feeling sorry for myself

I lost my husband five years ago now i still cry nearly every night and i hate myself , i put on a I'm ok face when i am out . the doctor blamed me for my husband death said it was because i did not take him home and he was right now it will never go away , i was hurting so much a couple of weeks ago that i rang for a appointment with the doctor i was asked why i wanted to see them and when i would not tell the receptionist they refused me a appointment i am not going to the doctors again for anything.

13 Replies

  • Hello Chris , the death of a spouse especially one you still loved is about as traumatic as life gets and I'm glad you have the courage to put on a good face to the outside world. I would doubt that your doctor blaming you for your husband's death is 100% correct even if you feel he is. Human affairs are rarely if ever that black and white and few things happen where the blame can be totally laid at any one persons door.

    Five years is a long time to grieve and imo you should not be hating yourself. My advice is not to cut yourself off from your local medical services although I can understand you not wanting to see that GP again. Another GP who might refer you for counselling might help you get over this traumatic and distressing event.


  • thankyou for your reply but i can't get to see any of the doctors if i won't tell the receptionist why . It is a long story and i have typed it out and deleted it twice it sound so petty but the doctors words were (you stopped him going home and i am not going to discuss it with you i am going to go and help people that are thankfull for my help). The thing is i now can not get these words out of my head and they are true so i don't blame the doctor anymore it was all my fault.

  • Chris ,I've now read your earlier posts. In my opinion this was an extremely stupid thing for the doctor to say as all it did was make you ill and upset. Not exactly the function we want doctors to have.

    You were n't responsible for your husband being in hospital. You were not informed of the risk of infection if your husband remained in hospital, and you were not responsible for the hospital being a source of infection. No , the doctor was n't right and I suspect that like many of us he was terribly hurt and angry that a patient became fatally infected in his hospital and in his anger took it out on you.

    We can't undo his words but you have to see them for what they were and try and forget them and move on with your life. Death is a part of the human condition and affects us all, Every one loses loved ones eventually and we must accept that and move on.


  • Thankyou but it was true i did not want him home till he got the things he and i needed and because of that he got another infection , i should of just got him home he so wanted to get home and when i said no they told him he would have to go in a home it did not happen because he got ill again

  • No, someone is supposed to stay in the hospital unless they are healthy enough to go home. You had your reasons why you wanted it that way. List them. And even if they were false or stupid. That was you at that time and you didnt intend something bad.

    I rather think maybe the doc feared you are going to sue him or something. Makes me angry. I got a cancer diagnosis a while ago. Was just bullshit. Really ask five other docs about that situation and they will all say it wasnt your fault.

    Go get therapy! I never regretted to get help too early.

  • Chris, that was absoluteky rotten of the doctor to lay blame on you for your husband's death! It was NOT your fault! To see a new doctor, tell the receptionist you need the appointment to discuss some emotional issues that are affecting you physically. You need nit disclose more until you're with the doctor. Best wishes!!

  • Chris49, for a doctor to tell you his death was your fault, outrageous!!!! You didn't share the situation so cannot comment on HOW IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! In AMERICA, would think you would have grounds for a lawsuit , I hope you at least reported him to whatever governing body that would reprimand him !! So, so out of line !!!!! You should not have to live with grief and then made to feel guilty! Just wrong! You might benefit from a counselor. Help you deal with the guilt and find a way to eliminate it. We are here to help you move forward 😘

  • i did report him they said he had to apologise which he did but he said in the letter that it was my line of question 's why he said these things .

  • Chris49, Forgive him , let it go and move on ! When you start to think about it, do what I call " CHANGE YOUR CHANNEL". Kinda like earn you are watching TV and something comes on that you don't like , you change the channel. Same thing, CHANGE THE CHANNEL, when your mind starts dwelling on the past. Think about things that bring you joy ( kids, grandkids, friends, family , hobby, etc etc . Pick up a book to read, if middle of night, get up and bake something, clean something, just get your mind on something else. Quit blaming yourself, forgive yourself for being human , it has been 5 years, time for new memories, new adventures.😘

  • Chris49. Receptionists needs some information in order to know how much time your appt might take. It is scheduling thing 😘

  • we get 10 minutes for appt. We don't have a named g.p anymore we just see the doctor we are given which does not help to start and explain things again , I have heard some receptionist talking about peoples problem's and i am ashamed i have let myself get in this state.

  • Chris49, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a human being, you are still grieving the death of your spouse ( there is no time limit, everyone deals in their own way and in their own time). You were berated by a professional that should have been comforting you. Everybody needs help at sometime in their lives but not everyone will seek help. It shows, you are brave and stronger than you think. You are ready to heal and move on with your life. Asking for help is a HUGH first step. Just tell receptionist that you are not sleeping and need help with grief issues. Wanting to get better and wanting a better life means you are on the road to peace. 😘

  • Hi Chris,

    I agree with all the comments above, that this was not your fault, and the doctor's comments were cruel and unprofessional, and totally not true.

    If you're in the UK you can refer yourself to Cruze bereavement counselling without having to go through your GP. cruse.org.uk/bereavement-se...

    However, if you need to see a GP, just tell the receptionist you need help for mental health difficulties, and I think that should be sufficient.

    Wishing you all the best.

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