Whats the point anymore........

Hi I write this with tears in my eyes and a sense of total loss, I was married for 22 years and have one son, she walked out on us 3 years ago and I got into a relationship with another lady about 10 months after, she ended this in Aug this year, she had four kids and lived 60 miles away from me and this just put a strain on everything she said she would never leave me but she did so another failed relationship, I miss her and dont know what to do I feel like just ending it all, I am suffering from depression and just can't seem to find a purpose in my life, everyday I have to put on a fake smile and pretend its all OK, go to work and put on this great act that nothing is wrong.

Today i am working from home and just feel like I wish I could sleep and never wake up again, why is life so painful why does it punish us so much :-<

42 Replies

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  • I do understand. You can do this. Do you see your son? I lost my partner from cancer from four and a half months ago. It's tough but I seek out help. Please see the pinned posts to the right.

  • my son lives with me, his mum walked out on him also :-<

  • Hello digginsa, You sound very low in mood and I just want to say that please do not be so hard on yourself. Although your second recent relationship has now finished, I am sure that ye both shared some happy times and memories together. It can be difficult and puts a strain on any relationship where travelling has to be undertaken . So try not to blame yourself if things did not go as you would have liked and hoped for. You must keep yourself safe at all times, that is really important and in time you will learn to value yourself again and to love yourself for the person you are. Look to the pinned posts to the right side of your screen, where under the heading......Crisis Support Helplines you will find some very useful information. Also, if you feel that you could hurt yourself in any way, please contact the Samaritans for advice and non judgemental empathic support. Their helpline is open 24 hours a day every day 365 days a year.

    Freephone....................116 123

    email .............................email...jo@samaritans.org ..........or visit them at your nearest branch.

    samaritans.org

    You have said that you are feeling depressed and I wonder have you had that diagnosis from your GP or other mental health Professional. It may be a good idea to make an appointment to see your GP and explain how you are feeling and that you are feeling low and a failure. A combination of medication and counselling may help, so it may be worth having a chat with your doctor.

    Diall ............999 for emergency help and support

    Diall..............NHS 111 for non emergency help and support.

    You have been through a lot recently so I really hope that things will improve for you and hope you can keep contact with your son. Please do take very good care of yourself, everyone is worthwhile and important so I hope your doctor can help, as time also is a good healer. Let us know how you are doing and keep replying to your very supportive friends on this community, kindest regards

  • It sounds like she wasn't worth it to me and you deserve better,please stay strong for yours and your sons sake

  • Sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time and are feeling so very low. It's hard when relationships end and we're single and feeling very lonely. I'm in a similar position myself, divorced, single, lonely and trying to cope with a full time job and putting on a front to everybody so that it looks like I'm doing ok. In relation to the relationship that ended recently in August, I'm guessing that you met her via online dating? It must be very difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who lives 60 miles away and has 4 kids? That's a lot of additional pressure to put on a new relationship. Do you think you've finished grieving for the loss of a marriage that lasted for 22 years, or did getting involved in a new relationship help to reduce some of that pain? Losing long term relationships is very difficult and painful but it will gradually get easier but it takes time (and I bet you're sick of hearing people say that to you?!). Keep posting and let us know how you're doing, it's worse when we have to deal with this stuff on our own. I've been single for a few years now and still have some very dark days but I guess that's part of living with depression, but I don't have as many dark days as I used to so I know that each dark day(s) is eventually followed by a better day.

  • Thank you all for the replies, to answer some of the questions, my son lives with me his mum really does not want to be a mum to him and I have to be mum and dad, I got into the recent relationship that ended in Aug quite soon after my 22 year marriage, yes it helped and I know many people will say well there you go that's why it's gone wrong, the four kids and the distance as well as the lady I was dating having issues and being on benefits ( not her fault ) it was a strain. But I am the kinda person who just wants to help and make things better and share, she loved this until recently when she said she can't be who I want her to be and I can do better, this has floored me and I now question myself and find myself feeling ugly on the inside, I know that time will help I just question do I have the strength in me to ride this storm 😢😪

  • I haven't been with anyone that long but my fear is that I never will. Men don't seem to stick around for very long in my experience. I believe relationships are a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation nowadays. I feel like if I meet someone and it lasts a long time and we experience life together and it's all great even with its flaws, that relationship will then come to an end. Most likely because he'll get bored or he'll cheat on me or his issues will be too great to actually carry on with a long-term relationship. I say he will be the one to end it because that's what always happens, I've never ended a relationship myself. If this hypothetical guy moves in with me and lives here for 3 years, he is then entitled to half of my flat and it would be just my luck to lose the flat and my independence as well as the man. You don't actually have to be married or in a very long term relationship for your partner to have a right to your investments. My parent's friend was given £35,000 to put down on a mortgage by his pwn parents. He was with a girl for 7 years and she lived with him for the last 3. He had to sell his house and give her half of the £35,000 when she decided she no longer wanted to be with him. Because after all, while she was living there she was helping him make those mortgage payments therefore she was entitled to something back. And put it this way, without explaining how I got my mortgage, if that happened to me I would have to move back in with my parents and it would be a long time before I could afford another mortgage.

    So, there are 2 choices really: meet someone and have that brilliant time for however long it lasts and then potentially have everything taken from me (unless he's good enough not to take everything - my flat as well as my heart), or I stay single. I don't know which is more depressing. As you can tell, I don't really have faith in relationships now. The divorce rate (as stated in Bridget Jones' Diary) was 1 in 3. But I'm willing to bet it' more than that now. And that's just the full divorces, not incl annulments and separations.

    We're our own worst enemy - we need company as we're social animals and yet we just can't stand each other.

  • There are things you can do to make sure your flat is secure and you don't have to give anything away, I am in the same boat my house is in my name the only way I would lose it is if I marry again which I would never do, although that's the last thing on my mind at the moment can't even get a lady to stay with me, I am the one who is always dumped and it hurts, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone and I just want it to go

  • I know how that feels, trust me I know. I wouldn't wish it on anyone either. My ex moved on so easily and is with someone else. He met her when I was still in love with him and it was like a kick to the stomach when he told me.

    I'm used to men walking away and not even trying, so I know how that feels too. We all make things harder for each other

  • Not all men are the same so sorry to hear what your ex did, my ex wife had done that to me, this last relationship she's not left me for another guy which is one positive but more we don't match in certain areas, her having four kids, living 60 miles away ( the list is long ) but it still hurts and I have a huge void in my life now and just hate it 😪

  • I know but I think the vast majority of millenials are so lost and that's why it's all going so wrong with relationships, among other things.

    60 miles is quite a way to travel. If she had the money to do it, it would instead be a time constraint as she'd be working.

    I know the feeling of The Void. Even when I started to feel better about my ex there was still a void which is quite distressing. I think it's just because we're social animals, like I said before. So naturally we don't do so well when we left to go it alone. Usually that void can't be filled by family or friends or distractions because it's a very specific void that needs to be filled by a romantic relationship.

  • I only saw her at weekends, she didn't work she was on benefits, I helped her pass her driving test and brought her a car, but it was not enough she said I could do better and that she was not good enough for me 😪

  • Yeah I've heard that line before, my ex said it. Then 6 months later he was with someone else. It's an easy out when you want to break up with someone I guess. I think it can help to alleviate the guilt for the one doing the dumping but if I hear that line again I won't believe it

  • I know how you feel about wanting to sleep forever. Some mornings I wake up and think, that was an amazing dream and why did I have to wake up? I'd be happy to live in my dreams for the rest of my life.

    You can't do that though because you have your son. So at least one good thing came out of that marriage. One step at a time. You were lucky to meet someone else so soon after she left. It's not easy to meet someone new in this world of technology. It makes everything so complicated. I'm confident you will meet someone else :)

  • Aww thank you your very kind I wish I had your confidence in me, I just fear I am undateable now and that this second relationship was my second chance and that's it now, the world of swap right on an app does not really fit into how I want to meet someone

  • Me neither. I still imagine that I'll meet someone the way they do in the movies, like talking to someone behind me in the queue or bumping into someone. But everyone is consumed with the world of their iPhone. Typing a message to someone on a dating site rather than actually having a conversation.

    Tinder is very superficial - you swipe for whether they're attractive or not, I just think it's horrible and it's what this society has come down to. Ok, we can't be attracted to everyone we meet but do we really have to judge them from a picture without even checking out their profile? It just seems arbitrary and unfair.

    I think I'd have to go on a dating site to meet someone but it's a known fact that there are a lot of bad people on them so my guard would have to be up for sure.

  • You seem like a lovely lady I am sure you would find a date, I do think it's easier for ladies to get dates than guys, but yes have your guard up and make sure you stay safe, you would learn to weed out the bad ones.

  • Aw thanks :). Yeah I'm just a bit negative at the moment but that's just because life isn't going my way and I'm in a rut. Ruts are the times when you reflect too much and build things up in your head.

    Yes I will be safe if I ever do get around to using a dating site

  • I know the negative feeling all to well that's what's happened when I first posted I just feel stuck and feel I can't do this anymore, I feel ugly inside and out and old ready for the scrap heap

  • I think we're only as old as we feel. I admitted to my CBT therapist that this year I have felt so much older than I actually am. I had no energy. It turns out I had mental exhaustion due to my job and I was too haggard to actually see out my 4 weeks notice so they let me leave straight away otherwise I would have phoned in sick the rest of the time. I left 4 weeks ago and I have slept a hell of a lot since - like 10-11 hours every night and am feeling less like a zombie now.

    I feel unattractive too. The thing is I was diagnosed with endometriosis this year. It can cause my stomach to get so bloated that I look pregnant and it causes pain and discomfort. I want to look like I did before, with a flat stomach. I noticed a really small stretch mark on my stomach yesterday and immediately felt sad, imagining that this will only get worse. I wish I didn't have it and I wish it didn't make me hate my body.

    There are parts of my body I still like but overall my stomach is really making me negative about myself.

    I think everyone hates some things abut themselves. But why do you feel ugly inside?

  • A small stretch mark is nothing to worry about, have you had children? My last partner had them it's just one of those things try to be kind to yourself, I feel ugly on the inside because I gave so much in that relationship and it was not enough I felt guilty for having more than her I work hard and earn my money but she made me feel sad about that saying all she wanted was love, easy to say but when I gave her money because she has none and couldn't get her kids through xmas so I helped , just having love would not have been enough 😪

  • Nope no children. I'm worried a man will never want me because of the endometriosis. I have pains and discomfort and sometimes IBS issues and I worry it'll put the next guy off.

    It's amazing that you helped her. But did you think that maybe she felt less than adequate because she couldn't get her kids what they wanted and needed financial help? Pride is a strong emotion.

    I know what you mean about giving everything. I gave my heart and all my efforts to James and it wasn't enough. I tried to help him with his own mental health and fell completely in love with him. I asked him why I wasn't enough while this new girl is and he said it wasn't because of me. But again he was just alleviating his guilt I think.

  • She did at first but very quickly got into the habit of expecting me to pay which had the knock on effect of making me feel bad if that make sense, If one guy loved you and there are 7.8 billion people on this planet then another guy would x

  • He didn't love me back. He said he's incapable of feeling love. Ah yeah, I don't like taking money as it creates an inequality. I like it to be 50/50 all the way. Best way to be so you don't owe anything :)

  • You sound lovely like I said and have the right morals, sometimes the people we are with can grow out of love that is the sad truth of today

  • Yeah, I think it's just the way things are now, as sad as it is

  • I agree, to much sadness in the world and unfortunately I am adding to it with mine

  • Hi i have been in your situation all i can say is it does get better. take each day has it comes remember you have to be strong for your son. you should take a new course up or join a club, please dont ever give up. there is light at the end of the tunnel.

  • Thank you, it's so hard and I am on my own again this evening as my son has just gone to bed, the thoughts in my mind drive me crazy and all I look forward to is sleep 😪

  • I under stand what your going thru I been thou something similar I was also thinking what's the the point in the end I went to see my doctor and was put on anti depressants and feel much better now also spoke to close family about the way I was feeling which was hard for me this site was great help also try to look after yourself things will get better in time take care Oscar

  • Hey I understand it's hard when a relationship breaks down but look at the positives- you have a beautiful son so you are not alone! 22 years is a long time to build a life and then watch it fall apart but it's not the end of the world. After every ending, there is a new beginning- you dipped your toe in the water with another relationship that didn't work out but that doesn't mean that every relationship will be the same. Firstly be kind and honest with yourself. Figure out who you are and what you want from life. Maybe you need to find yourself again after such a long relationship- spending time alone doesn't make you a failure, sometimes solitude brings clarity. Don't settle for second best and date people who don't match your needs and wants just because you lack the confidence to reach out for a true match. My advice to you is to take time out from relationships and heal yourself before starting another relationship. Enjoy time with your son. Enjoy spending time with friends and making new ones. Every day when you wake up, it is the opportunity to create a new life for yourself- grasp it with both hands and make small changes every day to move towards the life you dream of and they will make a big difference in the long run. Each and every one of us is unique and beautiful in our own way and all deserving of love and happiness. What you see as a flaw in yourself, somebody else might see as a quality. Be kinder to yourself, give yourself time and don't sell yourself short- the right person will love you exactly as you are!

  • I am sorry to hear your struggling right now. It is difficult when any relationship breaks down. Tuff to understand and cope.

    I'm coming at this from the other side. !! I walked out of my marriage 3 years ago. (At the time I thought I had good reason. I was wrong) i am not proud to say that I am the villain in this. I went home one day and said I'm going. And I did. I walked away from her and my 2 lovely children there and then. Who I should add are both older teenagers.

    In the last 3 years I've been diagnosed with depression and and more recently cyclothemia.

    I believe I am one of the blessed ones. I have a fantastic gp. Seen a psychiatrist. Psychotherapist. And a counsellor all on a regular basis. The point is! There is no point. I've attempted suicide. this despite being two years into care. And still on the edge. It's all all relative. I've push all but 1 or 2 of my friends away. I frequently go from 3pm Friday until 8am Monday when I return to work without seeing or speaking to a single friendly sole. It's a prison cell life. A life I just sleep away. I take 15 tablets a night to function.

    I know I carry the guilt and upset to my wife children and wider family. Guilt is a heavy chain to carry. Slowly drags you down. And you can longer function.

    My depression and low mood started 30+ years ago. If perhaps I had asked for help then? things may have been so much different to how it is now.

    That's the key you see. Getting help as soon as possible.

    You sounded more positive towards the end of your chats with "likestochat"

    you met someone that you wanted to try again with. That's positive. Perhaps going further to your GP may be a good step.

    Nip it in the bud I feel that is the key. And of course keep chatting on here. So many people want to help.

    But remember you must try everything you want. It's not a one size fits all.

    Good luck my friend.

  • Hi there, I read your message and it made me feel sad that you're having such a hard time still, can you see your kids at the weekend? Have you spoken to your wife about all the guilt you feel?

  • Hey. Thanks for your reply. Please don't feel sad for me. That was never my intention in my reply. Everyone is now spread out around the country and abroad. I do have good contact with the children and do speak to my wife who makes a great job of her being the victim. But we have spoken of guilt.

  • That's good, I'm glad you're still in touch with the kids, onwards and upwards eh!

  • That's what we try and do. Carry on going forward. Knowing / fearing it's just a matter of time before the inevitable happens. I can't do anymore than I am now. But I do refuse to be allowed to be admitted into hospital for as long as I have the choice. No matter how many positive claims are made of it. It's not happening.

    But as you say "onwards and upwards"

    Regards

  • I agree with the last comment, please please go and see your GP, antidepressants take time to work so be patient- IT WILL GET BETTER. You have a beautiful son who needs you and the meds will make all the difference, honest, they stop the cycle of negative thoughts going around in your head. 22 years is a long time to be married, no wonder you're down, you are probably grieving, have some time out to heal and get well, so that you'll be a good position for a relationship. I read that women outnumber men 7 to 1 on the dating scene so the odds are definitely in your favour 😊. Let us know how you go at the GP's - don't be afraid to call the help lines given earlier either, it will get you help quicker. We are all rooting for you!

  • Digginsa, It's Not Your fault. I'm Praying For You.

  • In answer to your question" do you have the strength to carry on...

    Yes you do, you always will...

    You are strong and worthy of being loved and you will be, allow yourself time to find you again, not the husband or father but you, grow to love yourself and enjoy being you and when the times right, the love you seek will come❤️ Raise the bar...and fight harder tomorrow than you did today! You've come this far...no fight a good fight💪🏻 Sending you positive vibes and strength x

  • I am on antidepressants have been for about three years, this last relationship collapse has just set me back so much, it's causing me to question myself and who I am, I fought hard for my son but no doubt myself that should I have let his mother have him? I feel I am just not good enough and that is where the despair is coming from, I wake up every day in dread wondering how will I get through it, all I look forward to is sleep 😪, the loneliness is so hard, I now feel like that's it I will never find anyone else. just the thought makes me anxious 😩

  • I feel your pain. Depression is poo. I write this with tears I've been fine all day and now I sit here thinking about finding a rope and pulling the ladders down from the loft can't get it out of my mind. I just want my husband to come home very soon

  • i didn't write this but is a ray of sun in a cloudy sky. Hope it helps!

    Don’t be. F*ck it. You’re a mess. You’re a wreck. Just be that for a while.

    And remember that this is just a day. And it may be one of many.

    It will change.

    Even the longest of tunnels have light eventually and the darkest of clouds only hide the sun, not destroy it.

    You are okay.

    You are okay.

    No. You’re not listening.

    You. Are. Okay!

    Just like that. Riddled with pain and weighed down with regret. You. Are. Okay.

    You are not a failure. You are not less than. It’s not that you’re “not good enough.” You are not defined by your mistakes.

    You’re just a mess. A snotty, angry, grizzling mess.

    Some of the most interesting and attractive people I know are a sh*t storm of a mess.

    You’re okay.

    But when you’re done being a pile of tears, and you may take as long as you need, grit your teeth, clench your fists, tilt your head back and scream to the moon:

    “I’m not done yet!”

    Because you are wonderful. You are not perfect and you nor anyone else should ever expect you to be. But you are worthy.

    You are worthy of kindness. You are worthy of peace. You are worthy of love.

    It will be okay. It’s going to be a hell of a ride and you are going to feel pain. But you’re also going to feel happiness and joy like you couldn’t imagine. You will love again and you will wonder why you never knew it could be this good.

    You will get lost and find home.

    You will break and you will heal.

    You will not have to carry this weight with you forever.

    You will skip one day and think that you are the luckiest person in the world.

    You will lose people and you will find people.

    You will win fights and lose fights. But you’ll always keep on fighting.

    You will not have all these worries in your mind forever.

    Today won’t even be a memory one day.

    You will be happy.

    I promise.

    It’s all going to be okay.

    You’re going to be okay.

    But for now, take this tissue. I like your mess.

    Because you’re most beautiful when you’re not trying.

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