want to come back :-(

Hi everyone.

I have an apology to make :-( I first came on this site over a year ago now and met you guys and you did make a big impact on my life which helped so much when I was talking to you, and then I disappeared as quick as I came :-(.

Thing is I didn’t really disappear, just went through a little bad patch and deleted my account as monib and opened another one as ladeda. After that I felt I might offend if I tried to explain and then went back to being my usual storking self! Reading posts and silently talking to you all in my head, but not being able to say anything.

So why you may ask have I suddenly resurfaced my voice?

I am very anxious rather than depressed and incredibly alone, which as you all know can be one of the most devastating things when you are trying to cope with mood swings.

My depression has been in very good control since my last episode, I haven’t felt depressed for such a long time, thanks to books that I read and methods I tried, and a lot of the information I got from speaking to you all on this site. I have missed you all, especially the humour and compassion of the ones that have been here for such a long time.

The reason I am now back to being so needy, could be self pity I suppose, but don’t think I am concerned too much about me, but the daughter that I dote on. She has been working abroad for the last month and comes home today, in a couple of weeks she moves out completely to live with her boyfriend, I will sure miss her, even though I know we will of course speak everyday by phone, just like we always do. I am so glad for them and it is perfect timing as I don’t want her to see so much of me at the moment.

The reason I am so anxious and shaking about seeing her when the plane lands is I feel I have to tell her what I know :-( and I am scared.

I had to go to the doctors with a few miner things and was sent to the hospital the following week. I have always avoided all the routine screening the NHS offered as I didn’t want to care about myself in the past due to the long history of depression. So this was my first mammography (i'm 60), so it was a little bit of a shock to then be told after that I now have advanced cancer. So feeling a little guilty, just the same as when I used to get bad bouts of depression, as I cant stand the thought of hurting my daughter, through my own fault.

For anyone reading this that has an exceedingly good memory of last year, my ex husband had left us after a very long and what I thought was a very happy marriage and to have a sex change, which I guess was what bonded me and my daughter so closely and would tare me apart so much when I was down and just wanted a way out, as i knew how much i would hurt her.

I know this is all silly as I am not yet even terminally ill! Just going to be a little unwell until it’s sorted, our NHS is incredible, I met the most lovely caring people last week and know I am in excellent hands, so there is no problems there.

But I don’t want to feel alone anymore, so please forgive me for always being here and never just saying hello x


6 Replies

  • Hi ladeda I am so sorry to hear about your cancer my love, I am thinking of you and sending you lots of healing vibes.

    You have no cause to apologise, people come and go all the time on online forums and perhaps especially on depression ones. I remember you as Monib and always thought you were a nice person, so welcome back as ladeda.

    Sometimes members just need and can't give anything back and that's fine too, we all do that.

    But remember though we are here for you and you are not alone. Now you have returned stay with us and we will help and support you all we can. Ok? Bev x

  • Thanks bev, i was so grateful to you all last year for the support, it feels a relief that I can again off load my problems with friends that I found to be so uplifting and know how to laughxx

  • Laugh? Wash your mouth out with soap young lady :D Bev x

  • Hi Minib welcome back here, sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but hopefully you will have lots of support here. Tray and take it day by day, and

    Don't assume the worst about hurting your daughter, she will just want you

    To be happy.

    Monib please please do t feel you need to apologise for not being around, people come and go according g to different events and turns in their lives.

    That's the nature of the beast,.

    Warm big hug for you.

    Hannah xxx

  • Thanks Hanna, I have missed talking to you x.

    I think the reason I am getting in such a state about my daughter is because it's something she was so arcade of. She was 17 when her dad left and one of her best friends at school suddenly lost her dad from cancer, then a few months later the friends mum got cancer and died a few months later, she was so afraid at the time that she could loose me and be all on her own as well even though I have never been ill.

    Somehow I have to get it accross that this is not terminal illness and I will recover, I just hope I do it right x.

    I am meeting her and her boyfriend for breakfast in the morning, but I have now decided it may not be the time to tell as long as I find out if she will be home for one evening before my next visit to the hospital. I think I am more anxious over this than finding out if the cancer has spread anywhere else.


  • Hiya,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I truly hope there are treatments that can help you and the illness. When we are depressed then we can easily neglect our own health. I put off a cervical smear and then had a high grade result this year. You blame yourself but you shouldn't, you were ill and didn't care about yourself. I just hope that things can be sorted out for you. Don't worry about telling your daughter. She loves you and will just want to be there for you after all you have gone through.

    I think I remember you from last year and please, you have nothing to apologise for in not responding or posting on the forum. If it helped you in any way then that is what it is for. It is just nice to hear from you.

    So hello again,

    Sarah x

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