I've been spending the last couple of days at my mother's house. As I write this post, I am nursing a heavy cold and sore throat, for which I am neither seeking medical advice or sympathy for.
My problem and the reason why I am posting is inevitably depression based !
I decided this morning that I wouldn't accompany my parents to my brothers house for lunch. My symptoms had worsened this morning ( high temperature) and having spent the last couple of nights on an air mattress in the living room decided with beds free at last after house guests had left to retreat to an upstairs bedroom to convalese.
I sent a text message to my brother (who had been staying at mum's too but had left early to prepare a lunch at his house) thanking him for his lovely pressies and suggesting a meet up in due course; to which his response was 'let's not' ! This sharp retort is based I think upon his notion that I am selfish and indulge myself due to my battle with depression.
He will no doubt be dissappointed and I can understand that. I would in a similar situation, if I had been hosting. He has recently moved house and is keen to show it off I think. But what he doesnt appreaciate is that I make a supreme effort on a daily basis and am fearful of withdrawing and not doing what is expected of me. As someone that has experienced clinical depression over 20 years (I'm 43) I have found it difficult sometimes to motivate myself to attend various events/ social gatherings etc.. I have little money and few opportunities to attend things anyway but don't miss very much these days.
I'm not married and without a partner or significant other and by default spend Xmas at my mothers house with Mum. Dad and brother also visit and stayed Xmas Eve and Christmas night. I find it difficult to spend that period with just immediate family, but know that I if I didn't I would be on my own, in my own house.
Mum goes to an awful lot of trouble and it's important to be around those you love, as time is precious and soon runs out ! It's just that I find it so difficult too !
I need to break with tradition next. Year. I love my family but the interaction between a small family group where there are unresolved problems at least as far as I am concerned makes it difficult.
I feel my brother monopolises my parents attention and I feel left out. We are both sensitive and the competition to 'shine' is tangible, whether my brother choose to acknowledge it or not.
Thank you for getting this far, I know this post is excessively long. This forum is such a great way to get all this out of my system.
I wish all subscribers of health unlocked a happy Boxing Day ! And in the words of Dr Fraisier Crane. 'Good Mental Health' for 2015.
Damian