Is it worth it?

[Oddman]

I am 28, and have been going through what I think is depression and bouts with OCD for the entirety of my 20's. I have no social life, no career (although I do have a job), and no partner. In fact, I've never had a girlfriend, or been able to talk to women of my age.

In some ways, I've always felt mentally handicapped - or as if people treat me that way. My parents (who I still live with, at age 28), still treat me like a child in some respects. Sometimes I don't feel like an adult. I don't fit in.

I see couples everywhere, and I wonder what it's all about. Some younger than me even have children of their own. I don't understand why I've remained alone all my life, or why women my age don't seem receptive to me. My interactions with the opposite sex have been very basic, insubstantial and insignificant - no friendly banter, laughing or touching, or anything of the sort.

I am very unsatisfied and bored with life, and I am starting to wonder if there's much point in carrying on. I am getting older, and with it, feeling more and more inadequate. I've been thinking of suicide for a long time, because I see it as a way to escape this life I am living. But what about my family? They will be hurt - perhaps feel betrayed and disappointed in me. Sometimes I distract myself with plans of making a career for myself, but really, I am not in a great position to do that with these thoughts swirling around in my head. I just don't know if there's a way forwards.

Could I write a letter to my family? Would that help, if I were gone? Please don't think I am about to commit suicide, because I am not. It's something that will be carefully considered over the next couple of years. It sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it?

[Stilltrying_]

Hiya, no it does not sound ridiculous. It sounds like you feel in a bit of a hole and stuck and wondering whether you will ever get out. When we feel frustrated and stuck and depressed, in my opinion it is fairly normal to think of death as one way out (as it is) but of course another and far better way is to move out of the hole and move forward. It is often when we doubt whether we can ever do this that we start to have these suicidal ideas.

You are still young enough to find yourself a nice partner and so on. You need

to start gradually by getting some sort of social life and not necessarily just going for the girl. Get some interests things that you want to do and just concentrate on making friends at first. There is plenty of stuff online eg on getselfhelp.co.uk to help you look into what may help you to move on and what is holding you back.

It can be hard to think of anything different from depression when one is stuck but I feel that you need to start somewhere. How about making a list of what your life goals would be if you weren't depressed and then maybe looking at these and thinking of one small step that you could take or one small change you could start to make now.

So for example if a goal is to get married want why not just start by smiling at a girl, not expecting any more, just smiling and then another, not necessarily someone you fancy; i mean just to do something slightly to change things. That too may sound ridiculous but I feel you need to do something that is different and it may start to shift things for you. Hope this helps but please write more if you want or correct things if you feel I have misunderstood. Gemmalouise X

[catmac25]

well it's obvious from your reply that you are a very articulate and intelligent person...I used to feel a bit like you do quite a bit : like I was different from everyone else and it was hard to fit in, relax and chat with people when others found it so easy. Assuming when you meet people that they won't like you etc. I still do feel like that in certain situations but then I discovered so do quite a lot of other people, they just hide it well. ..I don't know what sort of place you are from, but I think you if you are living with your parents and seeing the same people from childhood, it's sometimes hard to escape the childhood perceptions maybe you had of yourself and others had of you and you live up to them.

I agree with Gemmalouise - just starting with small goals like smiling and eye contact, being confident even if just for a few words and getting a nice response will start to make you feel better. It's hard to get stuck into things when you feel low and not interested but going on a course or learning a language does get you meeting people without the social pressures sometimes - there's structure and purpose and maybe people in the same place who are also in the same boat. Good luck anyway, one step at a time.

[Photogeek]

Hi Oddman your Welcome to the site. Now I won't bore you with a long

Boring answer.

Now can I ask if you went to College? Are you Working? The reason I am

Asking this is to see if you are meeting people on a daily basis. If you are

Unemployed and living with parents, that could explain your feeling

Of being alone and different.

Are you living with parents because of finances? I'm quite sure there is nothing

At all wrong with you. People are extroverts or introverts, but you can have

A good life without a partner .

Don't compare yourself to others, you made contact here, so if you want to

Stick with us you will get lots of advice and friendship.

Hannah

[wallflower_fairy in reply to Photogeek]

No Hannah

We both know long comments are my style. wanderingwallflower xx

[wallflower_fairy]

Hi Oddman & welcome,

You're not alone, I've seen lots of post like yours of young men in their 20s in the same position, and I'm sure they're are lots reading this right now who can relate to your post. I think you feel time is slipping away, and you're anxious about the future or where your life's heading, that's normal. And I can see you're in a situation that you don't know how to get yourself out of, and you're considering suicide as one of the few options you have left - it doesn't sound ridiculous. I don't think it's uncommon either, everyone has their doubts. I think you're scared of getting older because you're worried nothing will change in a few years time.

There's really no shame in living at home still - after all, we're in a society, for various reasons, where this is extremely common - e.g. the higher precedence of depression in young people, and a bigger strain on finances. My dad moved back home and was still living with his parents into his late 20s - which is was even less common then than it is now, and it didn't mean things didn't work out. He met my mum in his 30s I think and they got married and had me and my sister. I guess the point I'm trying to make is you meet the right person when you meet the right person and things have a way of falling into place.

I know you simply don't want to wait for things to fall into place and watch your life pass you by. It generally helps to get to know someone if you're more confident. Catmac makes a good point that everyone has their insecurities - so the best way I think doing well in a social situation is remembering this, because it puts you on equal footing with the other person, and you'll automatically carry yourself better and make a better impression. If you're attracted to someone, don't be afraid to smile at them a lot or make more eye contact, start small.

You don't sound mentally handicapped at all, quite the contrary, you sound like someone who's of active mind but have been infantilised or talked down to (and this is what makes you feel you are handicapped, because you're treated like a child even though you know are not a child) by the older generation, as lots of young adults are, when they're living at home and not abiding to old fashioned, dated, expectations that the older generation in your family remember.

It is they who may sometimes be foolish and forgetful, when they criticise in this way, because they might not realise things in our society have changed. Moreover, they remember you when you were once young so they possibly still perceive you that way.

I know you said lots of your friends have moved on, but maybe that's because they have the confidence and don't have to deal with the challenges you've had to face, depression and OCD, we tend to go back to what's safe, and familiar when experiencing conditions like this - moving home and having a serious relationship are big leaps for anyone even when they're healthy - so of course this would explain why you're still living at home. And the reception you get from this is probably impacting on your self esteem and not helping you to improve. It's easier said than done but do not listen to these people, let it be water of a duck's back. They love you, and I'm sure they want what's best for you, but they are not helping you and whatever the situation is, you do not deserve to be put down or treated like a child. You are NOT a child, and how can they fairly expect you to behave like anything otherwise if that's how they're treating you? They can't.

In order to break this cycle, I think you first need to speak to the doctor about your depression and OCD and ask for more help with this, as whatever help you are or aren't receiving clearly is not sufficient. SSRI's are a type of medication that can be used for treating both OCD and depression. Perhaps it would be useful asking for a referral to talking therapies too.

Once you are settled into your treatment then you can look at other ways of making small changes. For example, is there anyone from your job you could invite out for a drink? If there's a certain career you desire you could consider applying for uni - perhaps an Open University course, to get the necessary degree/qualification - by reading your post you sound intelligent so I think that you would be completely capable of this. Or just to meet new people, you could do an evening/vocation course just learning a new hobby and this will give you someone else to focus on. How about, if there's anything available, you could ask for group therapy? That way you certainly wouldn't be judged and you'd meet people who felt the same way and understood. Keep posting. As Hannah says, you're welcome here.

I hope some of this helps,

wanderingwallflower xx