I have my first proper private therapy session tomorrow and it cant come a moment to soon.
Asked my "boyfriend" how his game of poker was going and he just messaged me back straight away at 10pm with an 'erm' so i thought the rest of the message was to follow and i went to sleep, woke up an hour later and had nothing back, so since then i have just been in a massive state of panic, i cant breathe properely, nor can i get back to sleep out of fear i wont hear back tonight (which is VERY unlike him) and so far its happened!!!...ive not heard anything back!! so that leads me on to the thinking what if i dont hear tomorrow, how long will i be waiting to hear off him? how long will i be suffering?? what if thats it now, we are suppose to be going scotland in a few days and so far i have spent a fortune on stuff for the trip. cant believe how content (for me anyway) i normally am and have been, i was asleep at his last night absolutly fine.
its just not like him not to message back.
i hate being this way.
i would of made sure id text him.
i only take my anti depressents once a weke now but i think i might have to start taking them again, i cant cope with this. god i was so 'okay' before all of this, yes i was lonely and felt sorry for myself alot (that ill never meet anyone) but least i didnt have this worry.
I HATE BEING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Written by
Lush__x
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Hey Zoe. I think that last thought is the most prescient - it's not really about the guy is it? It's about your perception of yourself.
At some point you're going to have to reconcile with that, and therapy is a good way of doing that. The anxiety isn't going anywhere until the base problem is fixed.
The 'erm' message by the way probably just meant 'not well'.
Good luck today. Therapy was really helpful to me so I hope it's the same for you
Hi Lush
It's lovely to see you back on the site! It must be difficult for you not having heard from your boyfriend - I would be worried sick too. I do hope you hear that he is safe and well, but it does sound as if he is not very caring towards you as he must have realised you would be worried.
You say you hate being you - I know that feeling as for many years I felt that way - but hopefully therapy will enable you to realise that it is not you that you hate but the people who treat you with such disregard of your needs. You carry that feeling with you from way back and therapy will hopefully enable you to come to understand that and care more for yourself. Then you will choose better relationships.
Hope it goes well tomorrow - if you find you do not work well with the therapist after a couple of sessions then make sure you say so and ask to see someone else as the quality of the relationship is what matters most, once you have3 found a therapist that you work well with and feel can understand you then of course you will go through difficult times in the relationship but that will be part of the therapy process, first you need a good working relationship.
Take care and write again soon to let us know how you get on.
I think saying someone seems not to be very caring based on one thing involving a text is extraordinarily unfair. And actually, as a guy I find saying he should have realised really annoying. Feels like women expecting us to be psychic and know exactly what they want at any given moment.
Zoe, I may be way off beam, but a lot of what you say in your posts generally reminds of myself being very codependent. Part of getting over that for me was not only realising when other people were using me or treating me badly, but also realising that I had unrealistic expectations by expecting others to go out of their way to the extent that I did. I know you said you would have made sure you replied - but that doesn't mean it's fair to expect others to. He can't be at your beckon call all the time. He is still his own person as well as being your boyfriend. In fact relationships where you're in each others back pockets all the time can be quite unhealthy.
In essence I think you are on the ball there, my ex girlfriend would phone me at 4,30 am with her own anxiety problems and I was at that time trying to recouperate from the trauma of a major car accident !( ,im still recouperating 6 months later), but as I said she is now my ex girlfriend.
She lives in surrey and I in Lancashire and distance has not been a great healer , if you see what I mean ?.
I kind of get where Sue's coming from here. Presumably, to be going away to Scotland with this guy, they must be in a fairly serious relationship and must have talked about the difficulties Zoe has with trusting people. Based on that, he could have perhaps been more considerate and made sure he kept in touch. I'm not saying that this is a requirement of all relationships, but sometimes extra 'effort' is needed.
Hi Lush, as you say it would have been much needed therapy session today!
I hope he got in touch in the end. When you said about waiting for his text it felt to me that you were waiting for validation from him. It is like you cannot believe that you are ok just in yourself so have to keep checking with another whether you are.
And how do I know this??? Because I used to do it and still do a little when I get very insecure. I tend to "compartmentise" though and only do it when I am in "that zone". The rest of the time it's like I don't care at all, so I can swing from being really really really bothered whether someone contacts or not, like my life depends on it, to not being bothered at all (which is almost another extreme but I believe is actually "more normal") Though obviously somewhere in the middle is good!!!
Some of it will have a lot to do with sex drive I think though not sure if i'm allowed to mention that, but passion has a lot to do with it in my opinion. My advice? Try and curb passion; it gets in the way of everything!!!! XX (all meant in good humour) But it's true. You just need to control it as it all works against you Xxx
I do think the therapy will help you work yourself out. You remind me of ways that i have been so i am absolutely not judging you in any way. It is the hardest lesson to live for yourself than to live for another and that whole thing never used to make any sense to me, so may not make sense to you now.
I just hope that for now your session went ok, he got in touch and things are a little calmer for you. Pacing, emotional self control ( oh my God how I hate that it is all so slow) are all very hard, but for me have been the only way. It is frustrating yes but seems to reap those long term rewards we need.
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Adult son living in his room, refuses everything
Im never going to manage....
I've been diagnosed with severe depresion but no treatment offered yet. i hate my job, have big finance &health problems but love my family.
