Yesterday after struggling with issues over the last year and a half I made an effort to end my life. It obviously didn't work and just ended up being sick instead. I wrote out a note and some instructions, I wasn't sure it would work but just in case.
A few people might remember me posting several months ago about splitting up with a partner after an abortion. Well after countless psychotherapy sessions, a stay at a respite centre, pills and the lot I'm down to this. I still can't get over losing my ex and the fact she's now with someone else, I keep getting reminders everywhere I go, like someone called into a radio station with her first name and where she was from was her surname, or I see his name on trucks, even worse I was looking on the job-boards and one company was a combo of hers and his last name! Of all the variations..?
Plus I just recently found out that an ex before her lied about having being pregnant and having an abortion and also a miscarriage. Supposedly down to PTSD but I don't buy it certainly not twice. On one hand that's a weight off but too late for anything. I had made a decision to leave this woman and told her, five minutes later she calls back and says she's pregnant, insisting she's 100% pregnant and I didn't want it but she blackmailed me into staying with her and then six months later did have an abortion. Something that never would have happened had I left her. Obviously I have totally cut this person out of my life permanently. The problem was the stress of that and the guilt I felt was all for nothing, causing me much pain and affecting my work and career. I even left a good company once to sort my personal life out with her, something I should have never had to do and have struggled since to find a job on that level.
So now I find out all this never happened, I'm now stuck with the realisation of the type of person I was with and as one counsellor said, it's no wonder you can't sort work and your head out with all that going on. She beat me about the head with something that never happened for several years - even THIS year!? And with feeling so emasculated and a lessening of pride, I lost confidence, took shit jobs below what I'd achieved and eventually had inadequate means to support a new family. Really at my age I should have been on decent money and quite a senior position had I stayed there, but thanks to her I left. Now I can't seem to get anything, I've been for about a dozen interviews over the last couple of months and got nothing, I get a bit of part-time work but not consistently and I doubt I've got the confidence left to do much anyway. Every day without fail I think about her and what happened, I have spoken to her recently - she's decent to me and things haven't affected her as much as me but I just don't feel I can replace her. I seem to get one shot at everything and if I mess up that's the end of it.
Really don't know what to do, I don't want to live but I love my family and they are decent people - if they were bastards I'd certainly do it