Really depressed

[Smartie1688]

My husband told me he wants a divorce, I knew it was coming, but I can't get my head round why he has been treating me like I'm the one who cheated. I am hurting so much inside but so angry too, I want revenge for making me hurt so bad. Everything that has happened just keeps replaying over and over in my head. I wish it would stop.

[Chris76]

Hi Smartie

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

He is trying to justify why he cheated and blaming it on you by the looks of things but you need to be proud of yourself and remind yourself that this isn't your fault. No matter how bad your relationship was there was no need to cheat.

Revenge isn't going to help you as its a short term measure and won't make you feel better. I have a 2hr drive now so have to get ready but if I can reply in more detail later I will.

Stay strong Smartie x

Chris

[Obriens3]

Hi Smartie,

Divorce is one of the most stressful things, I agree with Chris. He is probably feeling guilty and dealing with it by placing the blame for the breakdown of the marriage on you. It's always easier to blame someone else than to face up to your own actions. When going through a divorce it's surprising how someone you thought you knew can change and do and say hurtful things. Divorce is never easy especially when a third party is involved. Try to stay strong, keep talking and don't bottle things up. Xx

[Findingme]

Oh yes, I know this one. It is a horrible place to be in. All I can offer is sympathy. I don't know whether it is better to get revenge, even if you end up regretting it later, or to be strong. I suppose it depends on who you are. However if you really feel justified in blaming him then taking revenge kind of undermines that position. Why not take a break from things with some good friends and do something nice for you, and let the dust settle for a while. You may see things clearer then.

[WantToChange]

Hi there,

This is horrible to read. I'm hearing of different people being cheated on atm and I just can't understand it. It must feel like your world is crashing down.

You shouldn't seek revenge Darling, because at the end of the day he was cruel to you. You can't change what he did. Eventually you will accpet what he's done and he will be the one to carry on feeling guilty. And trust me, he does feel guilty, that's why he's treating you this way. He's shutting off because he can't deal with the guilt and doesn't want to be reminded.

Try to stay strong and keep in mind that many people have gotten through this and been able to move on. Maybe you will meet someone more deserving and caring :).

Much love to you xx

[Findingme]

Hi again,

Your post said your husband wants a divorce. You didn't actually say he cheated on you. Are you absolutely sure of your facts? Are you clear on what happened and why? What do you want to happen? Until you know the answers to these questions I don't recommend you do anything. I am not suggesting you let him talk you around, or that you should excuse any bad behaviour to hang onto a bad marriage. I am saying that now is the time to think before you act, but try to get into a calm state of mind so you make considered decisions. Counselling might help, but be careful as many counselors will focus on trying to make you feel better quickly rather than using this pain as a catalyst for change.

Whatever the outcome for your marriage, I wish you all the best, and hope you come through it ok.

[Smartie1688 in reply to Findingme]

I caught him a year ago on the 6th April, I was getting anonymous txts from ppl and he denied everything. He thought by having an affair it would cure his impotence!! I trusted him until I caught him purely my accident. I gave him so many chances but he still thought it was ok to stay in contact with the b**** and I know that he was still calling her in Nov last year. I can't understand how he can think that is acceptable. He has been so cruel to me by ignoring me and treating me as though I don't exist. He is seriously messing with my head, I think he wants to drive me crazy.

We went to counselling but he never worked on what the counsellor suggested, in fact he did the complete opposite. he says he wants to be friends, but why would I want to be friends with someone so untrustworthy and doesn't even respect me? I hate him so much right now.

[Findingme]

Again, do you want to divorce him? If not, let him make the first move.

Ask yourself another question. Why would he want to be friends with you? What is in it for him? Do you have children together?

[Smartie1688 in reply to Findingme]

He has asked for the divorce and we have 2 children. That's why I wanted to make a go of it, but he has done everything possible to destroy everything. I still loved him despite what he had done, but his behaviour over the last 6 weeks is disgusting. He moved out 6 weeks ago to clear his head. He gives people messages to pass on to me even if it's about having the kids for the day. He cancels last minute to say he can't have the kids but not calling me but through other people. He is completely ignoring me and I really hate him now.

[Findingme in reply to Smartie1688]

It sucks to be ignored, and you will no doubt hate the idea he is avoiding you. But if he is being honest, pushing him won't help. If he is lying you are better off spending the time focusing on keeping it together.

Focus on you and the kids for now. You might find taking this time yourself helpful. Who knows how you might feel once you stop worrying about what he is up to.

[Smartie1688 in reply to Findingme]

I'm so lucky to have a large supportive family behind me and also my boss has been a complete star, he is so understanding and supportive. I'm just angry about the whole situation but today I made an appointment to see a solictor on Tuesday and I am ready to move on. I am going to be much better off without him and my career is just starting to take off, so I have something to keep me busy, I just need to stay focused. Thank you everyone for your messages, my emotions are all over the place right now and I'm sorry if I go on a bit. Xx

[Findingme in reply to Smartie1688]

I know your emotions are all over the place. That is why I recommend not rushing into anything. I hope your solicitor is able to inform you of your rights, and how to proceed with a divorce, but please do not rely on them for any advice about your choices or what is right for your kids. A mediator might be helpful.

[Dens]

It is so difficult my love I had the same with my 1st husband, I don't know how many he went through, before, during and after my pregnancy and then up until I left. Lifted his hand to me and that was it, I had a hand print on my cheek for hours. I moved out that day with a 9 month old baby. On reflection it was the best thing I did although I was made to feel guilty by him, putting all the blame on me, but trying to patch things was never going to stem the flow.

I never wanted revenge as it's not in my nature although (to make you smile) I have heard of women giving their husbands a head massage with ......... Immac/Vite hair remover and others that cut all the arms out of their shirts and jackets but to me, although funny, it drags you down to his level. Keep your pride.

Another thing was I remained friendly as we had a son and allowed him to take our son all over the world (he was pilot) much to everyone's displeasure as they did not trust him. However 40 years later after 3 more wives he is still alone, very ill and I have been the only one he reaches out to since our divorce. I always took our child and my subsequent children from my 2nd marriage to visit his parents and siblings in fact my husband & I visited him and all his family in the summer, so time heals.

At this moment you must do what is right for you however hard. xxxx Dens