Why do some family members see it as they are helping with a situation but only making it worse

[tobydog4]

I`m suffering with depression, was early stages a couple of years ago, due to a car accident, not to serious though, so has built up over the time, I had a partner of 2 years and i was very much in love with him, still am. But as things went on between some family members has caused things to go from bad to worse. My partner and i just stayed as friends and was enjoying our time together. But now my partner is now my ex and it has broke my heart, he said " he cannot live where people are being so controlling over me and trying to run my life for me saying who i can see and cant. They think that he is to blame for all this. But i am to blame as well. Now my ex is with someone but still wants me in his life, I have tried so hard to get him out my life that i was getting addicted to pain killers ( Tramadol ) to help with the pain, My ex says he doesnt love me but wont let me walk away. All this and my family dont understand why i just cry sometimes and trying to explain i am depressed. My daughter told me to get over it when we was arguing over the way i am. I dont no which way to turn or who to go to, At the minuet i dont want to self arm or kill myself, i just want it to stop hurting me like it is. I have no one to talk and just finding every day so hard to deal with, all i want to so is sleep.

[Suzie40]

Hi there

I'm sure no one in your family is deliberately trying to come between you and your ex, and it almost seems as though he has been trying to make you choose between him and them. That said, you have a right to work things through with him without your family interfering. Have you tried talking to everyone about how you are feeling?

I don't think ex's as friends ever works to be honest. And I think if your ex is being honest when he says he doesn't love you, he needs to do the right thing and leave you alone.

Perhaps a good sleep is exactly what you need tonight and see how things are in the morning? Take care xx

[Hidden]

Hi

It seems control and being controlled are ongoing issues in your life - with your family, with your ex, and with the pain which controls how you are feeling and presumably by doing that controls how you are able to live your life. It is all so sad.

I think you explained some of what goes on when you said your family don't understand why you cry sometimes and I wonder whether not feeling your pain is understood is an ongoing issue for you and whether it has been so for a long time, perhaps since childhood. Everyone seems to be telling everyone else what to do and thinks they know best what you should do, but you are the only one who can know how you are feeling.

You seem stuck in a situation where you no longer know what YOU think and feel. Do you think your family are controlling of you? if so, then I wonder why you allow them to go on controlling your thoughts and feelings. In your situation I would be extremely angry. I wonder whether you have difficulty in moving out of the victim role and seeing how you contribute to perpetuating the situation by not asserting yourself. You are not answerable to your family, nor to your daughter and certainly not to your ex who no longer has any right to expect to know you and make assertions about your family or your life!

It sounds as though your self-esteem is low and that you would benefit from some support whilst you come to terms with what YOU think and feel and what you want from your life. Your daughter will benefit from seeing you find a way to break free from such a destructive and damaging family pattern of over-involvement and if she does not there is every likelihood that she will continue the pattern and take it into her own relationships in adulthood.

Your GP could refer you for counselling, alternately you could ask to be referred for psychotherapy or seek help privately.

Suexx