I'm back (briefly), and I'm sorry.

[LilyJones]

Hello everyone.

I just wanted to update everyone on my situation and apologise, massively.

A few may remember a couple of my posts recently, a lot of which must have been really disturbing. Without going into too much detail (because I don't want to upset anyone again) I made a serious attempt on my life not that long ago. I've just got out of hospital after being diagnosed with psychotic depression. I can't really remember what happened in the days surrounding the attempt, or what I posted, but from what I can gather on the site the things I said were very mixed up and sometimes horrible.

I just wanted to reassure everyone that what I did was no ones fault, and according to the psychiatrist I saw in hospital that unless I was already in a psych hospital I was beyond the reach of anyone's help.

It's no excuse, but to give you a bit of context my psychosis was making me see the world in a VERY distorted way. I didn't trust anyone, including my own thoughts.

Health wise I'm physically still a bit unstable, but well enough to come home. I lost a lot of blood, so just feeling weak really. I was allowed to come home as I was started on anti-psychotics which I responded to remarkably well. So Now I just get a visit from the home treatment team twice a day.

I'm going to try not to post here as often, as although I'm very much in control at the moment, I don't think I' trust myself on here again.

Once again, I'm really sorry. I keep telling myself that it was 'her' who posted those things, not the real me. But I'm still finding it hard to get my head around the whole thing.

Once again, sorry, and thank you for those who tried to get me through an impossible situation.

[ThemysciraDrive]

Hi Lily.

You know what? I'm just really happy you're ok and feeling better. I can honestly say that's the best thing I've heard in ages. Like a fantastic belated Christmas present it's a very generous and brave post you've put up as well. For what it's worth, I agree that it wasn't the real you. I think we saw some flashes of the real you and she seemed pretty cool - wicked sense of humour too

So glad you have a treatment that's working. I understand how you feel about not posting a lot. But you know the door here is always open when you're ready to walk through it.

You're getting a whole ton of virtual hugs right now look after yrself cookie.

Themys

[LilyJones in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

Thanks Themys. I do get scared constantly, because its hard to tell what is the 'real me' any more.

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to LilyJones]

So then it's something you'll find out this sounds glib - especially to someone in your situation - but there is always a positive spun on things. Part of the art of learning to deal with depression, for me, is finding the positive spin and keep telling yourself that. Even though you don't believe it at first. Because after enough times doing it eventually you will start to believe those positive things.

Don't be scared. Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself like you would someone else who had depression and psychosis. Now is not the time to trust your opinion of whether or not you're a good person - forget questions like that as much as you can and just get yrself better

Themys

[knowles8586]

Its ok we all go through bad times and when Im texting or replying to messages on facebook sometimes I put down how 1iM feeling at the time, can become a bit disturbing

[Hidden]

Hello LILY, a big welcome back

So over the moon to hear from you again, we were all very worried about you and personally I could feel in your writing the sheer feelings of confusion and pain that you must have had going through your head.

Never, never feel that you have to apologise to people here regarding what happened, like me they will all feel relief and that shows well into how you wrote the above blog.

Personally I feel that you can trust yourself on this site as I feel that you need that support and we are all here too give it to you. Remember I did the same as you and I can understand the possible feelings that you have gone through.

This site is cluttered with people who think of you as a friend and worry when someone they know is feeling very low and suspicious due to illness like what many suffer here. We are all in the same boat, more or less and the more people who have the oars the faster and easier life becomes.

Remember we are all here for you, and as before people on this site will be very please to see you back

Please, do not be a stranger

All the very best

BOB

[LilyJones in reply to Hidden]

Hi,

Yes, I read back my earlier post just now, which was painful. I don't even recognise my own writing, scary. Everyone here is so supportive, which makes what I did unforgivable. Its proof of what I said in earlier posts, I just bring bad things to people.

Thanks for your support.

[gardengnome]

so glad you have a good support team helping you, it does make soooo much difference to have a team who can help you, have you got a firm idea as to what warning signs you will look out for in yourself for when you need to ask for a bit more help?

your writing does sound like you are much more in control. so Congratulations, and don't forget to forgive Yourself too.

Lots and lots of hugs. A . xxxx

[LilyJones in reply to gardengnome]

I don't really, its hard because I can barely remember the days leading up to that attempt, or the attempt itself. But I can feel when I'm starting to lose control over my thoughts, the problem is it takes a while to get to 'crisis' level, so quite unpredictable. Another obstacle is that I find it incredibly hard to ask for help. The 'other' me hates asking for help, punishes myself for asking for help and basically I go into lock down whenever I see any type of health professional. So I've still found it hard to open up and tell anyone the full extent of what I'm going through.

I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself, to be honest. The posts I made here just kind of emphasise the fact that I bring bad things to people...

[gardengnome in reply to LilyJones]

new year

new lilly

let the new lilly tell the professionals around you as much as you can

I wanted to tell you to make yourself a promise, but it is for you to know what that needs to be for you...get the professionals, and any one you trust, help you keep your own promise to yourself, yer i know sounds all mystic, but it helps to give yourself some positive absolutes.

You know I can give you a good argument when you need it, I never learnt how to do ''subtle'' so I'll nag you as much as needed....promise.....

[LilyJones in reply to gardengnome]

Thanks x

[Photogeek in reply to LilyJones]

Hi LillyJones It's great to hear from you. You must accept you

Were ill and who among us has not done or said thing we regretted when Ill or not ill . So what goes on tour stays on tour.

I am really glad that you got the help you needed and I can

Relate to the difficulty of asking for that help. You must look

After yourself now and see it as a new beginning . The journey

Starts with the first step. We were just worried about you because

We cared.

And you were brave and humble to come on here today and

Apologise and that is a great trait to have.

Hugs

Hannah

[LilyJones in reply to Photogeek]

The thing is, people who are ill can get treatment or get better. That's just not going to happen for me. I can take these anti-psychotic things which do stabilise me a lot, I'm just worried that I'll get really bad and stop taking them due to paranoia. Thanks for all your support Hannah.

[Suzie40]

Hi Lily,

Really glad you're feeling better. It's nice to see you here again x

[LilyJones in reply to Suzie40]

Thanks Lucy. I wouldn't say feeling better, maybe just feeling a bit numbed down and less erratic in my behaviour.

[Hidden]

Lily, I'm glad to see your post.

I'm here on a personal level with depression, but I'm a health professional who works with people with mental health issues - so I was trying to balance my needs against the real worry and fear I and the others felt for you.

I'm hoping you can find your way through this dark time - seriously do ask your mental health support team about dialectic behavioural therapy - I believe it will help you.

Thinking of you and holding you in the Light

[LilyJones in reply to Hidden]

I'm finding it so hard to ask for any type of help at all at the moment, and when I do I go into self destruct mode, but I'll bear that in mind. Thanks for your thoughts x

[LilyJones]

I know, that's why I feel so bad. Its not fair, what I did. It was wrong. But, everything I do is wrong, so, I shouldn't really expect anything else. I'll stick around for as long as I feel that I'm not making too many bad things happen, but Idk how long that will be. I don't want to lose control like that again. She just takes over. Ughhh

[Jeffju]

The best thing is Lily that you have received some help and are feeling better.

I was wondering where you were and was as little scared that something very bad had happened, which I guess did, but you got help and that is the most important thing.

Let these people help you as much as possible and work with them

New year, new start, LilyJones. Julie xx

[Gambit62]

Really good to hear that you are okay at the moment.

It was quite obvious at the time that you needed some serious professional help so I'm glad that you seem to be getting it at the moment and that the drugs seem to be doing the trick. Think the most difficult thing for me was knowing that you needed some serious professional help but not being able to get that through because of where you were ... may be we could have a code word to use in the future though I suspect that by the time we needed to use the code word you'd be back in that place where it wouldn't get heard - but lets hope that you do continue taking the meds and that doesn't happen

[Hidden]

Hi Lily

like others I'm very glad to hear you are ok and a huge thank you for coming on to update everyone.

Thank you also to all who responded, being such a supportI've group, it's lovely to see

Amanda

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

Lily, thank you for returning and updating us. I understand you are not "better"; just more stable and there will be a long way to go for you but all is not necessarily bleak believe me. I agree you could look at dialectical therapy in the future but just now concentrate on stabilising out. I live in your city. I am a very non judgemental and compassionate person. If you would like in the future a regular "meet up " for coffee and to discuss your emotinal stuff then please feel free to PM me and we can arrange that. Gemmalouise xxxx

[knowles8586]

thats ok when Im not well I imagine the worst. I get taken in my people who are out to use ,then my self esteem hits rock bottom.

I become paranoid then it happens again