of my childhood/teenage years.

And just got me thinking that he had been battling his demons for years,and just goes to show no matter how long you fight and fight and fight they can eventually catch up to you and thats that really.

I guess all of that stuff has just kind of triggered me to a degree,my mood was somewhat meh before but its just on that slope again.

I use to set goal's ,target's to reach for example when i lost that 6 stone that was my challenge to get into shape etc,i got there then hit that brick wall and my mood just nosed dived for about 8 or 9 months then started to come back up for 3 months then went back down then it's just a mixture of the both these days.

At the moment living day to day is just a way to survive my self,and just be here for the ones around me. Even though at times they even say i am depressing to be around or just different for the way i think about things.

[DMM218 in reply to CJ2016]

God that's supportive, not! I kinda felt a bit like you when Robin Williams died as I knew he had depression for years. But, it's for every person to decide these matters on their circumstances. Just because the pain proved too much for them doesn't mean we face a lifelong battle. So many people fully recover so I still have hope. Like you I can imagine a situation where my hope would be destroyed but I'm certain it will never come to pass.

It's living without hope which previously crushed me. I can see that part of that was the illness of depression, I mean my life was bad but I got tunnel vision, I forgot who I was and thought that I could never be that person again. Once out of that darkness I saw I was me throughout it, but the burden of depression made my mind work so hard just to survive that things like joy, laughter seemed physically impossible. So, if it helps please think of that. Depression doesn't alter you as a person but almost everything great about you has to work in just keeping you alive.

[CJ2016 in reply to DMM218]

I am use to it,no one around me knows how dark my thought's get,only one person did and she also knew about the self harm but i told her i stopped with the self harm and no longer tell her how i feel in regards to what's going on in my head.

Before i even said anything to her she said that my mood swing's reminded her of someone from a tv show that had bipolar and i was like yeah ok whatever.Maybe maybe not.

Does it really matter,i mean i have been this way since 14 to a degree its who i am that's how i feel,this is the person i am even with the dark thought's that happen it's just who i am.

Ive been an actor for the past 15 years in that evertime i am around people they do not know what is going on in my head,they only see the mask that i put on.

I can act a clown,i make people laugh,make people think everything is fine make people think i am just a grumpy(at times) but nothing more sinister then that.

I feel in a way that hiding my demons i am protecting those around me from any hurt and pain even if it is slowly killing me mentally.

In the ideal world i would love to have back the feeling i had when i was working out 4 days a week eating cleanly,doing thing's i never done before that,and i was a different person.

I was more out going i was more confident i was doing martial art's thing's i never even considered before that,but now i feel how i felt before all of that and feel like it was a one off because no matter how much i have tried doing all of that again nothing worked.

During that spell i felt like anything was possible i made plans too do this and do that but eventually my mood switched and i am back to square one again. And that just grinds me even more.

I guess i would say to some aspect the cutting is my way of punishing my self for letting my self go back down that road a road that i said i would never go back down but in the end couldn't stop my self from being dragged back down it anyway.

[DMM218 in reply to CJ2016]

Well please talk to me, message me. We can share our dark thoughts like a secret.

I've known bipolar people so if mood is extreme then that could be an explanation. Sometimes we need to decide what version of selves is best - the unmedicated or medicated. My side effects from medication don't stop my creativeness if they did I would weigh up use of medicine quite throughly.

You know life is complex enough why do I get this additional pain to manage? But life isn't fair. We are here to learn and grow and fade and die. My illness just part of that process.

I don't regret my illness - I know the reasons that stress affects me like this over time. I know it's my sensitivity that's makes me an easy target for depression. I'd always want to be that way than cold and uncaring but mentally ok. I know depression has taught me so much about life, people and me.

There is no pain without gain! God I'm turning into a greetings card or car bumper sticker - stop me now!

[CJ2016 in reply to DMM218]

thanks apperciate it

[DMM218]

Yes, it becomes like an addiction, it's an unstoppable habit.

[DMM218]

It's random relates to stress so I've thrown out mirrors etc from home numerous times just to replace them or use other reflective surfaces. I don't need a mirror for anything but face so my arms, back, legs everywhere has scabs and scars. I just pick sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it. Tried creams, gloves, plasters etc etc. I think my meds do help a bit but real cause is stress.

[DMM218]

Yes, my stress is mainly derived from the circumstances of my life. Without going into detail I'm a single mum with an austistic teen. She is in SW care as my depression got worse when daughter started to get what I consider to be psychotic symptoms. It's been very hard raising her by myself as I've not had much support. I basically exhausted myself mentally and physically. I've got my own issues from my life as well so lots of things combined into a perfect storm of absolute stress.

[DMM218 in reply to DMM218]

I've got professionals help now - as does my daughter. We are weathering the storm but not yet through it.

[jsph554]

It was very brave of you to talk about this, as you said you feel ashamed. It must've been very hard to talk about this.

[Lx91]

Your honesty and openness in this post is amazing! I admire it, it was almost factual rather than emotional and a good insight into self harm. I don't think many people self harm for attention it is because they can no longer deal with their emotions and need some way of coping whether that be a helpful or unhelpful mechanism. We all know we should go out for a walk, read a book, listen to music etc etc when we can't cope but in the moment we don't think about this and as you said with your skin picking it becomes a habit you don't even know you are doing.

How do people tell someone they love that they are self harming? This is what I would like to know if anyone has experience of this. The thought terrifies me and is the reason that I completely agree with your point about it not being an attention seeking act.

I hope opening up has helped you somewhat.

L x

[DMM218 in reply to Lx91]

It's been really difficult- I had to explain to my daughter as she kept asking why my skin was so bad - she understands and tells me off if she catches me.

When I've been a relationship it is so difficult as it takes trust etc. I've told a partner what I do but not in this detail. I don't he really understood. It makes me very uncomfortable in an intimate situation.

[Lx91 in reply to DMM218]

It's so hard. I trust my husband 100% but I don't want to upset him or for him to give me 'that look' all the time like I might break into pieces or something. But I know he will soon find out, he keeps questioning why I get changed in the bathroom or the dark, he is noticing the way I act differently. I don't know what is best him eventually finding out when he sees or me telling him...I can't even explain why I do it.

It is amazing that your daughter understands and tries to tell you off.

Sorry for hijacking your post!

L x

[DMM218 in reply to Lx91]

Sorry Lx91 I hadn't seen ur reply earlier - no hijacks just sharing which is what we need.

TBH what I've realised from my daughter is even though I think I'm hiding what I'm doing, the damage is quite obvious. I think I have kidded myself all these

Years. People have noticed my skin but have thought it's a skin condition not self harm. It's a bit like being a secret drinker - you think you cover all the signs but you don't it's just part of the lie you tell yourself to avoid the truth.

My teen daughter in great style has told me that I look like a meth addict because of the scabs and scars on my face. And it's the honest truth. Now that comment has been a really powerful effect in shattering my illusions on my actions.

Your husband will see the effects even if you don't realise it. He might not know exactly what is happening as skin picking etc not quite as discussed as other self harm. But if you tell him he will be concerned. Simply because he loves you and won't want you being so stressed or emotionally overwhelmed that you do this. It's a really difficult thing to do - to open up but it helps. I still feel shame about it but at least now someone understands that it's my coping mechanism for stress. She may go "Oh my God mum what've done to your face. For FS you're stressed. I hate it when your stressed cos you get all moaney and then I get stressed. " Said with all the love a stroppy autistic teen can muster.

It actually helps jar me into noticing that I'm getting overwhelmed again.

[Lx91 in reply to DMM218]

I love how your daughter has just kinda accepted it and tries to help the best way she can (even if that is through insults!!) And I guess with her noticing it and being able to tell you it gives you a warning sign that you are not doing so well.

I'm just not sure explaining why when I'm overly stressed out or we fight and then I feel an overwhelming guilt I pick up a hot tray and burn myself instead of saying sorry, I don't think he will be able to understand and I worry it will end in anger from me or him. I don't want him to think it's his fauly because it's not its mine.

L x

[DMM218 in reply to Lx91]

Now this is just a thought, but maybe your husbands reactions won't be as you believe. If you sit down and talk openly and honestly then it might help.

Often when we feel like this it's because effective communication is really difficult to achieve. You know after a while you start thinking because it always follows the same pattern out discussions and arguments always go the same way. It's a pattern. But it can be changed with some work on communication.

My daughter for the last 3 years has been unable to say I love you to me. Now, we've talked about it. I've listened to her and accepted what she said. As a mum I can tell you that was hard. I could have personalized it but I knew that would never help either of us. So, I just thought this is how she feels and I have no right to demand she change her feelings or give empty words.

And now occasionally I'm getting I love you mum. And it means so much. I'm sure we both learnt from it.

If you can sit down and have a conversation where you can both talk without personal judgement it's so surprising the results, often it's just a combination of what you both fear and not what you think that is the problem. Its so hard to do. Sometimes this can be helped with a third person being involved like Relate.

You know that picking fights isn't the best way to deal with this. I've known so many people who can't say sorry so I understand that. An apology isn't needed but an explanation for what's going on in your head would really help your husband. Equally, he doesn't need to argue back with you so his communication skills don't reflect his feelings well either.

We get scared of these talks after a while because you worry about what he is going to say or react and that it will be too much. But believe me, that's rarely the case.

[Lx91 in reply to DMM218]

I will keep my answer short as I am at work and basically all I want to say is thankyou! Thankyou for replying and with such good advice, I will try to listen and try to talk to him.

L x

[burfcam]

as I was reading this I was picking at a now-permanent sore on my scalp. I can dig into it, and it's covered by my hair. you are right - it focuses your attention in a weird way

[DMM218 in reply to burfcam]

Hello I have been doing some online research about skin picking and need to do more but there is a supplement which may be useful. I will get the name of the vitamin/ chemical compound that may help and post it later.

[burfcam in reply to DMM218]

did you find the name of the vitamin/supplement?