Sorry

[Holly101]

Sorry I'm really tired, I'll answer all messages as soon as I can, i'm really sorry.. love yous Holly xxx

[Adorable1]

Holly

Some days I'm exhausted, know what you mean. When I'm like that I can't type a sentence.

Rest up and hope you have a little more energy soon.

Thinking of you. Thank you for the responses you have done to me in the past, they have always been very appreciated.

Love sue xx

[Hidden]

Hi Holly, there's no need to apologise, when you are tired you are tired. Take care of yourself and we'll all hear from you no doubt once you feel well enough. Suexx

[Hidden]

Hi Holly,

Hope you get some rest and relax.

No worries about any posts you want to reply to. We will still be here when you are ready.

I always value your replies. so get your head down and see you when you are ready. gardener x

[Jeffju]

Don't be sorry ,Holly.We all understand how you feel. Just rest and try and relax and we will see you back on here when you are ready. Julie xxx

[Holly101]

Thank you all for your caring and understanding replies

I slept for about 17 hours and could've slept another 17 but the bloody builders are in upstairs, making some

racket!

My nerves are shattered as it is!

It was because of an un-expected family visit, I just couldn't handle it at all!!! No warning, no asking if it suited me,

I got a facebook message on Wed.night, saying they were coming to stay for a few days, arriving on Friday.

I was in some state.. I'm still exhausted, why can't I be normal and handle and enjoy things like that??

It was nice to see them, it was my mum and my brother, but I'm still not recovered, I'm so tired, and I feel all confused and anxious, those bloody builders upstairs aren't helping either! I jump everytime they whack a hammer,

which is every other second or two!

Oh f**k, I can't do this anymore... Got my psychiatrist tomorrow morning, but they've changed all the busses, so I don't even know how to get there..

Sorry for the moaning and negativity, I'll pull my socks up and try and get it together Life's just really, really, REALLY hard sometimes.

Unfortunately it just keeps going on, I'd like a break.

Hope everybody's having an ok day, a good one even, or just as good as can be..

Thanks again all of you for being you, and for all your support and love and care

Love, Holly Xxx

[Adorable1 in reply to Holly101]

Oh Holly I do feel for you, I'm exactly the same, get worked up about visitors, and hate noise from builders poor you I truly feel for you.

At least the visit is over and gradually you will get your strength back from that, hope the builders aren't due to be there long, and that they will have finished soon so you can have some peace.

Hate it when I have to go somewhere I've not been before as well, but at least a visit to your psychiatrist may bring some positive results and you can talk to someone who understands, which is always nice...

Check out the buses on the Internet or give them a quick call before you go. I know even doing things like that on bad days can be a chore, but once you have done it you will feel that is one worry out the way.

Thinking of you

Sue xxxxx

[Holly101 in reply to Adorable1]

I know your right, I should do that, instead of leaving 3 hours before I'm meant to be there coz I don't know where I'm going..

I just feel so useless, I never used to be like this! I went to the other side of the world on my own when I'd just turned 18! And look at me now..

It makes me feel weak, worthless, needy.. I used to be all the opposite from that, strong, independent.. What happened to me?!

And am I ever gonna be ok again?

Thanks for your reply Sue, it's good to know I'm not alone and you understand exactly how I feel.. It really means a lot..

Hope your ok, in fact, I hope you're having one of those good days we sometimes get, coz we

appreciate them so much more than your average person does, they just take em for granted,

just a normal day..

So my wish for you today is to have a good day! And if not, you know where I am, I might not

be strong and much help and full of good advice, but I do know how you feel, and to me that's

worth so much, like your wee message just there

Thanks Sue!

Holly xxxx

[Adorable1 in reply to Holly101]

Holly you sound just like me honestly....I have done so many things in my life, managed lots of staff, talks in front of lots of people, meetings, I've been so strong in my work life, and now I feel all of the things you say you feel, finished work in march this year because my anxiety got to bad to cope, I truly know how you feel, you feel like a shadow of your former self, like me, on occasions a snippet of the old me comes out, in particular the mad sense of humour I have....who stole me !!!! I understand, but we will come out of this different people like you say more appreciative of things , much less bothered by material things....we will be fab people... hang on in there there is hope for us...

Sue xxxxxxx

[Holly101 in reply to Adorable1]

I hope your right.. I feel so weak and helpless and that's just not me..!

The thought of people feeling sorry for me makes me sick.. I've not had the easiest life but I've took it all in my stride and now I just feel like a pathetic excuse for a human being..

Went to see that psychiatrist yesterday, never met her before in my life, I seen her for maybe 15 minutes, what a f***in bitch!!!

I said the Trazadone I've been on for years aren't working, because I've never felt so depressed and anxious in my life, my life is torture and I said to her I can't go on like this..

Her answer to this was, well the trazadone has probably ran its course, we should probably take you off it.

Ok, I said, and put me on something that does work. No, she says, pills aren't always the answer to everything, we'll take you of them and see how you get on without medication.

I couldn't believe it! I'm f-in suicidal, and she wants to take me of my anti-depressants!

She also said, you don't look anxious to me, quite the opposite.. What?!

And how can you see my stomach's going like a washing machine and I've been worrying about that stupid appointment for weeks?!

My next appointment is not til the 27th of November, it just seemed as if she thought I was wasting her time.

Sorry about my rant, but I just could not believe the lack of interest and help I got, I didn't get any..

How have you been? I'm having a pyjama day, I'll probably end up going to sleep soon and sleep the day away, like I have been any chance I get..

Sorry for my moaning, I just feel like everything is a waste of time and I might as well give up.

Hope you're ok hun, you know I'm here if you need me, takes me away from myself for a bit too!!

Lotsa luv, Holly xxxx

[Adorable1 in reply to Holly101]

Hiya Holly, I really do get how you feel, I hate the thought of people feeling sorry for me that's why I don't tell people and I hide it, which then puts more pressure on me, it's awful I know.

Your psychiatrist seems to have a strange approach to things. I'm never sure what they are trying to do when they say some of the things they say. I have heard people say things before that have been said and I think why do they do that, I have also heard people say the next time they went was totally different and they have turned from disliking to liking....I hope that is the case for you ......

Yes I tend to sleep the day away when I'm low..I can sleep for days when I'm like that...

I missed out on a lovely flat last week, I was low then. I come up to all the criteria on it but not the affordability of it, I will get full housing benefit and most of the service charge so that's ok, but they work out your living expenses, gas elect etc and although I don't have any debts I run a car, my daughter came with me and said she would pay things for me but they wouldn't let it go through, I was so gutted...this particular flat had very high heating bills though as the residents shared the heating costs but have heating on in winter 24/7 so it was costly.

I'm hoping this is not the case for all the accommodation I apply for, I really need my own place now....

Apart from that I've been lucky the last couple of days to have had good days, but I know the above will send me spiralling down if it carries on being the case...

Hope those noisy builders have gone...

Sending you a hug

Sue xx

[Holly101 in reply to Adorable1]

Maybe that's a blessing in disguise Sue, coz that would be some heating bill!!

That's pretty much un-affordable having the heating on 24/7, even if it is shared between all the residents... Don't get too down about it, I bet something perfect comes up, and then you'll be thanking your lucky stars things went the way they went.. Sometimes these things have a funny way of working themselves out.

I know it's important to have your own space, where you can hide way when you need to and have somewhere you feel safe and that's yours and yours alone..

I'll keep my fingers crossed and keep thinking about a nice wee flat for you, and hopefully it won't be too long before it becomes reality..

And the heating thing you described there is pretty rare I think, so I wouldn't worry about that too much, I don't think many places work their heating-systems like that..

The noisy builders have gone, thankgod, I couldn't have handled another day of that!

Hence I immediately had a pyjama-day

Stay positive hun, you might have many more good days to come, and hope fully your housing situation will work out as soon as!

Lots of love, holly xxx

[faceless65]

Hi Holly

Just wanted you to know that I wish you well and I do hope you manage to get some rest. I hope your psychiatrist visit helps too. Thinking of you hun.

Tracy xx

[Holly101]

Thank you Tracy, god I really don't know what I would do without all of you, coz 'normal' people just don't

understand!

A kind word, and knowing there's people who know how you feel, are worth their weight in gold!

Every single one of you, are worth more than winning the lottery

Thanks, love and gratitude!

Holly xxxx

[Holly101]

Well the psychiatrist visit didn't help at all, she was a bitch from hell!

I ended up walking away crying my eyes out, as I'd waited for months to get this appointment, and I came out feeling a hundred times worse!

She was basically totally dis-interested, didn't listen to a word I said, couldn't wait to get rid of me, and said, when I mentioned my anxiety, 'Well, you don't look anxious, quite the opposite..'

I don't know... Sometimes it's like banging your head against a brick wall..

Hope you're ok Tracy, just thought i'd let you know how I got on with the psychiatrist.. Double whammy, first the

un-expected family visit, and then the psychiatrist from hell.. Wonder what's next?

Love, Holly xxxx