One year on...

[katie2012]

I joined this forum a year ago but I can’t remember the last time I even logged on here. When things started to improve I found that I kept track of people’s posts and journeys less and less as my own recovery progressed. But here I am, back again!

I have to say things have been going really well for me and I have finished 18 weeks of therapy which I found really useful and I now have a new job – and promotion! – and have generally feeling really positive about things.

But, I am starting to feel a bit empty again, like I’m fighting some subconscious feeling that things are starting to go bad again, I can’t quite explain it but I have started feeling a bit tearful again and have to fight back the tears sometimes at work. I’m not really sure why I feel sad again. I’m also starting to feel very self-conscious about appearance again. I have put on a lot of weight this year due to the fact that I couldn’t make meals and lived on chocolate and crisps during my really bad depression days and I seem to have carried on that habit. I have cut down a lot again though and started to do more exercise which is helping but I can’t help but notice the skinny pretty girls around me when I’m on a night out which then means I feel so uncomfortable that I have to go after a short time.

I was ready for counselling to end and I felt able to manage to emotions and feelings, but now I’m wondering if I should have carried on for a bit longer. I know I can go back, but I don’t know if I’m ready to admit defeat just yet either

I’m really sure what answers (if any!) I’m expecting. I just needed to write it all out! And this forum was a great place for me to share my feelings in the early days.

[ThemysciraDrive]

Hey Katie.

Glad to hear you're feeling that much better

One of the distinguishing features of depression is that the likelihood of contracting it badly increases the more times you've suffered from it - so keep an eye on how you feel and make sure that doesn't happen

And you can take it from a 26-yr old guy that skinny and attractive are not synonymous

[Gambit62]

Would it help to take a step back and just reflect upon some of the things you learnt during your therapy sessions - and do a double check that there aren't any old ways of thinking that you are allowing yourself to slip back into. I presume the session gave you a regular time each week where you could reflect on things - and may be what you need is to build that reflecting time back into your life - not in a maudlin way but just in a conscious way.

Don't let the nagging doubt about slipping back become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[katie2012]

Thanks for both of your replies. I have felt better as the day has gone on and have managed to rationalise things a bit. I'm terrified of being ill (mentally and physically) but I should realise that the more I worry about losing control, the more I actually lose it!! I am trying to stay on top of things and mostly I don't even need to try, but when I'm tired and anxious it's hard not to get that sense of falling. But when I remember how I was 12 months ago I can be proud of the fact that even on my down days now, I have made massive progress. So, onwards and upwards I shall continue!

[Suzie40]

Hi Katie! I haven't seen you for ages!

The beauty of sites like this is that there are no rules and expectations for how often you log in and post. It's here whenever you are. I'm glad you've come back though!

Counselling is such a funny thing. For days after each session I feel so sad. I end up asking myself why on earth I do it to myself. It's like going to the gym. You hate every minute of it, you feel like shit afterwards, but you know in the long term you'll be glad you went. I feel dreadful in the immediate days after counselling, but if I looked at my wellbeing now, compared to before I started going, it's 100 times improved!

In my experience of skinny, pretty girls, they're all air heads! Boobs and brains are definitely the way forward! X

[jules2105]

Hi Katie, its good to see that you've managed to get some counselling, a promotion and that things have been good for a while. The funny thing about depression is that it sometimes comes back for what seems like no reason. Keep talking on here and reflect on what you learnt in your counselling. Don't worry if you feel like you have taken a few steps backwards, the main thing is you have recognised the signs before things get too bad. We're all here for you whenever you need to talk or rant....

Jules x

[katie2012]

Thanks Lucy and Jules - I think the problem as well is that all my friends are skinny so I feel like the odd one out...but I know I either have to do something about it and lose weight or come to accept that it doesn't matter or my social life will be compromised again. But it is good to know that there are people I can rant to.

I have never been good at being patient and I have always thought that it would be easy to get better and once I've recovered everything will be fine. I actually miss counselling, I used to look forward to it every week but I did feel ready to quit, I think again, I just expected it to be easy. But today I feel a lot better than yesterday so I guess that's all that matters. Maybe I need to stop aiming for the long term and think of every day as a small victory.

I hope everyone is OK too

Katie