How long can you keep fighting

How long can you keep fighting this ?? I had to question myself yesterday is it me that's making myself like this ?? Not being able to do most things, but get up everyday and go out , to come home and go to bed , but of course I'm not doing it to myself I'm that desparte to get out of being this way, so sorry if this doesn't make sense I'm trying to find an answer and away out, I just wish I could at least shop for clothers, I do try and walking around shopping areas all day but when you have no confidence and battling to get though the next hour it's so hard, you just have to make the day as easy for yourself as you can, if I'm in company ( with peolpe I feel comfortable with ) in there house etc I can deal and get comfort from that, but please God when does this end, I am reducing my medication to start a new one, but I just can't see noway out of this please help me through this hard time, I'm just so tried of living the same lonely life so very sorry I know this message is hard to understand, but I just feel worthless totally worthless and wish there was away out. Sorry

30 Replies

  • Hello Sandraan. No need to be sorry , you know as well as anyone that depression is not your fault and you should know by now it's the depression distorting your thinking that is making you feel worthless.

    Because you are a survivor and have proved you can survive this long spell of depression, the answer is you can fight it forever and you'll get better at fighting it. You won't have to fight it forever , however, depressive spells always end and yours will end also. You are doing well to get up and out everyday, and I would n't worry at all at not being able to shop for clothes. I know traditionally buying new clothes is supposed to lift people (women mainly ) out of depression . I don't believe this and what's more I suspect that clothes you buy when depressed,will not seem so appealing when this spell of depression ends. Think yourself lucky you're not spending money on clothes you may dislike later. If buying new clothes worked the NHS would find it far cheaper to give us all a clothes grant rather than ADs. Mind you they could do both, that would be good.

    The bad news for you is that although you must do all you can to help end this spell ( exercise,regular and good sleeping and eating habits , keeping in touch with friends and family as much as possible,getting out as much as possible , taking medication as prescribed etc. etc.) at the end of the day there is no guaranteed way of ending this spell by any set date.

    But it will end , believe me, and until it does life will be far worse than usual ,and all you can do is to keep finding new ways to fight it and things that work for you.

    Going out sounds good for you,and seems a good thing to me. I find reading heavily , watching dvd boxed sets and films (can't stand most current TV whether depressed or not) all help and take me out of myself for a mental holiday for a few hours. This gives my brain a rest from torturing me constantly.

    At the moment I'm OK and I do hope that you are OK too and very soon. In the meantime keep your courage and keep fighting.


  • Thank you so very much it really does help when like yourself peolpe take the time to care and support, I really appreacite your support and thank god there's so many caring understanding people, I really do appreacite your reply thanks Al

  • I struggle with anxiety, and it paralyses me, sometimes. I feel depressed at the thought of not being able to alter my world, planet earth, in the least bit, to the point where I was tempted to kill myself over it, or just lie down, go on strike, and do nothing, until I was dead; I was scared I wouldn't be able to do anything else, anyways, because I had no Faith to get anythin g... done anymore ... I mean, "The Righteous Live By Faith," right? But What happens when you don't have It? What would happen if I ran out? I don't remember that ever happening, by the way. I've discovered that most of the things that scare me are lies, but the being anxious all the time, almost feels like enough to drain me, every day, and being tortured in my mind and spirit. So, what do I do... I Ask God For A Way Out Of temptation; one time, I felt suicidal, and then It Occurred To Me: Heaven Felt Much Better; and hell hurt much worse, if anything, for much longer, than anything on earth. I just Had To Keep Going, (Following Jesus), I Was On The Right Path, And Then I'd Get To Heaven, And then the pain would Be Over, But Not Sooner, So I had to be Patient, and Tough, With God's Help; To Just Hold On.

    Also, I used to find it a mish to get anything done, at other periods during my life, and found I wasn't getting enough iodine in my diet. I took out mercury, too; this helped, too then; I don't know what my problem is now, it could be that I'm unhealthy as a vegan, or that I've just gone off my meds, all of them at once; it could be lack of sleep; it could be lots of stressful circumstances that are going on around my life, at the moment; it could be all or than one of these, at one time; ... and more. Keeping my Eyes On Jesus Always Helps, When my Heart Remembers, "I Am Free". He Told Me So.

    I hope this Helps... the pain does end, and so does hardness of things, the mish-ness. It's just not always right now, or 'soon in sight', but I will pray for you that it ends, as soon as possible, in a way That Is Good. I must admit, I felt most tired, like depressed-tired, when I was on my anti-psychotics for a diagnosed schitzophrenia; I decided it was easier to live with demons torturing me; And God Comforting me, than it was to live, Still With All of This; Good And bad, and on medication that didn't work, but made me feel super-tired, everyday, like I could hardly get anything done. I reduced first; I was on a high dose; and when the doctor wouldn't reduce it anymore, I tried just living a better life, pleasing them enough to make them do what I wanted, but he wouldn't, and my body was getting sick, so I stopped them, when I realized it was interfering with my Relationship With God, after I had skipped a few doses, and ate 100 g protein to alter the effects of me getting sick, but being up too late at night, I had to sleep in in the morning, which was My Quiet Time With God; Jesus Had Told Me I Was Free, Two Weeks Ago; And By Week Three, I was forgetting, and starting to feel the demons gripping me again, and knew I was responsible for living a lifestyle that I could change if I wanted to; how could I do that, willingly? God Asked Me, On One Of My 'Skipped' mornings, when I could Talk To Him. The Answer: I couldn't. ... So I got off the meds, as they made me too sleepy to be awake on time. ... Now I'm having a different problem: I'm not getting enough sleep: I'm looking into herbs for that... Love, ...btw ... you're not worthless... Jesus died for you ... and I just spent half an hour typing this, at least ... if Someone thinks you're worth dying for, you must be worth Something Of Eternal Or At least high value; if someone like myself can get tortured to type to you, while forgetting that she's free; memory problems; ... you must be worth something ... and I'm far from perfect! ... Just imagine, try to, How Much More Valueable you must Be To This God That I Work For ...hope this makes sense.

  • Thank. You so very much and yes please pray for me I need all the prayers I can get, you take great care and Thanik you for caring

  • Thank you!!! 😊

  • Hello Sandraan

    Many people with depression will recover, the second group will have depression with flare ups of the Old Black Dog, they will take medication for several months at a time for example While the third group, like me, will be taking drugs for depression until I am packed into that coffin that is waiting for me.

    Generally, sometimes it can be up to the patient, the person is in grief at a loss of a family member, or a broken relationship, there can be many reasons..

    You ask how long do you keep fighting, let me put it this way, we deal with the problem until we feel better or we are planted in the ground.

    There are coping skills that many patients find helpful,

    Talk to your GP He will be even to help


  • Thank you yes that makes a lot of sense, like you il be like this and on medication till my grave, Iv had it for twenty eight years but never ever this bad this long, thank you it really helps when I get caring peolpe for support

  • hi Sandra it sounds like your having a bad time, there are answers to why we are like this but many people don't want to know, its is the biggest disease that we all have and there is nothing we can do about it, the disease is called imperfection and all humans have got it, that is why were in the state were in today. take care Alan xx

  • Thank you al like always your there with kind caring supporting ways, I really appreciate it thank you, hope your ok

  • hi Sandra your very welcome you know i'm here for you when you need support take care speak to you soon big hug for you from me Alan xx

  • Hi Sandra I am sorry you are still suffering so much and I pray that it will end soon. I can't add anything to what has already been said but just wanted to show my support for you. Hugs bev xx

  • Hello, all replies as always are very helpful. Good you are getting out and about, great to move the body, get the vitamin d what you can and activate the mind. Personally I find any kind of shopping hard if depressed and even more depressing also too indecisive with too many options.

    I think you can get into that train of thought that it is you who is causing these issues as you beat yourself up and especially easy when not feeling at your best but then get into a negative spiral. I do this all the time, don't be too hard on yourself and you are worthwhile.

    I think I know what you mean when you ve been feeling like this for so long you start to think it's just my personality that's causing this or whatever and not necessarily the illness but I suppose they are both of the same thing, intertwined to the point that one can't diferentiate from one another.

    Also depression can make you look to yourself and be over critical. Anyway give yourself a break if you can and its always good therapy what you said about hanging with comfortable people it's always reassuring and can make you feel human and not look too inwards.

    I apologise as I have sort of been losing my thread of thinking while writing

  • Thank you David really struggling

  • Hello Sandra, I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you are feeling a bit better for today.

  • Thanks David so very kind of you to ask, was horrendous this morning and rang a medical line to explain how so bad I feel, I have got an appointment to see them on Tuesday, I had to make many phone calls last week to get this appointment, but I just could not get through to her that it's now Thursday morning I don't no how I'm going to get though the next hour, yet all you keep repeating is Iv got an appointment Tuesday, crying uncontrollable ( feeling so bad ) i thanked her and ended the call, It's just a job to her !!! Couldn't belive she never even offered to ring me later to see if I was ok !!!!! so thank you David for asking and taking the time to care it means so very much. To me I'm so very grateful, hope your ok

  • Hello Sandra, first I'm sorry I haven't replied earlier. I don't think I've been myself recently. Anyway, I read another of your posts not long after I had sent my last one and put more light on your situation and started to write a reply at the time but got stuck and a bit paralysed in what to say and wanted to say something's but then got all a bit lost in what I wanted to say and wondered if any of it would help anyway.

    I hope you are a little better at the moment

  • But anyway I read when you wrote that you were being bullied by your neighbours and felt very angry for you as I thought it is dispicable that they can do that, it really must be awful. But I also understand how you didn't want to give in also give in where you are living because of some scum living next door.

    It must be really difficult and a hell of a bind. I don't have the answers, I was trying to think of solutions and ways forward, I think that's where I came to a stop last time I wrote and thought what use is what I'm writing anyway.

    At the time I read what Bev wrote about removing yourself from the situation as that is probably the best solution then later you can start working on things without the fear of being attacked. Then hopefully you could put that episode behind you and make something else of your life as it really must be hell to lead a normal life with all that going on.

    I do understand you not wanting them to win, beat you.

    But you are doing the right thing staying at parents. To give you some breathing space because it must be quite traumatic.

    I mean I don't know the whole situation but last week a part of me thought I wish we get a group of us together and make a stand and let it be known that this is not acceptable. But anyway this would probably just inflame the situation when everyone had left.

    Definitely don't encourage them in anyway as it sounds like it doesn't take a lot for them to behave in this way but definitely let all the authorities, any social workers or whoever help you know what is going on as it will catch up with them someday.

  • Thanks David not good at all at the moment so please forgive me il catch up with you soon how are you ?

  • Hello Sandra, it's ok don't worry. I hope you are ok and things may seem a little rosier

  • You will eventually get better . It takes a long time to get back on track . You say you are taking new meds so your gp must be looking after you . Once you start your new meds and they settle, you will start to feel better. It's a frustrating illness and although I hate this saying ! Time is all we have. My advice is take some time to think of how you have felt so ill and have pushed yourself to be in company and although you have felt ill you have still forced yourself to do something out your comfort zone. This takes courage and strength and you have achieved this so look in the mirror every morning when you get up and say I deserve to feel better and I am going to get better. Try going for walks listening to music and reading . The more you stimulate your brain the better . Write down your achievements and pat yourself on the back. Hope this helps you sandrann.

    Good luck

  • What a lovely reply berty thank you very much, it exactly what I needed, I had a nightmare last night most of the night was waking with flash backs of it. Iv woke up this morning not so good so your message is a real comfort and exactly what I need right now as I am really struggling, The feelings and thoughts just take over and they so hard to control, you are so right with everything you have said it does take time Iv suffered since January after a breakdown in December and it's been the worst and longest time of my life and I just can't see an end to it, Iv battled every single day since then and although your right II have improved to what I was, I'm nowere near back to myself, I can't even think about the future, I can honestly just about think about getting though the day, I'm so very grateful for your kind caring support I so despartly need it right now, I wish to God he d take it away from me, so I could live a normal life, thank you so much

  • You will get through this, trust me, I have had depression on and off for 9 years now so I know exactly how you feel. I am not that good in myself at the moment but had a great 5 months free of depression not so long ago. Sticking to a routine is good when you feel so bad in yourself, making yourself go out at least once a day and trying to socialise, exercise will help lift your mood too, listening to favourite songs or songs that take you back to happier times, try a new hobby. I'm back on anti depressants which aren't working very well, but I'm determined one way or another to fight this illness, don't give up you

    are stronger than you think, take care :)

  • Than you so very much Chris, il message you tomorrow as its to late now, but just wanted to thank you for taking the time to care it means so much as I'm really struggling

  • Hey Sandraan, how are you feeling at the moment? I hope you are a little better?

  • Hi Chris thanks so much for asking, I'm fighting though at the moment, as my medication is changing so I'm at the lowest dose of my old one / lowest dose of new one, as you know it's awful starting / reducing antidressants ( I'm finding it really hard ) only for a diazpam a day I don't no how I'd cope at all !!!! Really appreciate you asking thank you, how are you ? Hope your feeling even a little better

  • Hi Sandraan, you sound so much like I am at the moment. I've had depression and GAD for over 20 years. I had my first psychotic breakdown in March. It was truely horrific. I've been seeing a counsellor while I've been waiting to see the recovery team. I'm working 13 hours a week, volunteering 1 day a week, I have been going up the gym and on walks with a walking group. This last couple of weeks though have been really terrible. I just want to sleep all the time. I am signed of work but I still go in, my boss is being really abusive to me though. I phoned the crisis team on monday, they told me that the recovery team havnt been in touch due to an admin error, I've been waiting since July. I've been looking desperately through all the online depression charities to try to get help because I have been making plans to kill my self, but I have a 17 and 19 year old and they have no other family, just me. My 17 year old has depression and axiety and neither of us can make friends, I want her to make a suicide pact with me because I know things will never change, the help is not there and she is in for a life of agonising misery. I've been reading about suicides in the paper and I wish I was as brave as them. I am getting to the point that the distress of being alive is too much and death is the only workable solution. It amazes me that there are so many mental health charities but I still cant get the help I need.

    My volunteering day is today in about an hour. I really am thinking 'what is the point in going' I feel unable to go, I've never felt this bad before.

    Reading your post really struck a chord with me, it made me feel less alone. Your brain is doing to you what mine is doing to me.

    I want to go to sleep, its raining and I have to get washed and find something to wear. I have to try hard to smile and to ignore my low self esteem. I've been sleeping for 48 hours but I just want to sleep some more. but I cant because then I cant pay the bills and I will be homeless, there is no one to lean on I have to keep going but what is the point. All my life I have pushed my self in the hardest situations because I always saw a point but I just dont anymore.

  • Raine, do you Mind me asking what medication your on now and strenght ? Also you Must explain to the Doctor your daughter is suffering also with no help or support !!!! That is also so very wrong, please go to your GP Monday morning even if you have to get an emergency appointment ( because that what this is )

  • Yes I understand you have to fight to get the help you need, please go back to your GP and tell them exactly how you are feeling and that you have no help or support I was let down by the recovery team and as a result ( now that I'm. A little stronger than I was Back in February ( like you after a break down ) i have reported them so it doesn't happen to anyone else, I was getting bullied by the manager of the recovery team ( I HAD MENTAL HEALTH what would I know, I'm the patient THEY KNOW BEST ) I reported her to her manager and she still bullied me, I stood up for myself one told her calmly and very professionally how her and her team had let me down s many times including the pyschatrist who worked along side her, I asked both of them " "have you ever had a breakdown or suffered with sever depression/,anxiety " until you have you both will never ever understand how a patient Truley feels and how HORRIFIC every hour is to LIVE " so yes I understand you completely please go to your GP as soon as possible your medication is not working for you ( like mine that's why I'm in the middle of changing) you always have people on her to listen to you although you think it doesn't help the way your feeling it does, if you can't get an appointment before Monday, go to A/E you need help and MUST Get it , il be back in an hour xx

  • Hi Sandra, After reading ur earlier post it gave me the push I needed to go to my volunteering. Its admin work for a cancer charity. It was really good that I went, I felt better than I have for 2 weeks. I got my daughter to her 2nd CBT appointment as well today. That is a huge achievement. She rarely comes out of her room.

    I think it is a really 'sick' irony that the hotch potch of NHS mental health services and charities seem so uncaring towards people with mental health issues. Its like 'if the mental health illness dosnt finish you off the mental health services will.' It really feels like these services are there for the providers and not for the users. I wonder how many horrible mental health workers have pushed people over the edge.

    I feel like my doctor really dosnt care either, none of my GPs have. I have been waiting to see someone from the recovery team to disuss my medication.

    The things that really help me are zumba or aerobic classes. For 7 months or so I felt too ill to go, then I went about a month ago and with my counselling I was feeling really good, then problems with my boss and worrying about my daughter and not going to the classes or for walks dropped me into a horrible nasty one.

    Wow there are amazing lovely people on this site.

    I think if people could feel what we have felt for so many years they would not be able to believe it. They would say ' I'm so sorry I didnt realise, how have you coped with this for so long'

    I have noticed that I do pick up if I am around people but I dont have any family or friends, I would like a mental health service where you could drop in any time day or night into a home like environment to just be with other people.

  • Hi Raine, I agree totally with everything you have said, do you mind me asking what medication you are taking/ strenght, I think having support, and guidance is the most important part of getting over a breakdown, and then having to deal with the horrfic day to day living, No one understands how bad a breakdown is ( the over coming it, is even worse ) unless they have had one, you need to ring and find out who is the manger (above the manager of recovery team ) and explain to them how you have been left with NO HELP OR SUPPORT for months, and if you don't get to see somebody this week you are going to take this matter further, as you have been neglected for far to long, do you mind me asking were about it is you live ? It's disgusting the way us people who suffer with mental health get given antidpressants and sent on are way, and most of the time we are to ill to fight and seek the right help we need, don't go back to work, take the time off work that you so rightly deserve, do the charity work, that's enough for now, and consentrate on getting the help you need and are so entitled to, you don't need the hassle from work or your boss you need time to get yourself right then you can support your daughter, but you have to look after you first then everything else will follow, sorry to reply so late, but been out helping a friend tonight, hope you have been ok ? Catch up with you tomorrow xx

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