In a dark place

[Steve7201]

Hi there going through a messy divorce and for the last month I can't eat or sleep.ive lost 2 stone in a month,all to do with what's happening and it feels like I have no control on the situation.cant talk to family cause I don't want them to worry.anybody in the same situation or been like this before?

Any advice would really help

Thanks

[secondhandrose2]

Hi Steve

Divorce is stressful at the best of times but when it's messy the stress levels can be sky high. You are probably right in that you will have very little control over the situation but you can control how you handle your side of things and hold onto the fact that you do your best not to make things even more messy. You can make sure you communicate in a straightforward way and don't give in to demands or take the easy road as that usually catches up at a later date. There will be a lot of feelings to process about the end of your marriage, how and why it occurred and the uncertainty about how things will develop in your life from now on so maybe you could consider talking things through with a counsellor once things are more settled, there will be loss and disappointment, and perhaps even feelings of responsibility alongside the helplessness and the complexity of feelings can lead to a sense of confusion from which it is easier to close off - it is good that you are allowing yourself to feel helpless at this point as it is always better to go through the feelings. You can also make sure that as well as reliably seeing the children if there are any you make sure you take care of yourself, built time into your week for yourself, to chill out and relax in the ways you most enjoy. In time you will need to re-establish a life for yourself and it is important not to lose touch with friends - mutual ones as well as those who are predominantly your mates - even if it results in going over things again and again and perhaps even finding some people take sides. Those kinds of things are inevitable sometimes and better to get it over with rather than have unrealistic hopes. Eat well, sleep as much as you can when you need it, if it all becomes too much maybe take Calms to help you to cope and if it begins to affect your work do seek help from friends and family as they will want to support you and share the worry.

Suexx

[Steve7201 in reply to secondhandrose2]

Thank you sue for the advice X

[Pippa_2015]

Hi Steve . I went through a messy split and I wasn't prepared for it . Whilst you are going through the process it will take it's toll on you. I too couldn't eat and lost weight and felt like I was just living a trauma . Which it is . Having someone to talk to is good to help process how you are feeling. Its a hugely stressful time but the divorce will not go on forever and when all the solicitors are done and you have dealt with the legal side you will start to feel better as there will be less stress .

Once I had conclusion and financial settlement signed etc then my stress lifted, it then got easier to deal with xxx big hug Pippa

[Steve7201 in reply to Pippa_2015]

Thanks pippa

[Pippa_2015]

I promise it gets better. In the short term sometimes it gets worse but it does end. Sometimes all you can manage is to put one foot in front of the other and that's ok x

[califdream]

Been through it. Twice. What I came away with both times is that divorce can bring out the absolute worst in people. Things are said and done that are meant to be hurtful. A useful tool is to pause before you react. If your soon-to-be-ex says things that cause you pain don't react immediately. Tell him/her that you need time to think about what was just said. That pause can help you calm down and regroup. It can also produce a retraction or apology. Things are said in the heat of the moment and those heated arguments can drive your divorce in a direction you don't want, a direction based on getting even. Talk to your closest friends/family and ask them to help you be objective and not emotionally reactive. Think of the life you want for yourself and look forward, not back. If you can stand up for yourself and strive for a fair divorce settlement, you will be surprised at the power you feel. Once the dust settles, you might discover that your unhappy marriage was negatively affecting you in ways you didn't even realize. I wish you the very best through this tough ordeal.

[Findingme in reply to califdream]

I also went through a tough divorce and what Califdream is saying makes a lot of sense. People lash out in the heat of the moment and often say things that they later regret. Hopefully you will deal with it all as rationally as possible to avoid creating any more drama than is necessary as it adds to your stress levels and makes you create Adrenalin.

When you are not dealing with the divorce, try to do something else to take your mind off it, and to rid your body of all that Adrenalin. It is the Adrenalin which raises your blood pressure and heart rate, reduces your appetite, and leads to the weight loss. This is useful in the short term as it helps you handle conflict, but allowed to go unchecked, can cause lasting harm to your body. Long walks or runs in the fresh air, chopping logs, boxing, playing with your kids or a dog, all help to relax you and use up the Adrenalin and helps you sleep.

You say you cannot talk to family, and I understand that. My family used to get too involved and made things worse so I kept it all bottled up. However you do need to talk, and I hope it help a bit on here, but try the Samaritans, or counseling, or a sensible calm friend who is not close to you both. Limit your discussions though, or both you and your friends will get stressed out. Try to keep in touch with reality, keep to a routine, and keep doing things which make you happy as they will help you get through all this.

When things get bad, repeat to yourself the mantra, "This too shall pass'. Which basically means... well you can google it.

I hope it all works out for you and make the most of the weight loss whilst you can. It rarely lasts.

[Steve7201]

Thanks for the advice,life just feels like a roller coaster at the moment,just waiting for the divorce and house to go through,then I can move on and build the life I want

[honey828]

My son went threw a divorcee 6 years ago and he still isn't over it, he has two kids and see's them every other weekend. From this divorcee he got so depressed that he is now taking drugs. Things happen I know it is hard but you have to look forward and not back. Take care of yourself. Things will get better, look to the furture and not the past. If not you will get very sick and nothing will change. Wish you luck....