Me Again

[sheffield1978]

im sorry that this may trigger some pople to self harm if your one please dont read on.

im sorry to do this to you all but have been waiting for the crisis team for the last few hours and after last time i couldnt wait or i would act.

i have had a problem with self harm for many years but until recently managed to stop i dont know how or why just lately its getting much more extreme i took a scalpel and stabbed my leg today sounds drastic but not really as i had a little voice in my head telling me t cut my throat as usual i managed to throw all the scalpels bar 1 down the drain this is a sfaety thing not for more self harm.

once again im sorry sarah xx

[Suzie40]

You've got absolutely nothing to be sorry about. I'm really glad you posted tonight. Well done for not listening to the voices. The scalpels are better off down the drain. Have you treated your leg? X

[sheffield1978]

its not nice tho is it to read something like that. i kept one but that is so i dont fret about having nothing to harm myself with and no i just keep changing the bandges its been bleeding since yesterday im sure it can wait for the drs i the morning unless the crisis team (if theyturn up) decide i have to go x

[Hidden]

Hi Sarah I am really glad you managed to resist the voices telling you to cut your throat. It takes guts to do that and you sound like a very strong positive person.

Bev x

[Hidden]

Hi Sarah

I'm really sorry you have felt so bad lately, do please take care of yourself. I enjoy hearing from you on the website and would hate to think of you not being alive, it would be a loss. You are a brave person and have helped me so I hope you are helped by the crisis team or others. The leg may become infected so it would be best to have it treated.

I am thinking of you.

Suexxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi sue hope your feeling ok strange thing is i had started to feel a little clearer in my head and was managing to sleep for at least 3 -4 hours at night and even managed going out on a few occasions just to dance no strangersthink its down to the antidepressants that have been changed once again . I am seriously not holding out now for the crisis team its just a repeat of last time which i think is crap considering we are a city.

im waiting for the gp to get back to me about my leg as its still bleeding im just hoping with a bit of gentle persuasion i can have i sewn up at the surgery i really cant face the hospital. slowly but surely im starting to get my labels of whats wrong with me so far we have ptsd and anorexia?? (dont know where they got that from) and maybe bipolar they are still working on that one.

the cat came back but she doesnt come in the house no more she will sit on the step with me now so maybe i am forgiven for last time. The gp called because its been bleeding for so long i have no choice but to go to hospital

[Hidden]

Hi Sarah

Well I'm glad you are alive and reasonably well. Yes I know it's a pain to go to the hospital but at least the leg will be taken care of and you won't end up with a major infection of your blood which would not kill you but would make you feel really dreadful!

I imagine PTSD is the most likely but you may also be diagnosed as BPD because of your ambivalence about being taken care of - in the end though the diagnoses are not what matters, you are. What has happened to you in the past has made you behave the way you do, you were not born to want to cut yourself or not take care of yourself. I do think if you can persuade a GP to refer you to a specialist psychotherapy service you can be helped but they are unlikely to refer you while you are acting out ie cutting yourself or starving yourself. In order to cope with therapy you'd need to have sufficient control to wait for the next session. It sounds as if the meds have helped a little - but I think often feeling better is something that brings with it very mixed feelings because I know from my own experience that in a way I did not simply want to get better but wanted someone to know how BAD I felt and also wanted them to know WHY - I wanted someone to know what had happened to me to make me feel so bad. I don't know whether you also feel like that but if you do then getting better provokes more anger which then leads to self harm rather than angrily harming others.

I wish I was living nearer and could support you through this period of your life as I think you can definitely be helped - you have a lot of strength and honesty and you offer a lot of care to other people which suggests you have the capacity to love despite what's happened to you. With help you can learn to love yourself and then find someone who will love you the way you deserve.

I hope things are not too bad at the hospital, let me know if you feel ok to do that.

I'm glad the cat has forgiven you, they are forgiving creatures as long as they are fed and loved. We have four gorgeous cats and they've just been in the cattery for a month but within ten minutes and a bowl of food they were happily back into their routine at home. I wish we could be the same!

Suexxx

[Suzie40]

Hey you. I thought about you a lot last night. Are you going to go down to casualty then? X

[sheffield1978 in reply to Suzie40]

yes and it was awful felt so uneasy with it all thanks for thinking of me

sarah x

[Cmg123]

Hi Sheffield 1978

Hope you are ok. Going through the mill myself right now.

[sheffield1978 in reply to Cmg123]

aw thanks for taking the time to reply when you feel rubbish yourself let me now if there is anything i can do

sarah x

[Cmg123 in reply to sheffield1978]

No one can help I'm afraid to say. I've read some really bad tails on these forums which make me want to try and help but it seams like some people are just meant to have a hard life. Maybee one day I will tell you my story and you can give me your advise

Anything I can do for you just ask

Cmg123

[sheffield1978 in reply to Cmg123]

im sorry your feeling so crap and although im having a hard time im better than i was in may sometimes all people need is a hi so dont feel bad remember sometimes people just want to pour it out. when your ready to tell me your story i will be here to listen and i will give the best advice i can

sarah x

[Cmg123 in reply to sheffield1978]

Thanks. Do you have anyone at home you can speak with ?

I'd like to have a chat but would not chat openly on a forum as some things are too personal.

Not many people would get my situation as I had a great future . Business, 3 daughters and everything to live for then got depeession and loosing everything .

Cmg123. Xx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Cmg123]

you would be surprised how many people on here would get your situation but i do understand if you do not feel ready to share. over the past few months i have done a very good job at pushing everyone away even the cat left home for a while.

when you feel ready to share it doesnt have to be on the forum or even me but you can private messgae people.

sarah x

[Cmg123 in reply to sheffield1978]

Don't know how the private message thing works. Just read your latest post and i was really surprised . Thought it was just me that slept all time . Never experienced this sleeping all time thing before as I have worked all my life and now I can't get out of bed xx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Cmg123]

i wish that was the case i was awake for a week and i think my body could take no more i know its hard maybe its because you have no routine now during the day hope your feeling a little better today

sarah x

[Cmg123 in reply to sheffield1978]

Hi again. Not been too bad just can't get out of this rut at moment. Taken my youngest daughter to pics but it was not good trying to be happy for her while feeling like s...... Do you have any kids

Cmg123

[sheffield1978 in reply to Cmg123]

hi no fortunatly i have no kids although i am very close to my niece whos in the picture and i cann see what effect this is having on her to say she only 5 i cant fool her. hope your feeling a little better today x

[Cmg123 in reply to sheffield1978]

Feeling like life is just not worth it. If I don't get out soon I don't know what's next .

Want my girls to be happy

You had a good day ?

Xx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Cmg123]

hi

not sure but i think i have sent you a pm if it works im sorry you feel like lifes not worth it but really it is. I have gone the oppersite way now and barely spend any time awake x

[Cmg123 in reply to sheffield1978]

Not got any pm. Just battling to get through today . Hope your day is going well

Cmg123

Xx

[Hidden]

Hi,

Hope you are ok and have had the that leg looked at!

Suexxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi sue

hope your ok

yes i went to get my leg sorted stitched with antibiotics just in case but i think that was becuase i lied and said i had done it in the garden i couldnt face telling them i had done it myself too much hassle.

im not feeling so good so i will write more tomorrow

sarah x

[Hidden]

Hi Sarah

I'm glad you had your leg seen to, that will keep you safe from a blood infection. It really doesn't matter what you told them about how the cut occurred, that's your decision and for you to decide what they should know, but I'm glad you let them treat you.

I hope you feel better today, here it's a lovely sunny day, your cat will be enjoying it!

Suexx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi sue

i have slept most of the day today as im feeling unwell with my heart i woke up in time for the rain lol but i dont mind hope you have had a lovely day in the sun

sarah xx

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hi, I'm glad you had a good sleep, you must have needed it. I hope you feel ok today. Suexxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi sue

not really feeling dizzy and spaced out its a strange feeling but need to get the house straight as the cpn is coming in the morning . hope your well

sarah xx

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hi, yes I'm fine, have a bit of a temperature and sore throat, probably due to the change in the weather, otherwise ok. You don't have to tidy up for the CPN you know, it's your home! Probably you feel it would be embarrassing for them to see it as it is - if you've been feeling so bad probably you haven't done even the basics, but that's ok, you will as you begin to feel better. I hope it goes well with the CPN, what's he/she like?

Suexx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi

yes it will probably be the weather poor summers asthma has been bad she says it needs to make its mind up. i know i dont need to tidy up but its little things like i noticed blood on the bottom of the curtain but really its just a little bit of my mother coming out i think dont like anyone to come and the house is what i call a mess. Andy is really nice although a bit of a nag regards food and medication but i like the fact that i can feel reasonably ok with him in the house and if i dont he sits on the doorstep and he pushes me to talk as i told him i do want to get better just how hard it is to talk.

hope your throat is a little better

sarah x

[pjNUN]

I think I am having the worst weekend of my life and at my age that amounts to a lot of weekends. I am badly in need of support though because of major problems with family and practical matters I am finding it difficult if not impossible to find much help or encouragement. This is a recurring theme in my life and leaves me almost continually anxious and depressed.

[sheffield1978 in reply to pjNUN]

is there anythng i can do to help its awful when you dont have the support of family and friends makes the situation feel even worse. Im here if that helps

sarah x

[Hidden in reply to pjNUN]

Oh, that sounds hard, can you talk about the things as some of us might be able to offer friendly words of support or advice.

Suexx

[pjNUN in reply to Hidden]

I guess it's mainly down to lack of confidence. I always appear to be copeing for evryone elses sake but when it comes to me falling apart there never seems to be anyone there for me. Am I being selfish?

[Hidden in reply to pjNUN]

Selfish! No, if you are coping for everyone else why is it selfish to need them to cope for you sometimes? It seems as if you need to compulsively care for other people rather than there be a balance of people's needs. I wonder whether it has always been like that? If so that would account for your lack of confidence, because we all need our needs to be met. It may help if you begin to think about when your lack of confidence began, was it as an adult or as a child? That will help you think about what needs of yours were not met, because although I presume you are an adult now even so if a need was not met as a child it may still need meeting even now, and you may have a lot of angry feelings about it not having been met in the past. I found it very helpful to be in therapy and understand how my needs weren't met and it's enabled me to feel there's a lot more balance in my relationships now.

Suex

[pjNUN in reply to Hidden]

Hi there and thanks for that. It was one I had missed but I think you may have hit the proverbial nail right on the head.

[gardengnome]

sorry life has gotten painful . Do try and seek out what support you can, the folks on this site have gone through the mill themselves and will certainly relate, if friends/family can't help much local support groups can also make you feel less alone. Unfortunenatly when troubles are at there worst and help is needed most the strength to resolve problems is at its' lowest.. .., at those times I can only manage one tiny step at a time, and some weeks it can seem a long journey out of the pits.. Can you link into support like citizens advice etc for practical stuff, don't know what techniques/therapies you've tried, maybe there is an alternative approach that might suit. Hope life treats you gently. A

[pjNUN in reply to gardengnome]

Thank you for your suggestions. I do belong to a group which has been set up to help with mental health issues but it doesn't seem to be working for me as well as it used to. Maybe I'm being paranoid but they seem to have their own agender which doesn't always address my mental issues. I don't feel as though I belong like I once did.

[Hidden in reply to pjNUN]

Hi, I wonder whether you are able to tell them about that nicely as sometimes people don't realise and go their own sweet way oblivious to the effect they are having. Suex

[pjNUN in reply to Hidden]

Yes, I suppose you'r right. It's just that I don't have much self confidence. If I offend people they tend to bully me and and don't stand up very well to that. It never fails to amaze me how over assertive and defensive people become if they feel criticised or threatened in some way.

[gardengnome in reply to pjNUN]

in some ways we haven't evolved that much from the other animals, does it help to imagine some people as particular animals? You could soon visualise a room full of ostriches and chimps...could be fun... A variation on the idea of picturing annoying people in their undies.

[pjNUN in reply to gardengnome]

Yes, good idea that. I think a lot of people are like trained monkeys. When some of us don't behave like trained monkeys but start to think for ourselves we very often end up on anti depressants, tranquilizers and anti psychotics.

[gardengnome in reply to pjNUN]

yes it is quite a balancing act between feeling free enough to express yourself, whilst needing to play the social game, every country has its' version of the 'monkey' people are expected to be, sigh...

[pjNUN in reply to gardengnome]

We get labelled and it tends to stick. If we prefer not to play the social game we are forever stigmatized.

[Hidden in reply to pjNUN]

Yes, you are absolutely right about that, and then conflict develops and the whole thing becomes a nasty atmosphere. It's hard to find groups or even individuals where it feels possible to belong all the time, I think once we leave childhood it's impossible. What we get is something of a compromise but it's better than nothing and gradually we come to find things we do like about it and learn to put up with and ignore the other things. Not that I'm suggesting it's easy, because it isn't, it's just that I know it's true! I'm still having to come to terms with how hard reality is sometimes, I guess none of us fully come to terms with that.

I wonder whether you can be more proactive in suggesting positive ways of changing the organisation into what you would like it to be rather than trying to change what other people do - I am sure your experience of needing to belong can't be unique - perhaps you can set up something that meets the needs of people like you? Just an idea. I'd love to explore any ideas with you.

I come from both sides of the fence in that I have lifelong mental health issues but also am a trained but semi-retired psychotherapist. Now I'm starting to volunteer with Mind and it will be interesting to see what I make of what people are offered. I anticipate feeling similarly to you at times, for myself and for the other people the organisation is there to help, but we will have to wait and see. Meanwhile they are a friendly bunch and it's better having someone to interact with no one. Hopefully I will learn to ride the fence and make something of the opportunity that makes me happy and helps people too.

Suex

[pjNUN in reply to Hidden]

I know what you mean and I hear what you are saying too. I have tried to start things but they never seem to be very successful. I don't know, maybe I expect too much. I vollunteer at a local youth club for people with special needs because I have noticed that some of the less able seem to sit around doing nothing. Sometimes it feels like the organizers are just tolerating my presence as they are perfectly capable of managing, but the less able ones are still left sitting. Similar situations happen at most of the things I try. Is there something wrong with me?

[Hidden in reply to pjNUN]

Probably not, people have different personalities and different abilities and each of us enters into things in a different way. I would just let yourself be, do what you feel happy doing at the youth club and as far as possible ignore what other people do and don't do as they will probably have their reasons. What's the saying about nowt so strange as folk... Suex

[pjNUN in reply to Hidden]

I think "Folk" are the strangest species on the planet.

[Hidden in reply to pjNUN]

I like it - but don't know how to do the smileys