Scared with no-one to talk to

[reevo79]

Hi,

I’m posting here in the hope of getting some help and to allow me to get my thoughts out.

I’m a 38 year old man who has had mental health problems in the past with depression and suicidal thoughts. I received help and counselling at the time as well as being on medication for a year before making a recovery. I have been well and enjoying life for about 10 years but everything changed this evening.

I came home from work today and my wife(39) dropped the bombshell on me that she is pregnant with our first child. This is an unplanned pregnancy as I have always been against the idea of having children, and my wife has always been accepting and supportive of my choice. Obviously this has come as a complete shock to me and I am really struggling to come to terms with my feelings.

I do not want the baby but my wife is refusing to have a termination so I am now left in a position of having to be a father to a child that I don’t want and will struggle to love. I have tried spending time with young children and babies in the past but it always ends in disaster as I struggle to tolerate them and I normally end up getting angry. The thought of having a screaming baby in my house that I cannot get away from is awful and I worry that I will snap and either end up shouting at the baby, or worse, physically hurting it. This coupled with the financial strain this is going to put on me and my wife, as well as the health risks to my wife and baby due to her age is all too much to bear at the moment.

I have taken the news very badly and I am going out of my mind with worry about what I can do to make things right and happy in my life again. My wife had to pop out earlier on and she came back shortly after to find I had shut myself into an outside building and was laying on the floor in the pitch dark hugging a cushion and crying.

I seems like my happy life has been snatched away from me and now everything is going to change for the worse. I am slipping back towards the dark days of my depression, and I am feeling like I want to end my life again as this seems like the only way to get away from my problems.

I’m sure that to an outsider I probably seem pathetic, and I should “man up” to my responsibilities but at this time I just can’t. My wife is going crazy with worry as she thinks I’m going to do something stupid and hurt myself, or worse. I want to talk to my family about things but my wife doesn’t want me to tell anyone about the pregnancy at this time, so I am alone with my dark feelings.

Someone please come back to me soon as I feel so low right now and I have no one to talk to

[ladeda]

Hi reevo, I am so sorry that your emotions have spiralled out of control and I can imagine that your previous experience of depression must be exasperating the situation. I wish I could say don't worry it will all work out, but one thing that is for certain is that we truly have no idea what is ahead or how you will cope with each situation as it arrives.

What is important is coping with today, then tomorrow. You know you have battled the blackness before and managed to come out the other side, please be brave and fight it again. It's not easy and you will have decisions only you can make in whatever happens in the near future, some maybe totally out of your control and some won't be.

What is important is finding someone qualified to talk these emotions over with, maybe start with your GP? It's such a terrible feeling when you feel you have lost control or that circumstances have robbed you of it. At the moment all your mind is doing is reading into a future that is unknown, something we all seen to think we can do sometimes.

Please focus on the now, try little things to calm those thoughts like breathing exercises, meditation if you've ever tried it, go on the WWW and try anything that might help calm your mind a little so that when you find a good councillor to talk to you will be in a better place to both address your fears and make the best decision for what is going to be right for you.

My heart goes out to you, you can battle this so please try xxx

[Hidden]

Hi great reply from ladeda. I think you are catastrophising things in your mind. Just because you don't like children and have experiences difficulties in relating to them you might well feel differently with your own child. Why not wait until then?

You have recovered from you depression before so you will again. I too think you should seek some counselling. x

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi reevo, both ladeda and lilaclil have given you great advice, and I support what they have said. I realize this is a shock for you...but have you thought how this must be making your wife feel, if as you say she older, and this is unplanned, she must be shocked and worried too! You have obviously faced a lot together in the past, you must now face this new challenge together, she needs you, as much as you need her. It is really important that you both speak to you GP asap about your concerns, and that you get the right professional MH advice to support you. You can get control of your feelings, you have in the past. Try not to let your anxious thoughts get the better of you. Try to calm down, take one step at a time, deep breathe, use mindfulness, get help. Hold on in there you can do this.

[Honey10]

Hi Revoo79, first well done for recoverying and staying well for ten years that shows strength.

All is not so bad, children can be a wonderful gift. You do need to talk to your wife, as having a baby is not one way. There are options, baby could be adopted, this is two person decision. Be strong and start the conversation with your wife, you clearly are strong with ten years of recovery .

Wishing you the strength to keep talking you can and will get through this

[DiiPinkiePie]

Hi Reevo, I'm sorry if I sound hard on you especially since I have struggled through childhood abuse,child n house by 16, daughter being sexually abused and violent partner. I suffer from Chronic Depression, Agrophobia, Anxiety and Borderline personality Disorder aswell as self harming, hospitalised numorous times, overdoses and self hatred.Diabetes, Spyncter of Oddi Dysfunction, NAFLD,& having tests to determine whether Hepetitus! That's one way to start or........

Hya Reevo, Good morning! I'm so sorry to read your letter about your Depression, I DO know how that feels since suffering from it plus plenty of other health problems none of which ,me listing them all would help you with your pains and worries at this moment. I never wanted children,my friends would be all cuchy coo at babies yet I couldn't see what was either cute or needed in having kids! Sleepless nights, finding babysitter to be able to go out,less money to spend on me,na not for me. I wanted a career,a tidy mega beautiful home, designer clothes, holidays,yep that's better!Btw I was only 14! My friend from school confided in me one day that she was pregnant and her parents were giving her the choice between abortion or adoption, she wanted to keep her baby! The little life growing inside of her,part of her, the powerful natural feeling to protect her baby had already kicked in yet her parents said they knew what was best for her n eventually she would realise that when she became an adult.The abortion was arranged n two tablets later n longer than anyone thought it would take, her genes and cells and miracle, her baby that no way could she nor want to forget,was born.This beautiful miracle, full even if of just her love (the guy had already moved on he didn't want to grow up and put another human being before him,why should he! Neither did he want to be reminded of what could have been! the problem was now gone n he had parties and pointless selfish things to be doing,bye to my friend and her tears how easy for him,phew!)was gone just like that!No second thoughts or scan pics.As an adult and just to me she still spoke of the little life she was made to get rid of like a piece of trash.She'd wonder what the little person would look like, what they would have done together and things she would have taught him/her as they both grew side by side.The love she had felt even in such a short time never left her.She couldn't have any more children due to some long word health problem (noone said it was because of the abortion but she blamed herself).He blamed himself even more.Going to the same University they got back together and married.Pip was mentioned from time to time I guess this was a loss/grief that in a way bonded them together.They both had lots of what ifs, holidays on a beach making sand castles and non stop giggling.Both in awe over what would have been Pips first words,first steps,tears that only Daddy could wipe away for his Princess or cheering Pip on whilst playing football for the school.He had often thought what n why had he insisted on the abortion!Everytime all it equals is fear that he wouldn't have been a good enough husband/Dad/role model.Now when it's too late he realises daily that he would have been a fantastic Dad because he was sensitive,a good listener,realised how hard some simple things are, but mostly because of how much love he had had all along for this new life he had helped to create.All this time he has told himself how rubbish, useless and no-one would miss him or need him n Pip needed him to show him how fantastic Pip is, unique,loved n missed every minute of every day.Sadly,Mattey,my friend couldn't cope with her grief no matter what Sid did or told her.She threw herself off a multi storey carpark 5yrs ago she wrote that she hoped it was true n she would finally have her baby that she never wanted to give up.

Sid,reminds me of what you have said in your words.Dont turn your back on ppl that love n need you.The children you mentioned that you have no feeling for aren't your flesh and blood its totally different feeling. If you think you really can't have this baby,part of you, the miracle you have helped to make n needs you even now.Dont make someone do such a massive thing of aborting her baby just cause you don't think you can cope.Stand up n you walk out of the door.At least even though wrong, you won't be taking away her life! I hope you realise how lucky you are n the chance to grab happiness is in front of you and grab it n live the rollercoaster of life.At least there's one thing you can say then I have done my best!n I love you to your family.I had a girl at 15 a house at 16.Hard times but I can't particularly name 1 specific time, I could right a book on the giggles and smiles and laughter and proud times!My daughter n son in law have now given me n my husband a full of life and even more giggles, Granddaughter.Yes ive horrid Mental and health problems but I have tried my best n my daughter tells me how proud she is off me now! X All my thoughts and hopes xxxxxx

[reevo79]

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time and effort to reply to my post, it has meant so much to know that there are people listening and are willing to offer help and advice. Talking therapy helped me a lot when I was previously depressed and it was a massive relief to get my feelings out to others yesterday.

I realised that there were of course two of us involved in this situation and that I also needed to consider how my wife was feeling. We had not met when I was last depressed and I always got the impression she thought that I had exaggerated my previous symptoms. We talked for a long time shortly after my initial posting here and she told me that she had never seen me look quite so ill and down as I did last night, and that she understood now how bad my earlier life must have been. We have agreed that it would be best if I seek further counselling and she has said she will help me every step of the way until I feel good again. Honestly, she is such a brave and strong woman to be able to take on the news of the pregnancy and also deal with a husband who is falling apart in front of her. I am hoping that the simple fact that I will have someone with me this time to help on the harder days means that I can recover quickly and return to a good place in my own head.

We have discussed the baby and after a very long time with a lot of talking, tears and emotions from both of us we have come to a joint decision as to what we feel is best for both of us, as well as the baby. I am not going to say here how we have decided to proceed as I don't think that it needs to concern anyone else, but we are in agreement that our decision is the right one.

Thank you again to everyone for your comments. It really was a huge help to hear from other people offering support and help. I am hoping that this is simply a bump in the road for my mental health and that with professional help I can get through this situation.

xXx

[tofler in reply to reevo79]

I too was a reluctant father when my daughter was born 6 years ago, when I was 43. Since then my life has gone downhill, but that's all my fault and nothing to do with my daughter coming along. Throughout all my difficulties of the last 4 years, it has been my daughter who has taught me incredibly valuable lessons about how to live life and how to cope with depression. She's taught me so much and she doesn't even realise it! Furthermore, having your own children is NOTHING like spending time with other people's children! I hope you and your partner haven't come to a decision which could eat away at your relationship in future, in a similar way that cancer can eat away at our health. Don't rush into a knee-jerk reaction, give yourself some time to adjust to the news about your partner becoming pregnant, it's a big shock at first!

[welly10]

Hi reevo I'm 46 now and the same thing happened to me when I was 40.i lasted 5 years coping then had break down but not because of my daughter but work and the pressure I put on myself arguments with my partner.i was so selfish about my own life and things I thought about your life will change but there is support as you have had the support before.you cannot predict the future as we all know.i did have the same thoughts as you and feelings I even wanted a boy which made me guilty as hell.even now 6 years on its hard to deal with my emotions but I just look at photos of my daughter and my life has more perspective life is scary as you well know try and look at it from different angles.hooe this helps.keep well.

[Sarah1111111 Ambassador]

Your fears seem to be around the possibility of you shouting at or hurting the baby. You still have time to get help for this before the baby arrives. With good counselling and support there is no reason why you would hurt your baby. I know it happens but the fact that you are already thinking about it and willing to see a therapist shows that you are self aware. You will be able to learn techniques to keep yourself calm and manage any emotions you feel around the baby crying. Like the others say you have overcome depression once befre and this time you have a supportive wife who soundsl like she will stand by you as you go through counselling to recover again. Keep strong and think positive. Having children is not a possibility for everyone, they are hard work but worth it in the end.