Sad, lonely, hearing loss and slightly suicidal.

[jim200]

I'm pretty sad and lonely, I've been kicked out by my parents last year and since then I've been settled in a hostel. I suffer from depression/anxiety... I mean you tell me I always feel low and hopeless, I feel tired for no apparent and I mean tired as hell and my sleep cycle is so messed up if I miss one night sleep thats it. I'm a recluse or hermit if you will and fear going outside especially to crowded places, while I was homeless I was sleeping on hard surfaces so the muscles in my back and lower back are relaxed so now I can't even walk as properly as I used to, my hip feels out of place and my posture is all messed up, half the time its a struggle sitting down properly, Im even sitting in a bad way as I type.

Oh and heres more exciting new! I have high frequency hearing loss, I'm sure anyone would feel shitty about that but on top of my mental health and my career of being a music producer/composer might come to an end because of it, and thats a pain like no other. Its like raising a child for 10 years and suddenly its paralysed, yeah thats a bit of an exstaggeration but you get my point Its killing me (i'll probably end up selling my studio equipment). While I have noticeable hearing loss, I still want relief from the pressure I feel in my ears from the loss, I don't know why its so prevalent, I've convinced the doctor to get me a second opinion from another hospital, the the hospital I had an appointment at yesterday... as per usual since i'm not ready to travel alone, I have to get escorted like a little child and its embarrassing considering my age, I can't get on public transport alone? Well when I got there I wasn't too pleased with his diagnosis, he practically said the same thing, he said theres nothing he can do about the hearing loss and its too early of a stage to fit in some hearing aids, it said it won't help me. So I tend asked him to atleast work on getting rid of this tension and pressure in my ears I have, I can learn to deal with the slight hearing loss but the irritating pressure is something I want to go, the man wouldn't even give me a straight answer, infact what he did next I feel made it a little worse. He took me into the next room and clean the little wax out of my ear just to shut me up. And ever since probed my ear with his instrument my ear has progressively gotten worse and thus making me feel even more disconnected from this world and depressed, he put me in for anther MRI to rule out any nerve problems but I doubt that it would make a difference... right now I am alone and haven't slept for one night and I always feel scared and anxious, I don't feel like anyone understands my situation not even the staff members where I work, I feel as if they undermine my problems and treat me with very little respect sometimes. Im mostly in my room almost everyday with little to no movement, I'm terrified of being judged if I leave my room. Day by day Im losing hope, I'm sick and tired of people asking me question as if I have control over myself, its really patronising, like do you have any friends? do you go out? What are you going to do today? It really makes no sense asking someone in my condition that, obviously i want to get better, I have goals which I'd like to achieve and things I want to change about my life but I can't and right now I feel like crying and theres no real solution to end my torment.

[Hidden]

Hello Jim

Life can be a real pain and it is really rare that life runs smooth and we can do things we really want.

I do not know your age or the situation that caused your homelessness. Believe me when I say that sometimes depending on family, help is sometimes lacking and we have to peddle our own way through life that can be full of hard knocks.

Sometimes we may need to allow ourselves a diversion from what we want to do so we can provide ourselves with an income so we can manage to move and start on our preferred journey. This does not prevent us moving on to brighter pastures later on, in fact it can make us more appreciative of our future success and it also learns us to appreciate that past for what it was, also the future journey we have struggled to take.

All I can suggest to you is explain your situation to your GP at this time and possibly some form of assistance can be given with regards the stress and depression you are feeling now.

Life when we are young can be problematic as I remember the problems I had with my family when I was at College and work, money was short and I was unable to find a place to live until quite late in my twenties as at times I would be with friends, girlfriends and a surrogate family who helped me out over that difficult time. We cannot expect everything to fall into place when young and I suppose, most probably if things had been to easy I would have failed to appreciate life chances later on and the falls and failures I have had to suffer.

Personally my health failed me in my mid twenties and was retired from my position that I had trained for up from my teens till then. Other doors opened and we need to look for those chances.

Take advice from your GP explain your mental health to him and He may be able to help you at this difficult time

Good Luck

BOB

[jim200 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the kind words and sharing your story, I'm glad that Im not alone and theres other out there who went thru the same thing I'm going thru at the moment. I will consult my GP as soon as I get the courage to do so.

[Obriens3]

Jim I'm so sorry your having such a rough time, living in a hostel can't be much fun. Can your GP help with getting you some social housing, or getting you a care worker? Surely there is help out there for people with mobility and hearing difficulties,. I feel your loss with the hearing deterioration, as someone who used to sing professionally and have a great love of listening to music I can relate to this. I know this has probably turned your world upside down and now you have to think in a new direction other than the one you planned to take your life. Are there any other creative outlets that you can pursue ? What about writing ? The worst thing you can do isisolate yourself , locking yourself away will make you more depressed. I know it's not easy but try to get out and keep talking to people on the site so you don't feel so alone. I hope you don't think this is patronising. Wishing you well

[jim200 in reply to Obriens3]

I haven't told the GP much about my problems, I live in a hostel thats catered to those who are on the mid-high priority housing needs based on my assessment. I can walk around and I can hear what is being said but not as well as I used to, with a bit of work I can fix the walking problem but Im affraid the high frequency hearing loss is possibly permanent, not even hearing aids can fix it, I just can't hear high pitch sounds as well as before so the details in noise is harder to detect, focusing on sound is more difficult too. Yes music was my number one passion and I've put many hours into it as it was one of my sources of income and it gave me confidence so its sad to see me consider giving it up cause it doesn't make me happy. I od have other creative outlets, I'm also really into design, I'd love to design products. Writing? Have you read this post? Im terrible at writing, you be the judge of that.

I don't know what else I can do besides spend my days locked up in doors its the only place where I feel a little bit better, when Im outside it reminds me about all the things I want to forget, I have to social then I'd have to talk people in nosiey environments and then Im reminded of my hearing impairment. I dont think you're being patronising.

Thank you for taking the time to respond Obriens3

[Obriens3 in reply to jim200]

Jim, I hope your feeling a bit better. See all the lovely posts your getting. I still think you should see the GP just in case there is some help out there that your missing. It's not healthy or good for your frame of mind to lock yourself away and sit indoors all the time. You don't need to go to overly crowded places, if there is a park nearby go and chill and get some fresh air. Or is there a public library where you could access books and computer to fuel your love of design ? I would also look into support groups nearby where you can meet with other people who can relate to what you are going through. I realise its a big effort to do this when your feeling so low, but these are just a few suggestions for you x

[Stilltrying_]

Jim, I hear the desperation in your post. I work with people with hearing loss and I can see what an enormous extra blow this will be in a situation where you are already strained to nearly the last inch.

It is horrible as well feeling so low and yes I agree that when people ask you questions about "do you have friends", "do you go out" etc. of course that is not what you want to hear. Sometimes we just really want others to understand how c*** we feel and what a terrible burden life can be at times and for them not to keep asking us questions.

My heart goes out to you. All I can say, which I'm not sure if it's any help at all but it is possible that things can get better for you and that you won't always feel quite so terrible as you obviously do at the moment. I know that because I have felt that low myself (although thank God I don't have a hearing loss, but I do have back and neck pains which once again thankfully are much improved at the moment). The physical and the mental can all mingle together and the one being bad escalates the other and so on. It has improved for me and it can improve for you; at the moment you are in a state of grief and pain over your hearing and other things but things can improve in time.

Do hang on in there and I hope expressing yourself and having people listen has helped a little.

Sending hugs your way

Gemmalouise x

[jim200 in reply to Stilltrying_]

hi, Gemmalouise

I'm glad you understand what I'm going thru and what I was conveying in my badly written post, its my first one and writing isn't really my strong point in my opinion. The type of hearing loss I suffer from isn't the type that most people have, its a slight dip in the frequency spectrum on the highest side, so the higher the picture the difficult it becomes to decipher the noise, unfortunately science has no solution for this kind of issue yet so I have to learn to deal with it but I can in time but my concern now is getting rid of the pressure in my ear that keeps bothering me, the doctors probably think Im making it up, but its always there. Im not sure how people with profound hearing loss (the typical type of hearing loss) feel but Im sure that they don't have theres physical tension in their ear 24/7 maybe tinnituis which annoys them but nothing like this, Im worried that its going to progressively get worse and they dont understand that progressive hearing loss is what Im trying to avoid.

I've never felt like this before in my life, and the feeling of worthlessness can make a man look defeated. Those kind of question are small talk I don't like to engage in because nothing can really come out of a conversation like that, and I think people believe they can ask any question to someone in my condition cause they look down on me. Thanks for the support and sharing your story with me, I will try to do what I can just like you have to get myself back on track, I lost so much in the span of a year and gained absolutely nothing and now I have to reintroduce myself back into society if I ever want to get help.

I appreciate you checking out my post. Thanks.

[Photogeek]

Hi Jim

There is quite a lot packed into your Post. Sorry your feeling so awful.

I am a bit confused , you say your parents threw you out! What age are you?

You talk about working in the music business? So what's been happening?

Life in a hostel must be hard, why can you not go out? You really need to get

Help for that for a start. You can't stay indoors or you will never get better

Have you been to see about getting help and support for all these things. You

Are apparently young and you do seem bright and talented. So stop being

Negative and make a list of what YOU can do to help yourself.

There is no use me saying ' oh you poor baby' that will not help you. Start managing

Your Depression but really no one else is responsible for you but yourself, so

Don't expect people in your Hostel to mollycoddle you, life is tough and it's up

To you to get help and change things.

Once you make a start things will seem much brighter. Please let us know

How things are going .

Hannah

[jim200 in reply to Photogeek]

Hey Hannah, thanks for checking out my post, I know its all over the place and poorly constructed as I was under a great deal of stress when I was typing it. I was looking for places I can call (anyone but Samartans anything but them) on the NHS site under clinical depression, but I couldn't find any numbers but they redirected to this site and now Im here. Yes my parents threw me out after I dropped out of uni and got a job at tesco's, they thought my choices were a waste of time and they prefered me to get a career instead of a dead end job, I think they threw me out because I didn't give them any gurantee whether I'll return to education the following year but they'll never admit to that... they're aren't aware that the main reason why I even dropped out was due to my mental health problems, I was having a hard time focusing and juggling things in my life, those were the early stages of me shutting my self in. I was 24 at the time now IM 25. The hostel I live at is a bit better than the average hostel, the workers can be helpful at times but sometimes they can get too busy to cater to your needs. I don't go out cause I learned that going out just makes me feel ill, I can breathless and really terrified lleaving my room so I decide to just stay in most of the times, which is not ideal considering I need to leave when the time I get treatments comes.

Yes you are right theres no point in just receiving comfort without finding practical solutions, I just dont think Im in the right state of mind to know where to go form here next without contemplating ways to ease the pain.

I'll try to keep you updated, thanks for the advise I really appreciate it.

[Photogeek in reply to jim200]

Hi Jim thanks for that. Don't worry about your email being

Rushed, it must be very hard for you at the moment.

It's very hard to make changes when your down but the thing

Is to make tiny changes, you are still very young and that's good.

It's so sad that your parents threw you out, maybe they thought

That this would help, but I think it's very harsh of them. You

Probably should have told them about your problems , but if they

Threw you out, maybe they are not the sort to understand

depression. Are you in touch with them at all? Or is this door

Completely closed.

Jim you need support and help, are you under a Drs care at the

Moment or on any Medication? If not I think a good move

Would be to get along to a Dr. And see what help in form of

Counselling is there for you.

We will help you here as much as we can, so never fell that

You are alone. You have us as your backup now.

Jim you sound like a very bright and articulate young man who

Is just going through a very bad patch. It's very hard on young

Men nowadays, as they find it harder to ask for and get help.

Jim feel free to message me anytime as I'm usually around.

Big hug for you

Hannah

[CarolineLondon]

Sent you a PM Good Luck, dont give up just yet, some truth in darkest before the dawn. You'll get good listeners and advice here take heart X

[jim200 in reply to CarolineLondon]

I'll check your PM now Caroline and thanks for the encouragement.

[angse]

Hi Jim I agree with everyone's advice here, you have been given, have or are you getting help for the depression you are suffering from, I am so sorry you are going through such an awful time of it, there must be more help out there for you, escepically due to your medical problem as well, its hard enough as it is closing with depression without being homeless and no family support on top of it all, my heart really goes out to you, speak to your doctor and tell him everything, and ask him to put you in touch with the right people or pave the way for you in the right direction, for you to get the support you really need, hope all goes well. Annette

[jim200 in reply to angse]

I'm amazed at the amount of input and moral support Im getting from this site, I never expected it, Im humbled by everyone who's genuinely shown interest in my problems and even offered solutions. Depression/Anxiety + Homeless is never a good combo and not having the support of the ones who are suppose to be by your side thru thick and thin is upsetting. I am embarrassed to share my problems in the real world especially to my doctor but I know thats what they're there for in the first place to make me get better. I will try my best.

Thank you for your kind words Annette

[angse in reply to jim200]

Hi Jim200

You are most welcome, I know its hard to talk to someone like gp about your problems, I was cringing, I felt I was weak, and should be able to manage my life, but depression is an illness and of course you can't manage, I'm glad I got through that first hurdle, its made it easier to speak out, you take care and keep in touch with us all. Annette

[Imawinner]

Hi jim200

Don't give up that's all I ask just now. I m sorry I m struggling myself just now so I don't know what to say to you but I feel in my heart to tell you this: "don't give up" may God bless you.

Hugs

[trekster22]

Hugs and hope your pain is easing soon, see if theres a local metnal health support group in your area where you can meet likeminded folk.