Woke up feeling spooked - partly aftermath of a bowls match yesterday which the love of my life really didn't enjoy and went off in a bit of a huff afterwards ... nearly burst into tears when the am text ended with 'I still love you'. Tears of relief - he often ends texts like that so not reading much into it but it was so very much what I needed to hear then. But it was also the first time I was meeting with my deputy since the start of August because she has been on holiday for a month and I'm picking performance management strands and really scared of my frustration showing - I know she is really trying but there are some things that I'm not sure she will ever really get the hang of and there's just too much work for all of us so having to get so bogged down in detail really isn't helping me.
Anyway, was kind to myself - and listened to a Beethoven symphony and a few other bits before I headed into work. I was cycling down a hill which has a lot of speed bumps on it and just caught one at the wrong angle and that was really scary - nearly came off but somehow managed to stay on - fortunately there wasn't much traffic around so the one car that was coming up the hill was able to slow and let me get everything back under control and back onto the right (or should I say left :)) side of the road. That left me feeling quite shaky - but was able to calm myself on the train working through some puzzles and then just sitting back and listening to the engine purr - which I do find quite relaxing. Didn't get entirely spooked when I got to Oxford and realised that it was the St Giles Fair and I had to make a detour - something I hate because 20 years ago I was knocked off another bike by a bus because of all the detours. Just background nerves. Managed to get through long meeting with deputy and a few other things and then headed home at 1600 - was starting to feel the fear levels rising again. Suspect it's just hormones in the background ... but the incident on the bike has let them have a field day today.
Really looking forward to tomorrow being over - as St Giles Fair is a two day event.
I went for a run about 18.30 to calm myself a bit (post Home and Away which is back - well that's a silver lining if ever there was one :)) and the clouds were beautiful so came home, picked up camera and went out again - and that was the excuse for this post though I must admit I do feel a lot better for righting down all the stupid manifestations of anxiety and getting them out of me and into the cloud.
Hope you have all had stress free days.
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Gambit62
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Yes Lucy . I picture what people look like from their posts. I suppose you get an idea of someone's personality from their posts. Me I'm a small blonde blue eyes person. Quite active and kid like really
By the way me picturing them is only a bit of fun and probably totally unreliable. Maybe you thought I am a very tall willowy model type. Ah I'm happy enough with my body to be honest
Thanks Hannah. Not sure about the warrior though - can be a bit scary when someone riles me ... and sometimes I feel a bit like Taz the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes.
How are the unwanted memories - though guess I really shouldn't ask
Saw someone at work looking very upset today and asked a colleague who works closely with them and was told that she's just come back from time off after her dad died. Went up to her later and just squeezed her hand to let her know I was thinking of her and said that I wasn't going to say anything ... mainly because I didn't want to do something that would make her lose her composure. Seem to run into a lot of people who have had deaths in the family at the moment - one of the opposition from last night's bowls had 'lost' his wife about a month ago.
Always think of Lady Bracknell in the importance of being earnest when I come across that euphemism ..."To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be considered a misfortune, but to lose both parents - sheer carelessness."
Gambit. No don't worry about asking about my thoughts. I had a better day today. I had a long chat with my friend from way back , Linda and that really helped too. It's good that we can be ourselves and don't feel we have to tiptoe around each other. I am a Photographer myself. I have a good few cameras both Digital , Film, and Pinhole. Photography makes me forget everything negative. It transports me on a magic carpet to another land.
Ah that's funny Negative or Negs as we call them Gambit you are sharp. Now a tack sharp shot is a good feeling. I'd better get myself off to bed soon before I get giddy.
Goodnight Gambit and stay well. And Slow Down on that bike you whizz kid.
As soon as I saw 'down hill on my bike,' I panicked! Glad you weren't hurt, although being shaken up can be just as bad ...
I love your picture. I am the complete opposite of artistic (whatever that might be!) I have one picture that I took once that I liked. I'll see if I can find it and share it! X
Really I'm just playing around at the moment - got the camera Wednesday last - have lots of kitten pictures and a couple of butterfly shots (those are just pure luck! - managed to get a good one with the first attempt).
I think that picture was a pretty good excuse for a post!
Had to laugh at the Beethoven, just because of the contrast - I was listening to cheesy hair metal on my way to the station this morning. Sounds like a stressful day, but glad you're feeling better - and especially glad you weren't hurt on your bike. The train is where I retreat into books and my imagination. I'm on a big Denise Mina phase at the moment.
I'm also looking forward to tomorrow being done with. I have to tell my manager about my diagnosis/treatment tomorrow as I will need some time off for consultation and GP appointments. Really don't want to, but I don't have much choice.
My full play list on the i-pod is quite eclectic - Beethoven's 5th is followed by Bat out of Hell by Meat Loaf ... but my favourite transition is Beethoven's 8th into Led Zepplin's Kashmire - an accidental transition but one I've kept eversince and it's always one of those 'WOW' moments for me ... sure Ludwig would have enjoyed it.
Aw Gambit, you've ruined my illusion that I was the only person in the world eclectic enough to have fusion jazz and Marilyn Manson in the same record collection!
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Why every time I like a guy they always end up playing/hurting me?
Feel like I was told to just get on with life as depression wont go away.
Has anyone ever felt like they're almost a completely different person because of their mental illness.
My narcissistic mother has abused me yet again and im in a very dark place right now....
ANNOYED AND UNHAPPY
