loss of identity, deep seated boredom, resentment, self hatred and lack of motivation
christmas85 38 minutes ago 0 Replies
Im 30 and have spent all my life working hard and doing things at a million miles an hour, I used to buzz of working so hard at school/college, I worked full time since 16 and even at college I worked the other two days, ran a footy team and trained 5-7 nights a week doing karate....I rode a motorbike and love the adrenalin adventure days, and trying new skills, kite surfing, paragliding ect. I really had zest for life and loved racing from one thing to another.
I was graphic designer and loved being creative, I knew once I had my little girl, I wouldn't be able to return to work, and I was happy that this was a different chapter in my life, in fact I thought I would embrace it, and at first, when I was snuggled up in bed with my girl, I was bursting with happiness, though guilty that everyone else was at work. I had built up a side business so I can work weekends, to bring in the money, ironically doing kids parties.
Since having my beautiful daughter, my personality and outlook has changed. I have tried to ignore it for months but i have struggle during the day, with loneliness, I hate being in the house on my own, my little girl gets bored, I feel she can sense my intense deep seated boredom. I love her with all my heart, but I have always been "all or nothing' kind of person. it was at the root of my personality, I may have been big headed or full of myself when I was younger, but I loved me, I believed in me, I wore my heart on my sleeve and would always get upset easily if critiqued as I always sought the approval of others. I was such a show off in the way that I bounced through life....I believed I could do anything if I put my heart into it.
Everything I did was for academic, physical gradings, or carear- now I have nothing to work towards.
Im scared of enjoying my training (I started back when daughter was 3 month) ( as we have planned to try for another baby in six months time)
Im scared I wont be able to cope.
I have lost so much confidence, Im the skeleton of who I used to be,
Nearly all thee parents at the toddler groups, work as well as having their mums babysit for them part-time, and I'm just so envious, and bitter and twisted. Im not in a position to do that and promised my mum I wouldnt put on her like that, as I saw how tired she was looking after my sister two kids. My mums very much of the fashion, that you should never go back to work.
The other stay at home mums dont seem to mind or notice the boredom, never seem to have any thoughts on future or ambition, they are loud and intimidating, and I just feel like I don't fit in. I feel totally ashamed for wanting more, and I get overwhelmed at the prospect of never being able to return to work, as by the time my little one (and we are due to be trying for a 2nd in around 6 months time) both go to school I will be 10-13 year behind on my graphic design, I will be obsolete, and in that career, its virtually impossible to get part time work. i could work freelance, I have no confidence for that, i have tried in the past and I felt it was more like begging for work, and the money was awful, in the end Id spent so many hours, it was probably working for a couple of pound an hour..I spent so many years studying and working, i do feel bitter and resentment.
Ive even looked at a couple of design jobs, and I feel so far behind and its only two years, Id struggle to get the basic work placement of a junior let alone become the art director I was. I feel like I have lost everyrhing
I just cant get it out of my head, I feel I should be being productive, yet I cant do much during the day, as my daughter demands my attention. I have never been a watcher, always a do-er and now is the time to be self-less and enjoy her - and I have constant voices in my head, beating myself up if I didn't work or fit in the business jobs, or Id obsess over the simplest of things of what to dress her in and wonder around like a zombie. nearly all my friends ( i don't have that many) now work almost fulltime and would love to be at home, yet Im the one wanting to work. I just have this overwhelming need to be appreciated. Ive spent hours thinking of ways to volunteer, during the day, but no one wants a 2yr old around.
Ive tried so hard to dull myself down, to drown out the nagging voices, that I now have done a 360 degree turnaround where I feel numb. Im still living with the sick overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach which seems to be a mix of grief, (for the life I had and loved) guilt (for the way I cannot be appreciate for all that I have, and the simple pleasures in life, home, loving (yet frustrated) partner, beautiful girl ) and boredom (deep seated boredom where I just want do something radical for the sheer hell of it, even if its dangerous -
I have let my small business over run with paperwork, im months behind on invoices, and know I should and can do something about it, but I have lost all motivation.
I can get away with doing so little to the house, nothing bad happens, I do it sabotage myself, so I can slate myself for not doing the simpliest of things.
I worry over the slightest thing, as my little girls stopped eating properly and when she was younger and walked quite late for her age. Im convinced, she would be better off in nursery, even just part time but I cant afford to send her, and during that time I would probably just go home and cry.
I hardly every sleep, I watch telly and drift off down stairs, but as soon as we are in bed, my mind is bank, I cant think of anything but listen to the voice that tells me, you have done nothing all day, you dont deserve to sleep, it tells me how worthless I am, Even now, I got up at 7am to catch up on paperwork and found myself just looking at social blogs for mums and this site, I've spent hours reading self help diagnosis. I have been to the doctor once who just shrugged it off and told me to get an hour to myself a day. I do get that my daughter is quite good and will sleep well, we haven't really had an issue. Im guilt-ridden as I thought it was one long, hard non stop slog.
Im the eldest of 6, and watched my mum non-stop cleaning and looking after the house.
She was always tired, but she loved it, she created such a warm cosy house, I still love to visit. - but know im just hiding away and using as an excuse not to go home alone, I feel I am so miserable, why would she want anything to do with me. Ive tried telling her how I miss work, but she doesnt seem to understand. How do you go from cabbaging all day, the days are soo long, we try and do a park and playgroup a day, but i feel so lost, alone empty and meaningless.
I wish I could just fall asleep together with my little girl, rather than face the future. I feel like i have lifted my guard up around her, just so she cant hurt me when she doesnt eat, or does a tantrum, I want her to be able to play on her own.....Im putting in all this effort and feel like my life is on hold for something she wont even remember when she's older. Im worried about what shes going to be like when she 18 and going out, making me stay in and worry about her.
I want to be a good role model for her, in my mind, I would work part time, become a valid member of the community and do lots of volounteering.
Im envious of people who are busy, I mean I hate the telly on in the background, if my job was to teach my daughter and give her 100% of my attention, if there was just one definate way of bringing her up, then this would be so much easier, I can follow rules, but I get so bogged down once I set myself ideal little targets for me and her to find contradictory advice elsewhere. She needs to learn to play be herself and not just me for her sole entertainment, we flip forwards and backwards with this and I obsess, is she learning enough, is she as bored as I am of all the same toys? She has loads, so theres no point buying anymore, but the same old, same old.
I want to enjoy her as people say time flies so fast, I dont to look back on this and hate myself more for wasting these special moments...I love her so much, I breathe her in so deep,I just feel like Im waiting, waiting for dad to get home so I can blindly stick on some telly, ignore the fact IM behind on everything, feel content just for those couple of hours before I go to bed and not sleep.
I feel like such a selfish person, I want to be productive yet Im sabotaging my targets, to punish myself, fuelling my hatred for myself for not being appreciative for what I already have.
Ive gone from nagging myself to hardly having any thoughts at all, I can barely tell you what I did yesterday......I can barely form a conversation, everyone elses lives seem so much more interesting than mine.
I dont seem to have a passion for anything. I tried snowboarding session 3hrs, and last time I went previously which was when she was quite young, it was so liberating, terrifying as Im not that good and the last time, I spent all the time, telling myself how I'm worthless, Ill never work again, no will want me, im mean nothing to no-one.......I care so much of what others think, even strangers, I feel like Im a monster inside, and my mask is slipping. Im no longer happy and care-free, I stress and I stress and go around in entire circles. I have lost everything that made me, I just dont want my daughter to ever find out how sad and pathetic I feel. HOw do you get that zest back when you 7-7pm isnt zesty - I dont want to resent the day, I want to embrace it, I just miss honest social interaction, now a days I dont seem have an opinion on anything and if I did, Id probaly put my foot in it...
I miss laughing at the silliest things, I used to have a library of images and silly memories that would be make laugh like mad, but these dont work anymore, I just feel more pityful as what I have lost.
My confidence has plummeted, each day I tell myself I will make a full recovery tomorrow and snap out of it. Occasionally I will sleep really deeply, and just not want to wake up, its like a deep state of mediation where nothing can touch me, I have no feeling, so no negativity. I dont know how it happens, seems ot be when Ive done so long with hours of self hatred. I mean how do you stop thoughts, the more I try, the more they chant, I feel like Im going mental....
Can anyone relate? Apologies for the rambling, Ive been originally typing for my own self - analysis, hoping Id realise Im whinging for nothing and just to stop being so ungrateful and snap out of it.....but two hours later, im still typing and feeling no better, just more confused
Im terrified if I got to the docs, they will want the truth and something may happen to my daughter, I cant lose her. I don't know how honest I can be with them..wanting to just go to sleep forever and ever, sounds so dark....
Where is old me? Old me is retaliating like a spoilt brat, I want, I want, and she should just be grateful.
I just want to be cured! for the sake of my partner and my daughter, they deserve so much better. My partner is so tired, listening to my rambles, hes the only one I can sound off too..
Please dont tell me what you think I want to hear, just be brutally honest.