Losing my mind

[Pomyb]

My partner died suddenly nearly 3 years ago I'm still not coping well I'm angry all of a sudden and feel so alone I don't want to be here anymore

[flimsymimsy]

Hi Pomyb sorry to hear about your partner I can imagine how difficult this must be for you. Do you have any support from family or friends? and have you visited your gp to explain how your feeling and maybe put you in touch with someone to help maybe with some counselling to help come to terms with things.

If things are really bad and you feel you don't want to be here anymore have you contacted your crisis team as they are there for support too in times when you feel you are really struggling and are available 24/7. They won't necessarily admit you which I know alot of us fear but can give you coping advice and where to go/turn to, I have contacted them several times and have been a help to me.

Please keep talking to us and hopefully things will get better for you with the right support

[Pomyb in reply to flimsymimsy]

I have a family but I don't like upsetting them they can't cope when I can't cope, I've tried everything in regards to GP even counciling, I've got 3 children also and I feel I'm letting them down. I just don't know what to do to feel better I feel so alone 😢

[flimsymimsy in reply to Pomyb]

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I rely alot on my mum as I don't have anyone else to turn to and I also have 2 young children and feel im letting them down too. In time of need I do feel you need to speak to someone especially someone who is close to you. Do you feel you can totally feel confident and trust a family member and I know you don't like upsetting them which nobody does, but it is also good to know you can have a chat with how things are affecting you.

Why not devise some sort of plan that you can use so when your feeling low and have maybe a box of things so a book you havent read, a good puzzle book, activities you could do with the kids (unsure how old kids are so apologies if there older)maybe a block of favourite chocolate that you can go to help you feel better? favourite dvd etc?

You are not alone and can talk here ,even though at times like this it can feel like it and im sure alot of us can relate. I have also tried alot of counselling but willing to give it another go maybe you could try counselling again and explain the problems you had or what worked or did not work last time you had counselling?

Can you maybe meet up with family and go for a coffee without talking about things if you didnt want to upset them so its a distraction for you? maybe buy some new clothes and treat yourself .

In time things will improve please don't give up x

[Pomyb in reply to flimsymimsy]

My children are 18 14 and 9 they are the only reason I live and breathe I was 37 when my partner died I'll be 40 soon he was 42 when he had a heart attack it came completely out of nowhere no warnings he was fit and healthy! I think I've just by passed all my feelings to the back of my head and not tried to deal with them appropriately. And leaving myself with no coping mechanisms

[flimsymimsy in reply to Pomyb]

So sorry to hear and no wonder your struggling especially as you wasnt prepared. You could contact cruse 0808 808 1677 as they help with bereavement unless you have done so already and they have a website if you google Cruse Bereavement Care who may also be able to help you. They can also support your children too if they are struggling too and keep talking here too.

[Pomyb in reply to flimsymimsy]

Thank you all so much

[mrsmummy]

You are not alone. Look at the replies from people who care. You can also get help here:

healthunlocked.com/depressi...

[Pomyb in reply to mrsmummy]

Thanks

[Pomyb in reply to Pomyb]

I have 3 beautiful children a good job friends and family but yet there is a mighty whole in my heart ❤️ and I feel guilty for feeling this way

[Pomyb]

I'm trying it's so hard to explain the pain

[chloe40]

Hello there Pomyb

Welcome to our friendly Community.

You may not have had the opportunity to grieve for your husband properly because you have children, you may have felt you had to 'be brave' It would be vey helpful for you to have Bereavement Counselling or home visits, where you can open up and talk everything through. You can ring them yourself, just google Bereavement support / groups. I have a Bereavement Forum here on HU and you'd be very welcome to join us there.

healthunlocked.com/bereavem...

The Shaw Mind Foundation also have excellent resources on Depression and Crisis Support, so do check them out.

shawmindfoundation.org/supp...

Warm wishes

Chloe

[Pomyb in reply to chloe40]

Thank you so much

[Olderal]

Hello Pomyb , the last thing you should feel is guilt for feeling down. The loss of a partner,especially when its out of the blue is a very traumatic event, possibly the most traumatic most people experience. Apart from the event itself it usually leaves a big hole in one's social life life and the effect of this can outlast even the great grief you must have felt.

That said it happens to so many and you have to try and move on with your life. They keep telling me at 73 I'm not old, which I don't always believe , but at 40 you really are still young and have plenty of time to build a whole new life. The social contacts you have at work and with family plus your children mean you are far from isolated although I can understand that you can still feel alone. Probably the quickest way to lose this awful feeling is to take up a new hobby or activity. Maybe there is something you could n't do so easily when your partner was alive and you can now take up. Maybe one of your female relatives goes along to a club or society and you could go with her.

Despite what has happened you have done very well and shown great courage in continuing with work through this very bad period. Now is the time to show the same courage in building a new life for yourself which will help in forgetting the bad time you've been through. If only it was as easy to do as to write it, but with children , family , and a good job it will be possible.

Olderal

[Pomyb in reply to Olderal]

Thanks I appreciate your time and support

[Fi68]

Hello Pomyb, please don't feel bad about the way you are feeling, it is totally understandable. I guess there are two things to try and sort, the first is the immediate way you are feeling and how to support you until you can get an appointment with your GP, the second is a bit longer term, what would be helpful for you and where to get the help you need.

So immediately, there are the Samartians 116 123 available 24/7. They are there just to listen, to provide you with a safe space to talk. It is a free number.

You could try to phone your local crisis team and speak to them about what would be helpful over the next couple of days. Don't worry that they will come out and take you away, that very rarely happens and only when you pose a danger to yourself or others, and that only really happens when you are psychotic or lose touch with reality. That you are asking for help and recognise that things are tough indicates that you have a firm grip on reality. Also there is such a bed crisis that it is unlikely that you would be admitted anyway.

The other way to get support is to perhaps text your friends and say things are tough and is it possible to meet up this afternoon, go out for a coffee, meet at a park and go for a walk.

It is really important when feeling like this that you try and break up your day into manageable parts. If you say to yourself, right I am going to phone and get an emergency appointment with the GP on Tuesday, that means you only have the rest of today, tomorrow and Monday to get through. Now I know this can seem a long time, but if you break it up into manageable parts it goes easier.

Now to longer term, when you see the GP ask for a referral for berevement counselling. It doesn't matter if you have had it before. Grief is a process with a number of phases we go through. You just need some help to get you through this on.

You say that you have no coping mechanisms. Well you do, you just aren't giving yourself credit for them. Your partner died 3 years ago, you have coped since then. You are coping now by coming on here and asking for help. You are coping. But remember coping it tiring, and when you have children it is really easy to put their needs first. Over the next few days try and do things that you want to do. Take long bubbly baths, paint your toenails, give your hair a treat using a leave in conditioner. How is that supposed to make me feel better I hear you ask? Well taking care of our bodies when our emotions are difficult is one way of calming them down. It is the old should I try and change my emotions to change my body or should I try and change my body to change my emotions. The answer is they both work, but treating your body nicely with a bit of pampering can make your emotions feel less painful. Plus you deserve to be pampered a bit. I hope some of this helps, we are here to listen and support you. Take care.

Fi.

[Pomyb in reply to Fi68]

Thanks