I have a good life. I am mentally and physically healthy. I have the opportunity to study. I have some friends and live in good conditions.
Yet I hate my life. I am not as successful as I want to be, which is hugely because of my laziness. I don't have a girlfriend and never had one. I am not a good person, I don't help as I could and should. But the worst thing is, that I am unable and even more unwilling to act. I don't want to do anything to get out of my misery. I feel like I am trapped in a pit of sadness and dark thoughts, but I am not even trying to get out. I am pathetic, because I rather think about killing myself than overcoming my fears and flaws to become a better person. I know, that I don't have depression, since these thougts only elude me on my darker days, while I live more or less untroubled usually. But I almost wish I had depression, so I would have an excuse for being, what I am. Something I could blame for being like I am.
The truth is though, that I feel worthless, because I am worthless. I am too cowardly and lazy to change and I am too afraid of ending it once and for all. I am just a waste of space and time. I don't know what to do, because I feel like I cannot go on, nor can I go back. I am somewhere, where I don't want to be, and nowehere at all at the same time. I wish I was someone else. I wish I would have never existed. I wish I would just vanish.
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Outis
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It sounds as though you are really feeling down to see yourself as a failure just because you are unable at the moment to take the opportunities that life presents - it doesn't make you a failure but suggests you ARE depressed - and that you need some help for it. If you feel so worthless then you certainly need to talk with someone who can help you to understand where those feelings originate from and enable you to see that they are not realistic but are a sign of you being unhappy. You are stuck and that makes each of us immobile in life. Do speak with your GP and see if firstly you can perhaps have a mild antidepressant and secondly be referred to someone who can assess the kind of talking therapy that will help you to alter your negative self perception and also enable you to begin to make changes to your life by helping you to find the motivation which will provide you with positive feedback.
You say you have the opportunity to study and I wonder whether there is a student counsellor where you are? Also I am wondering whether you have recently moved away from home in order to go to college or Uni and if your depression and inactivity may relate to anything like that. You say you are too cowardly to change and I am not sure where that feeling comes from - what do you mean by too cowardly - what do you fear would happen if you did change, what are you afraid of? You say you wish you never existed and that suggests either you feel you are not of sufficient value to the people in your life - family or friends - or that you don't have anyone to whom you really are significant.
It sounds to me as though you are going through a crisis during which you are in a limbo state - I imagine it is associated with moving from childhood to adulthood and the difficulty for you in negotiating that transition though I may be completely wrong in thinking that - you may be older than I imagine!
Can you write some more about your situation and how you come to be feeling so badly about yourself, then we may be able to offer you more support.
Hi there, of corse having everything you can does not guarantee happiness. When I travelled I met a lot of poor people who had very little materially , yet they were
Very happy.
It's hard to help as I do t know enough about you, your age, where you live
And if the study is something you want, rather than something imposed on you.
If we know a bit about you, we could relate more to you and try and help
Hello, what you describe sounds like you are in a state where you are waiting to take action,but at the moment you feel a bit stuck, in limbo because you are waiting to take that step forward but have some conflict and some fear about it.
I think this is just a temporary state for you but I could be wrong.
If it does start to stick then maybe consider talking things through with someone but I am picking up a strong sense from you that you want to and will move forward from this after this temporary mood state you are going through. Of course you are always welcome to post some more ; and I hope expressing this to us has helped you in the process with it. Gemmalouise X
You sound like you may very well have depression. One of the most debilitating and insidious effects of depression is loss of motivation, which it seems like you have a lot. It's quite common with depression to feel that you can't be bothered doing anything about it, that's what sometimes makes it so hard to deal with. Have you spoken to a GP about whether or not you might have depression?
Depression isn't feeling rubbish every single day. We all have our good days. Not feeling miserable every day doesn't in any way mean you don't have depression.
Where there is life there is hope. It sounds that outwardly you would not come across as this awful person,I believe you do feel it inside almost being tortured.
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I am living in a very stressful house...
Not being understood-or am I just actually crazy?
Am I wrong?
I am mentally ill and can’t control it 
I AM NOT WHAT I THOUGHT I WOULD BE, BUT IT COULD BE WORSE.
