I am really really scared: My husband... - Mental Health Sup...

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I am really really scared

Missy_D profile image
14 Replies

My husband is supposed to be my carer. I say supposed because he is on paper but not practically. I still have to manage my own medication (use an app on my phone), have to cook the dinners, do the housework when I am in the right frame of mind. Even though I wish to curl up in a ball, pull the duvet over my head and cry, he wont let me. So what an I scared of? Well, without my reminder for my medication he wont remember to take his. I have to remind him to go and collect my medication (because of my risk factor's I am not allowed to collect unaccompanied), he regularly starts things yet rarely finishes them (from making a cuppa, feeding the cats even his work to some degree). He criticises my personal hygiene, yet often doesn't remember to wash his hands after going to the bathroom. He is also displaying more anger towards me. If he wants to have an afternoon nap then he will tell me he is having one and take himself to bed; however if I want to go to bed before the normal time then I find myself asking and when he says no and/or starts to make snide comments I remain sat on the settee with him. His mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in her early 60's (she passed away earlier this year 20+ years after the diagnosis) and I fear he has the same. The more I think about it, the worse my fears are. The thoughts in my head are going crazy; distorted and beyond reasonable but I am scared I may act on them. I can barely look after myself; and as cruel as it seems I cannot look after him. I cannot even have the conversation with him. Scared is an understatement

14 Replies
MAS_Nurse profile image

Hi Missy_D,

Maybe it's time to have a serious chat with your GP about what's going on and get their advice, and raise awareness of your husband's behaviour. Tell that you feel scared and threatened. Tell them how the situation is impacting you on a daily basis. It may be that you both need independent social care needs assessment. You may need an outside carer to come daily to assist you and take the responsibility away from your husband. You don't need permission from anyone to go to bed and rest when you need too. You need professional help before this escalates out of control. What do you think?

Has anyone else got any ideas to help support this member?

Stay safe and take care.

MAS Nurse

Missy_D profile image
Missy_D in reply to MAS_Nurse

Thanks, I suppose I knew what I nee to do but because I suffer BPD I struggle with communication, especially with professionals. I have a GP appointment next week anyway.

snicolle54 profile image

O M G you poor thing I’m in a sad situation my self where my wife assaulted me and my mum by beating so I’m hoping they sort her out any way hope you get things sorted and things start looking up

hypercat54 profile image

Hi I don't think this man has dementia but is just controlling and abusive. I agree with MAS Nurse to have a chat with your doctor.

Do you have a family member or friend who could be your carer instead? x

Missy_D profile image
Missy_D in reply to hypercat54

I hope it is not dementia but I worked in adult social services until I was made redundant so although it may not come across in my post, what I am observing are classic signs of early dementia (amongst other things )


Talk to your GP, you need a needs assessment, and the dynamics of you and you husband needs to be taken into consideration. Generally speaking it may be a good idea if possible to discuss a possible visit from Social Services and if you are seemingly at risk a removal to an intervention centre may be the best way forward.

When They checked the cause of my memory they also discussed my carers needs and Hazel was given a telephone number to call if I went into a crisis. They can take you out of the house for respite care.

Talk to your GP and explain what is going on. I know from experience I am hard work when I am unable to help myself and I can be very difficult when my depression is really bad.

I do not know your Age, if over sixty Age Concern does in places have day centres and also assessment care with Dementia Patients.

If you are a Dementia Sufferer the assessment can last over five weeks and again they will arrange support when needed, for patient and carer.


Missy_D profile image
Missy_D in reply to

Thanks Bob. I am 47 and my partner is 52. I am seeing my GP next week so providing I am feeling confident I will try and mention it then

Whatever you decide you need a comfortable uncomplicated life and it is no good if you are feeling at risk.

In my situation I am sixty eight and my Wife is sixty one, Hazel also has a disability caused by a car accident, so She can be slowed by the multiple breaks she suffered, it is getting worse as She ages.

One of the main problems we have now is my Mental Health and ability to get around. So we made some quite complex changes to a bungalow. It has various adaptations so we can in the future live at home. We are not at this time getting any help from Social Services, an assessment was given and we received a restricted form of help first when we moved into the bungalow and later when they were checking me out for early stage Dementia. Dementia can in some cases can strike in middle age fifties. If that is a problem your husband has, they may need undertake the tests


Satsuma profile image

He does not deserve to have the title of being your carer .. Please try to stop using this title for him and let your GP know about this .. Is your husband getting the carers allowance for you because if he is, he does not deserve this either .. He sounds to me that he is not the right partner for you so why stay with someone if this is how he makes you feel ? Being alone is better than being with someone whom does not value you and it speaks volumes here that he does not

Missy_D profile image
Missy_D in reply to Satsuma

I have been with him for 28 / 29 years, married for 25. I tried to leave 12 years ago but bottled it. Although it sounds cliché if he wasn't around I would be dead as he has twice saved me from my suicide attempts.

We get no assistance with regards to him being my "carer" financial or otherwise and I have mentioned it to my GP but it fell on deaf ears.

Satsuma profile image

You get one life .. Its great that he saved you from suicide but in the long germ staying with him will not and is not adding much value to your life and besides that Where is the Love ? You are clearly not happy in this situation .. Can you envisage another 28/29 years with him ? Being human you will only be able to take so much. Being alone is so much easier than being with someone like this .. I speak from experience by the way

Missy_D profile image
Missy_D in reply to Satsuma

Yes I get one life and you really don't know my life. I would rather stay married and safe than be on my own. I wouldn't last long. It's not a question that I am unhappy with the relationship but I am scared that neither of us will be able to look after the other or ourselves. Telling people to end a relationship without knowing anything about that person is a risky sentance and actually hurtful and damaging.

Satsuma profile image
Satsuma in reply to Missy_D

I said what I did in reaction to what you have described that is all .. I may have got the wrong end of the stick but from what I perceived did not sound a productive situation to me .. Reading all that hurt me as I remembered the years that I experienced and I remembered how low I was .. This is one of the reasons I hardly post here anymore because people can get upset easily by others opinions

Satsuma profile image
Satsuma in reply to Satsuma

Plus if you feel scared, why stay there in that position ? .. I agree with Hyoercat that he sounds abusive and controlling that is all

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