Off to the doctor again

I'm going to the psychologist again today in about an hour and a half.

I've been awake for about 7 hours now, knowing I have to go, after a very stressful day yesterday, and I'm still in my dressing gown, unshaven, knowing that I should be getting dressed.

Instead, I'm sitting here on the sofa, doing almost anything except getting ready, again chain smoking cigarettes and thinking about why it is that I can't get my arse into gear.

This guy is good, sympathetic and very patient with me, but I have real problems in telling both he and my psychotherapist just how bad this is at the moment.

Weirdly, I feel I am letting both of these guys down if I tell them everything.

I know I ought to.

I thought there had been an improvement in my state of mind over the last few weeks, but I seem to have slipped right back to the state I was a in a couple of years ago.

I thought I was responding well to the medication, which is the most recent in a long list of drugs prescribed to help me help myself to get better - or at least under control.

One of the issues is that I dress well as a defence when I absolutely have to go out - I've always been 'well presented' in public - I'd no more go out in t- tshirt and shorts than fly in the air - and sometimes I wonder whether this interferes with the opinion the doctors make of my state of mind.

What they don't realise is the amount of effort it takes to get in the shower, clean my teeth, drag a razor over my face and dress in clean clothes - the reality is that I often don't dress for two or three days at a time, but sit around in my dressing gown, gradually starting to stink.

I have been doing some physical exercise in the last few weeks and I had noticed that I was following a pattern of waking up, exercising and lifting a few weights, then showering and dressing - and I felt better for doing those things, but in the last few days I have stopped doing them.

I don't know if the medication is actually working, and if I were not to be taking it, the mood would be even worse than it is.

It is very difficult to remain objective.

Also, I remain relatively articulate when I am speaking to these guys - I think so at least, although I have a tendency to sometimes repeat parts of a sentence over and over again, , for some reason being unable to get past a certain phrase or group of words, repeating them in different orders, until the jumble sorts itself out and I can make myself understood.

Sometimes, I get a word completely wrong for the context - for example I will say something along the lines of 'Ice cream man' when I mean 'doctor', or similar gibberish - I know I do this, because some people are kind enough to point it out to me.

The sheer effort of doing anything is completely exhausting me at the moment, I had a brief burst of energy two days ago, and wound up scrubbing the kitchen and hoovering the carpets, doing the mountain of washing up, changing the bed linen - at three am.

I had to go out yesterday - to the hospital - not for myself, but to support someone I care for while they went to have a breast lump checked out.

I think I held it together and did what was needed, but the impact on me today is one of complete exhaustion.

I'm feeling pretty much at the end of my tether.

[Hidden]

Hey, so sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment..

I understand what you say especially about getting dressed..I too dress well for the same reasons...

Like you I feel I am letting people down if I'm not improving and try to remain articulate...

I am slowly realising I am pleasing no one by this and in fact hampering my recovery...it's difficult because I know I can't stop it, it's simply how I am..one thing I do know though..and do my best to do it and that is somewhere in all of that it is best to be honest as we need to be in with a chance ..and what chance do we have if we are kidding ourselves and them...my advice is be honest..that way you will be in with a chance of sorting this out so you can again get on the road to recovery...

I know you are very aware of things and you have a great insight into your illness but they are the professionals let them be in with a chance to help...I understand your fears...but trying to kid them could possibly have worse things in store for you...

Tell them how you feel please...you did so well and can get there again you just need a little help to do it...

Big hugs for you ..good luck..

Sue xxxxxxx

[Hidden]

So get that shower get dressed and get going....I know it's hard and it is exhausting, but do it!!

You will not feel good later if you don't...

Come on shake a leg !!!!

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Hidden]

Hi

I suggest you print out what you have written here on the website and give a copy to your pscyhologist and psychotherapist, that way they will both know and you can begin to talk about it! That's what I do.

Suexxx

[Hidden]

Home again.

Quite a day.

I took the MCMII - III test a couple of weeks ago, with my psychologist and got the results back today.

So here goes:

CLINICAL PERSONALITY PATTERNS

Depressive

Negativistic ( passive aggressive )

Masochistic ( self - defeating )

Schizoid

SEVERE PERSONALITY

Borderline

Paranoid

CLINICAL SYNDROMES

Anxiety

Dysthymia

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

SEVERE CLINICAL SYNDROMES

Major Depression

Thought Disorder

Only taken two years to squeeze this out of the various doctors in black and white.

Somehow I managed 20 years of high stress career on my back.

I really don't know whether to laugh, cry or eat a mint Aero.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'd eat a mint aero anyway they are delish and any excuse !!

Are you saying you have been diagnosed with all of the above...that's some package deal...

I guess in some ways it's good to have the diagnosis confirmed.....

So what's the plan....do they have one ??

Love sue xx

Well done for getting there....did you dress up??

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi

Do all 3 and ignore the diagnoses! I do.

I learned to read and understand for myself, diagnose myself and then seek the help I thought best for that difficulty - and it worked - now I'm just a bit depressed whereas before I would have met all the criteria you did.

Good luck,

Suex

[Hidden]

Yes, all of the above.

Quite a menu ain't it?

Yes it is a good thing to have the diagnosis formally set out - this is the first time the slippery bastards have actually had the balls to give me something to go on.

I'd already worked out the Dysthymia and the Borderline Borderline Disorder by reverse engineering the medication to give me a clue as to what they were treating, but some of the others....news to me.

As to what they're doing, that remains to be seen.

I actually have a lot of faith in these two guys, I should feel lucky in that respect.

Striped shirt, pale pink cashmere sweater, Nudie jeans, pink tie, blue suede loafers and a navy cashmere and silk blazer - pink pocket square.

Real men wear pink, even if they are nuttier than a family sized bag of squirrel shit.

Thanks for giving a damn x

[Hidden]

Well sounds like you looked quite dapper...and yes I agree about men and pink thing, not the nuttier part of your comment though

We know this is a journey and you have today gone to another level of it....it is a move forward and with the two guys you have faith in it can be no worse than it was yesterday....in fact I think it's better...you now know!!!some of the diagnosis is not a shock to you either.....

The positive side of me says it's a step in the right direction for you...

I hope you were honest about how you have been feeling.....although I suspect they may know...and no matter how we dress up it doesn't hide it....in fact for me it's part of it....

Would like to know what they decide in the process to help you....if you want to share when the time comes...

Hope your friend in hospital is doing ok...

In fact have 2 mint Aeros... today was a move forward

Sue xxxxx

[Boozybird]

You could be describing half the cabinet, House of Commons and CEOs of any top FTSE 100 so you're in good company. Good job getting it out of them and here's to the journey ahead! Hang in there - you can do it!

[coatpin]

Gosh your realy being hard on yourself. Is it possible you can just accept that is how you are at the moment,?

You will have good and brillant days,and medioka days, and flat days. But that is you right now, if you have been on these meds a while, it might be your body is getting used to them, and your sliding back because they need to be raised.

If your not being honest to those people that are there to help you, your not being honest to yourself., and your stopping yourself from getting better, as they are there to assess you, and to help you (they get paid!!) for seeing you. Are you expecting them to guess??how you are.??

you could feel much better if you only tell them, your feeling your meds could be raised. No one is judging you,,, only yourself!!!

take better care x Linda