Being silly.

[staceymay]

I am not diagnosed.

I am currently in my second year of university and my current feelings are that my pockets have been filled with rocks and an anchor tied to my ankles and I've been thrown to the sea. Since starting my second year I have felt like I'm drowning.

I struggled through my first year just scraping passes in my assignments with a "that will do attitude". I spoke to my tutor about it and I said I felt unhappy because I didn't like my flat or living in the city. I didn't have a social life at university and just wanted to come home and be with my boyfriend. I told my tutor that for my second year I would be moving back home and commuting to university as I planned to have my own home with my boyfriend.

Here I am now living in my own lovely little house with my boyfriend and I couldn't be happier with that aspect of my life. However everyday I feel this stress and drowning sensation as before.

When I started my second year in the weeks running up to the first day I felt motivated and determined to better myself from the previous year, I bought the books and stationery to organise myself, I really did try! But like the old me I fell behind and couldn't keep up. I find myself struggling to find the motivation to do the work. For example today as I write this (29/10/15) I have loads of work due in on Tuesday (3/11/15) and I don't really care that I've not made a start. I will only care on Monday night when I'm stressed because I haven't done it and I don't want to go to university empty handed because I'm anxious that the lecturer will embarrass me in front of the class (I have previous experience of this from my first year).

I feel silly saying I'm depressed because the term is so loosely used on the internet and I'm guilty of saying it myself when in reality I was just having a bad day. I don't want to go to the doctors and say "oh I think I'm depressed" I feel like I'm wasting his time and I should just suck it up. I don't know whether I've developed anxiety? Can you just develop it? But I feel anxious about going to uni when I know I haven't done something, I feel anxious trying to talk about this in person. I don't suffer from panic attacks but I get stressed and I fill up and want to cry. (I realise I am babbling away here).

Today's been a really bad day. I was meant to be at a university placement in a daycare and the car decided to breakdown and is now in the garage, just to add the list of things wrong with it (brake pads running low, needs new front tyre, creak in the steering and a rattle on the exhaust.) Now the water pump has completely snapped. I'm supposed to be on nights tomorrow but that wont happen without the car.

I want to drop out of university but I've heard that means I've got to pay back the money they've given me straight away. But I can't afford to do that with my own house to pay for, bills and a car. I need what's left for my rent and car payments. If they demand it back my last £800 would have to be given back and I'd have to rely on my £5.30 pay from a part time job that pays me weekly. Which is do-able if I was given the time to save some of that to pay my monthly bills.

I'm worried my parents will just call me lazy if I drop out of uni because I let myself fall behind. Maybe they would understand if I was diagnosed with anxiety or depression. But like I said previously I feel silly saying "I think I've got depression".

I feel alone and misunderstood and as supporting as my boyfriend is I just don't think he gets it. It hurts to say that but I just feel so silly talking about depression.

Anyone reading this will have probably given up by now twisting about my problems. I don't know if this has helped or made me sad.

[Hidden]

Hi I think you need to seek advice on the money aspect of dropping out so you know exactly where you stand. I thought you didn't have to pay it back until you were earning at a certain level.

Do you have a counsellor at Uni? Why not talk to them? You won't by any means be the first person they have seen who is struggling with your course. Only you can decide if you want to drop out but if you do make it for the right reasons.

If you are not sure about depression/anxiety why not google online tests which might give you a guide?

Let us know how you get on please. x

[Deeemm]

Hi

I felt the exact same way you do from the day I started university. I struggled with moving, meeting new people, new relationships, losing old friends and eventually the breakdown of my relationship, loss of my job, moving out of my uni home and never having any money.

I struggled though for a year and a half before my doctor told me I was clinically depressed, which was being caused by being in the university environment and other factor. I felt the same way you did - that someone had tied something to my feet and I was drowning. University was a little too much for me, but I persisted with everything. I had regular chats with my doctor, saw a uni counsellor, I informed my lectures (and well cried at them on many occasions) and found a friend who I could rely on and after 3 years I graduated last month.

No matter how hard it feels. Keep going with it and talk to people! it is all worth it in the end. You will have days that are worse than others - days where you want to give up and can't function. But just keep on going with it.

Good luck! University is worth it!

[Jozie]

Hi Staceymay, I really feel for you. You sound depressed and I think you need to speak to a professional about the way you feel. You're not alone in feeling the way you do. My daughter became depressed during her second year at uni. She saw the counsellor who said that it's very common for students to become depressed in their second year. She went on to get a good degree. You definitely need to find out the financial implications of leaving uni. Have you thought of trying to defer to give yourself time to get better before continuing your studies? This would take a lot of pressure off you. I hope this helps.

Take care, Jozie x

[Victoria007]

Hi,

I understand where you're coming from. I started my first year of Uni at 18 and totally wasn't ready. I'd always had strict parents who made sure I was home at a sensible time and did all my work.

When I got to Uni, I got in with the wrong crowd, went out every night and fell really behind with my course. I dropped out and moved home and my depression got worse. I saw a councillor for around 6 months and felt better just talking through my problem and finding strategies for overcoming bad feelings.

I began a different course in the September and have been happy for 2 years. I'm like you now. I live with my boyfriend and am really happy with that side of my life. However, i've recently started becoming stressed and anxious all the time. I have hot sweats, heart palpations and constantly feel sick and like I'm having a panic attack. I've been to see the doctor and now they want me to go on anti-depressants, which I'm worried about because I feel like once you're on them, you can't get off them.

To deal with the stress, you need to write everything down and make a plan of what work you are going to achieve that week. Try to be honest with your tutor about what you're dealing with. They should then be more understanding with assignments and even grant you extensions (as long as you are getting treatment for the stress).

As with the money, you don't have to pay it back until you're earning over £21k. I've got £12k of debt and they've never asked me.

Good luck

Vicky x

[Pettle1]

I really understand how you are feeling, I too found university to be a very stressful time and its not something you are warned about when you apply or enrol on a course. As a university student you are suddenly faced with fending for yourself at home and in your study - something that school just doesn't prepare you for. Your uni will have a student counsellor and locally there are probably groups set up to support students too. I would suggest talking things through with your GP as they will look to see if there is anything physical that may be making you feel low. Having been a student I know that diet and sunshine are not always a top priority so low levels of B and D vitamins may be contributing to the way you feel.

Having said all that, have a proper think about your course too, if you felt engaged and interested in your course you would probably be feeling more enthusiastic about it. University isn't for everyone and there are other ways to progress in a career. Many employers will take on young people and put them through degrees as their career dictates. Having studied at uni straight out of school and then again as an employee for a masters degree, I found that the study done with the support of work colleagues that was done to advance my career (so there was a reason for it) was a lot easier.

take care

x

[theoldme]

Dear 'feeling silly'

Many have posted replies of support and advice, I unfortunately cannot offer either of those. I just joined this forum about ten minutes ago and your post was the first I read. I'm so glad I did, because I am already feeling less anxious, knowing that I'm not the only one who feels like this. I'm also in second year, hardly tried at all in my first year, deeming every 40% I scraped as 'more than enough.' Our stories differ in that, I don't have the financial strain that you have, I am lucky enough to live at home and have my living expenses paid for me at the moment. I've had symptoms of depression ever since I left school, there were significant triggers- a death in the family, relationship break down etc. But all these events happened nearly two years ago now, surely I should've gotten over them by now? Both my parents have a history of depression, and every online depression site I've gone on too has told me that I have more than a few symptoms of depression. I'm too afraid to see my GP about it, because I might have to go on medication, and I know how much my mum hated her medication. I already don't feel like myself, I don't want to get even further away by taking medication. I'm also afraid of worrying my Mum, she has more than enough to deal with- she certainly doesn't need her daughter to be diagnosed with depression. I thought about seeing my GP so I could get a referral to a psychiatrist and just not telling my Mum, but we share everything and I find it impossible to lie to her. I feel like I'm stuck on this round about of worry and I have no idea how to get back to where I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry that this wasn't helpful to you, but writing everything down was helpful for me.

If you don't want advice, but just want to talk- I'm your gal.

[Pettle1 in reply to theoldme]

Hi 'the old me'. What you are describing is really familiar. I bottled up my depression for years feeling that I would let my family down by admitting that I couldn't cope, I felt ashamed of myself. Once I did see my GP about it and opened up to my mom, both were so understanding and concerned that I had not opened up to them sooner. I too feared going on medication, but that has moved on so much - you don't change when you are on medication - 'you' are still there, just a you that can cope, laugh and not feel so down. As I have said on this site before, depression is an illness. If you had an infection you would go to your GP and willingly take whatever treatment was prescribed to make you well again. Depression is no different at all, it is a chemical imbalance in your brain that appears to be triggered by things that happen to us (but doesn't always need a trigger). To me it makes sense to view depression in the same way as an illness and see your GP - accept the treatment she offers. Medication can make you feel worse for the first few weeks, but stick with it and you will start to feel like your old self. I expect your mom would want you to open up to her, you say you share everything, I imagine she would be wanting you to share this too. As she suffers with depression too she will more than understand what you need. The worst thing you can do with depression is suffer alone, if you don't do anything else please see your GP.

Take care

x