Not understanding this stage

Hello Everyone.

About two years ago, I fell into a deep depression. I am a 21 year old college student. I have had episodes of depression in my lifetime, most when I was in middle and high school. Growing up, whenever I tried to talk about the depression and anxiety I was feeling, most would write it off as being part of a phase, or going through the regular "teenage angst."

Two years ago, I was a prisoner inside my own body. I experienced some concurring health and personal problems during this time that did not help the depression I was already going through. I wound up in a dark place. Not able to go to class, not able to eat, not able to talk to anyone. I was scared to leave my small dorm room, and at the same time I was anxious of being trapped inside. I couldn't do anything, my grades started slipping, my relationships were struggling, and all I wanted was to die.

I was encouraged to go to counseling. I started going, but even getting the words out required too much effort. My counselor encouraged me to seek out a psychiatrist. I have been taken Zoloft and Wellbutrin since March. I also take hydroxozine for the insomnia. I have been doing better. I am away from home and taking a break from school, and doing an internship right now.

Right now the thing that motivates me is that my family is struggling and I desperately need the money to help them. In my internship, I am doing something I am extremely passionate about, I am working as an Energy Engineer. Despite this, I cannot seem to keep myself motivated and excited. I find myself struggling to complete my tasks at work. Whenever I get home, I struggle to do anything for myself. My apartment is a complete mess, I haven't cooked in months, I haven't washed the dishes in probably a month and a half, I haven't done laundry either. I haven't been able to get myself to work out (something I had been doing regularly.) My only escape is going out on the weekends, with friends from work, and drinking from Friday to Sunday. Most times however, I will drink and instead of going out to have a good time, I will stay at home, laying in my bed, drunk, not able to get up.

Going from day to day, I feel sedated. Like i'm drifting through my day not actually doing anything. Completely disconnected from reality. When I get home, I drift right into my bed, and cannot get out. I do not actively feel depressed however, I feel completely drained of all energy, I feel like a zombie, but I do not feel the severity of the depression. I am not sure if it is the medication that is causing this apathy and lethargy, or if it is something else. I am not sure what to do. Has anyone experienced this? I am not sure if this is part of the depression, but I am scared I will fall back into my hole. Whenever I try to explain this to someone they think I am just tired from work, but it is more than that. I don't know what to do, or if any of what I said even made sense.



4 Replies

  • Hi this definitely sounds like depression to me. The numbing effect could well be the drugs but the only way to find out is to contact a professional. Don't you have a student counsellor you could talk to? I am sure they won't dismiss you out of hand. If you find it hard to speak then try writing it all down and just handing it to them? Or go to your doctor. Maybe you need a review of your meds?

    I understand why you are drinking but drink itself makes depression worse so you are not helping yourself there. Try and cut down if you can. x

  • Thanks for your reply coughalot2. Since i'm not at school, or anywhere near school its hard to talk to someone about it. I have been thinking of calling my psychiatrist. The thing that just strikes me is it feels so different than the depression im used to. Its almost as if my body and mind have given up. But you are right about the drinking. I will try to cut down.

  • That can be a stage of depression as well. It's such an exhausting illness to fight that no wonder sometimes we are knackered and can't fight any more. I wish I had the answer love but I don't. Keep us informed how you get on please.

    We are here for you and others will be in soon to give their support. Sundays is often very quiet on here. x

  • I will keep you informed. Thank you for being so supportive. It definitely helps to know that theres people who understand.

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