New Job and Feeling Out of Place and Depressed Already.

[Catharsis]

Hello all. I haven't posted here for a while. I've had a very turbulent year. I'm the one who had a psychotic episode in January this year, and I was posting strange messages on here because my reality was warped. I worry that a lot of people will think that my psychosis was drug induced, when it was unexpected and unexplainable. The psychosis has left me unable to exert myself too much, being on antipsychotics. Now I feel completely flat, although I smile and laugh and try to elevate my voice, I feel like the energy levels are not the same as they were. I had a spell of depression which lasted a month in about June. Now I think I have a mild, nagging depression which won't go away.

The thing is that I have now started a new job at a primary school as a learning support assistant. Today was my second day. I took the job because I believe that I am capable. But I am starting to feel incredibly worried and very stressed because I have so much to learn at this new school, and I haven't worked in a school before.

Even though I have worked with my younger cousins I am concerned that I am out of my depth because I constantly feel tired, as though my brain has done a million reps of weight lifting. I lack confidence and I fear that I will never gain any at this school. All the other staff are, of course, confident and at ease in this environment, having worked there for years. And here I am, struggling away.

It's only day two. Although I really want to stick it out, I feel anxious and in a low mood. I keep worrying that my face is showing how I feel, and I am constantly tired.

They are expecting me to teach phonics to a group of about 7 children and record how they get on with each letter sound. I lack the confidence to deliver the session. I guess what I'm saying is that the job is so much more difficult than I expected it to be.

I'm not sure if I am asking for advice or not. I'm just reaching a moment where I am treading water. I really don't want to sink.

Thanks for reading.

[Gambit62]

Starting any new job is really difficult, particularly if it is an environment that you haven't been in before.

Do you have a mentor who is helping you through your induction period? or could you ask for one?

It doesn't sound to me as if you are feeling rather overwhelmed by how new and different everything is and that is perfectly natural. 2 days in really does sound a bit early to be being thrown in the deep end and expected to do things on your own and teaching phonics 2 days in to a class of 7 sounds really daunting to me so can understand how you are feeling. There should be someone who is helping you through for the next few months - inductions should last at least a couple of months and people there should recognise that.

[Catharsis]

Hi Gambit62, thanks a lot for your reply. I really appreciate it.

Yes I do have someone helping me through the induction process. She is very approachable so I am grateful for her support. It's just that she is taking the morning off tomorrow and so needs me to step up and cover for her group. I have shadowed her over the last two days, so I have seen her deliver phonics lessons. But of course becoming the teaching assistant is a lot more difficult in practice.

The phonics lesson should last about 20 - 25 minutes. So it isn't very long. I do have all of the resources at hand, and the other support assistant did explain what I need to do. But I do feel very out of my depth because the children aren't used to me yet, and I keep trying to maintain my enthusiasm. I find that the greatest challenge. I just wish that I could have the energy levels that I used to. That would give me the confidence and conviction...it's a big struggle at the moment.

I did contemplate antidepressants, but I am reluctant to take any additional medications on top of the antipsychotics. I am just unsure whether this feeling will ever go away. It is horrible.

I will post on here and try to let you know how things go. Thank you for reading.

Catharsis.

[Hidden]

Hi starting a new job is extremely stressful and I think you are doing fine so far. Don't forget they wouldn't have hired you unless they thought you could do the job. I am sure you can. It's just that when everything is so new it is tiring as you have so much to learn . Of course the others are at their ease - you will be too when you have been there a bit longer. Just get stuck in and before you know it you will feel very much a part of it. As far as the class goes I think it's a bit much shoving you in the deep end so quickly. I would ask for help with it. You can get away with that at the moment being a new girl. Good luck with it all. Let us know how you get on.

|Bev x

[Photogeek]

Hi there

Starting a new job if your well is daunting and tiring , whereas returning to

Work having been ill plus new job would be much more stressful. Give yourself

A chance. I would say just do your best and dont worry too much about

The children, they are resilient .If you know what I mean.

It seems to me that you have lost your confidence a bit, but if you can manage

To muddle through it will come back. Ask your mentor if you feel you need

Help and just take it day by day Just don't give up yet as it's too early to

Decide .

Then later if you still felt the job was too much for you , you could

Review the situation and do what's best for your mental health

Best of luck and take care of yourself.

Hannah

[Jeffju]

Most jobs are very strange when you first start. Finding your way around , fitting in with the classroom structure and lots of new people, names to learn.... anxious times.

I am a teacher aide to a developmentally delayed girl and it took me a while to settle into this too. My mental health was quite bad when I started in February.

Now, I love my job and work with very nice people who have helped me regain my confidence. I have a reason to get up in the morning and young girl who needs me.

Try and stay there for a while and I am sure you will begin to feel more comfortable. It's early days yet so don't be discouraged. Good luck. Julie xx

[Hidden]

Hi

Welcome back and well done for overcoming a psychotic episode which is difficult enough so do stop beating yourself up! You are doing incredibly well and I can only agree with all the other replies - starting a new job is highly stressful so of course you feel inadequate, stressed and tired all the time. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Do you have any after care? If not then do use the website for support and we will all offer whatever care we can.

Suexx

[Suzie40]

What phonics scheme do they use?

[fadedlizard]

Hi Catharsis,

I hope you're hanging in there.

You have done so well to get yourself back on yr feet. It takes a long time to get over any MH episode, let alone a psychotic one. I had a sudden, short manic episode 2.5 yrs ago followed by this awful blanket of depression that varies in intensity but never goes away and somedays living and working around it is a real struggle. I really sympathise when you say you still don't feel like yourself.

Also you have just begun a very demanding job. It is a lot harder than it looks. Believe me, I know. We do the same job!!! It took me a while to get my head around all the info that comes with it and to get to know the kids. Try to stick with it as it does suddenly click and you'll be half way through a session and you'll realise not only do you know exactly what you're doing you know exactly what the kids are doing too. It's a fantastic rewarding and engaging job and I am more well at work where my mind is totally absorbed in the work at hand than I am anywhere else.

As yr confidence grows you will relax and the social side with yr colleagues will click in too.

I think you've done so well to come this far

Love and Best Wishes

Lizard.x

[Catharsis]

Hi all, I just wanted to quickly say thanks so much for all the replies! It really does make all the difference to have support from you all. You are all so kind and thoughtful.

The first week was exhausting! I am almost sure that at some points during the week I was a little bit slow to do simple tasks, but I am slowly getting used to the school. I was very lucky last week because the other learning support assistant was able to assist me in the phonics lesson. I'm not entirely sure about what the technique is, because I'm new...but we were working on each letter sound. We also looked at which word sounded different to the other. So we had "cat" "hat" and "pin" and the odd one out would be "pin".

I still do feel out of place. And I have to work on my tone of voice when I give positive reinforcement to the children. The child that I am working with doesn't cooperate with me, and I have to remember not to take it personally. She is very very stubborn. And it takes all my energy to convince her to do the work. It does make me feel low when she refuses to work, and we have targets to meet, which is really starting to worry me. But all I can do is to try my best.

Thank you all so much. I will keep you posted on how I progress.