Depression and loneliness....

[SOSPLEASE]

I have friends and people who love me, no family but well a lot of folks don't have family but the loneliness, in my heart in my soul is dragging me down, and I pull up and get out and it comes again. I get really lonely on the weekends when I have too much time to think, I have a boy age 13 and up until now in his lifetime I have held myself together. In fact I have done a bloody good job but I feel myself breaking and I am scared, I try and do things to pull myself up and I feel defeated. Does any body else have any experiences with dealing with this and having kids? Can anyone give me some advice how to handle the situation? I cannot hide my depression from him anymore, he is gotten too old and he can see it, I don't know how to handle this at all and I don't want to damage him the way my parents damaged me.

[Hidden]

Hi,

I can identify with some of what you have written from similar feelings some time ago in my past and think you would find it useful to see a psychodynamic psychotherapist if you can afford to see one privately - if not then you might ask your GP to refer you for counselling as that would also help. The other thing I would recommend is to be honest with your son, to tell him you have always struggled with feeling really lonely and now want to do something about it so that you can help to go through adolescence and make his own separate life as an adult. We often think it best to keep negative feelings away from children but it is pointless to do that as they pick them up anyway and wonder if it is due to them. Hearing your son say you carry the loneliness with you will be helpful to him.

Do you have any idea where the loneliness comes from? If so then you might write about that here as many of us bring similar feelings and would be able to support you. It is scary having breakdown feelings but if you are supported through them you may find you feel better than ever before as you will no longer have to hide how you feel.

Suexx

[SOSPLEASE in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Sue, I am seeing a psychotherapist, I have for some time actually over 10 years. the loneliness comes from being abandon by both my parents one at 2 and one at 10, I grew up in foster care many different homes, and the loneliness comes from this I think, not feeling loved or supported, left and shattered. I was always a very sensitive child and remember feeling loneliness as a child, I never felt I fit in I guess, I have always felt damaged and tainted by the fact that I was abandoned perhaps I even felt and still feel unloved and unfortunately as an adult I can rationalize these feelings and understand them but I can't seem to completely conquer them, and I fear the hole, as I call it, cannot be filled as, well it's what we get from our parents I guess that feeling of being okay and everything is going to be okay and it's something I never had.....and to reach these deep feelings scares me so much cause I think I will be unable to control them. I know that I am an adult now but these feelings held inside are really painful and make me feel isolated and lonely....thanks for your advice about my son, I did tell him today that I was going through a sad period and felt quite lonely and it had nothing to do with him, it was my feelings that I was trying to solve and ask him not to worry that I would work it out...he said we were family and I should tell him when I am sad and well I took him in my arms and said thank you. I had hoped I would never get depressed when he was around and I haven't had this type of relapse since before he was born. I am also divorced now and so I have to deal all the time. My ex moved away so I don't have any support on a routine basis except in Summer when he goes to his Dad for a few weeks....The truth is I worry a lot that my son will feel the same as me as a child but I have worked through this and realize that he has had a stable life and I have provided it and that makes me proud of both of us. Funny when I got pregnant it was my worse nightmare to be divorced and alone and well my ex husband unfortunately didn't keep up his end of the marriage or child raising and it's been tough going, and although I have managed I get real lonely especially on the weekends....Susan

[Hidden in reply to SOSPLEASE]

Hi Susan

Although I didn't grow up in Care I do share many of the feelings you experienced from childhood. I didn't realise you are already in therapy, I have also had many years of therapy and am a trained therapist myself and still feel incredibly lonely, look back on my childhood and felt isolated within my family of origin and have had few friends at any time in my life although often people seem to like me. It is incredibly sad I agree. I used to draw pictures of myself as a container, a bottle, with a hole in the bottom so that whatever I took in just ran out again. My guess is that you are becoming depressed again now because of an accumulation of things including the age of your son and the fact that he will need to leave you happily in order to grow up healthily which you want him to do - my children both live thousands of miles away and although we are close I sometimes feel angry or sad that some people have their family around them, their children and grandchildren, whereas I will probably only see grandchildren once they are born maybe once or twice in their lives. Like you I feel incredibly sad about it all. I think grief is the right word, though I don't know whether that applies to you too. All we can do is accept reality, there is no way of making the past different and coping with the memories and lack of them, and feelings of loneliness makes it difficult to really enjoy life at times. I don't know whether the same is true for you but I can experience joy at times yet still feel deeply unhappy and lonely, as if there is a need that has never been met and never can be. It IS sad. I am glad you talk to your son about how you feel, it sounds as if he wants to make you better and that is lovely, and as long as you know he can't but can tolerate that without him feeling guilty then that is much better for him that hiding how you feel. It will make him more sensitive and understanding towards a partner when he is an adult too.

In terms of your life now, I don't know whether you have friends you can talk to openly about how you feel at times? I have one very close friend with whom I can be absolutely honest about almost everything, I guess the only thing I have not shared with anyone really is just how much anger and bitterness I have felt at times - I have talked about anger but never really the extent of the feelings which at times turn to hatred although I never actually would do harm to others or myself. It is just so hard to drop back always into feeling so lonely and so difficult to make enough good friends.

Suexx

[SOSPLEASE in reply to Hidden]

Sue Thank you for your words, it helps to know that other people also feel this way sometimes. I have shared my feelings and do share them sometimes with my close friends who accept me as I am. It is really hard for other people to begin to understand about my childhood it was pretty bleak but my close friends try and make me feel that I am not alone, and the thing is they are wonderful and sometimes I can accept their love but not all the time as I have a lot of shame and feel guilty for my feelings, I tend to apologize for needing someone and asking for their help but through my illness I have been able to reach out more and ask even if I feel uncomfortable. The feeling of being the third wheel has haunted my life, and many people who know me have told me I have to get over that cause no one else can do it for me. I feel lonely and then guilty when I am helped out, as I don't want to impose and feel like that little girl who doesn't fit in or have a family, it has always embarrassed me as I feel " damaged" and don't want to be pitied I want to be seen as whole.....but I have to accept me too and I haven't gotten that far although I have moved miles ahead and my self esteem has changed from 0 to 5 over the last few years. I know I have to confront these old pains and its like going into a dark cave and it's scary. I am hoping to go into a mental health course for a few weeks to learn strategies for my feelings but my insurance hasn't approved the plan yet. I really appreciate your writing me and would love to write more but I need to go to bed as I must get to work tomorrow, please feel free to write back and I will answer tomorrow and thank you Susan

[Gambit62]

I don't have children of my own but as my niece has grown up she's known that, even though we don't see each other very often, that there are periods when I get very down. I've always tried to be very honest with her and clear that it isn't really about the people around me so much as something in me - in part because there is a bit of me that is worried about the genetics - I'm sure my father was an undiagnosed depressive - though I don't think she inherited those genes from what I can see. I think it is important that people around you and close to you really understand that it is something about you and not something that they or anyone else around has done - and probably something that neither they nor those around you can solve - you will come through the other side and it's just a case of being there and putting one foot in front of the other until that happens.

If your son is old enough to start noticing that there is something wrong then he is probably old enough to start understanding some of it. We fear things that we don't understand, or that are presented as taboos that can't be discussed.

[SOSPLEASE in reply to Gambit62]

Dear Gambit, I know your right and I am trying to explain it to him gently, I am his main source of family and I am just scared of letting him see me weak, I did share with him today that I was feeling sad and it had nothing to do with him but the fact that I had something to work out inside he was positive in his response and said I could tell him these things cause he was my family. He a wonderful boy and I try not to put my problems on him as my Mother did that to me and I was abandon as a young girl by both my parents, that's why it's hard for me to tell him anything I fear I might upset him, but well the cat's out of the bag and I need to be honest but in a child friendly way which is something I am doing slowly...thanks for your replies and advice I really appreciate it and look forward to your poetry you write beautifully Susan

[Hidden in reply to SOSPLEASE]

You know, he does need to see you weak at times so that he can allow himself to feel weak sometimes and know that's okay too. xxx