Sleepless and suicidal

[sheffield1978]

i cant do it no more i have slept no more than 3 hours for the last 3 nights i lay making plans and lists in my head sit for seconds then am up packing the house dont want to leave a mess i cant leave the house they all look at me i havent opened the curtains since friday

[Hidden]

Hi Sheffield

So sorry you feel like this right now...having hardly any sleep affects me too...

Have you been to the Dr ? I would urge you to get some help...

If you have suicidal thoughts please talk to someone the Samaritans are very good and you can call anytime...

I am not a professional but by the little that you do say it sounds like you really need to speak to someone...you don't have to suffer there is help...

Writing this to you to let you know people care...

I am sending you a big hug..I understand...

Let me know how you get on

Love sue xxx

[Aurora-auspice]

Hi Sheffield, have you seen a psychologist? I'm not being judgemental it's just the not bearing being touched, self loathing and suicidal depression, pacing, little sleep etc are so many signs of things like PTSD, suppressed childhood trauma, ADHD, Aspergers to name but a few..........We can turn to alcohol to self-medicate without even knowing why, or phase out of reality partying with friends and overdoing it in a sort of manic over excitement. I'm not putting this well but my personal experience has many past experiences as you seem to mention and Treatment for severe depression and anxiety got me through but didn't relieve the experiences and overwhelming crushing feelings. Recently I was diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD and it really is making a difference. I went to Rudy Simone lecture and she described the need to be loved but not understanding the subtleties of social interaction and boundaries leading to Aspies being abused and taken advantage off! ADHD has specific difficulties with impulse control problem is if your biochemistry is allowing even pushing you to do things that your conscience and moral standards don't like or accept you get seriously low self-esteem especially if you've turned to self medication of any kind and the the depression just gallops out of control!

I'm sorry I love this site have learnt a lot from it already and the people and posts are so understanding but it is still difficult to be too specific and really worrying that I may be assuming a lot from my perception of a few words but I just want to explain so that I can really encourage you to say what happened or happens to your doctor and get referral to psychology or go to a counsellor at Hope or Survivors or Mind and say what happens and I swear to you they have heard far far worse ...... But with the information just describing an event will get you the right help and I promise you it is really worth it. ...... HARD! But really it opens up possibility of a life again

Please take care of yourself even if you start by researching some psychological possibilities and if its physical safety what about checking out local groups like survivors, hope and mind etc.

Hope tonight is better! And it will be much better if you manage to do something today toward getting help!

Take care again much love Aurora xxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Aurora-auspice]

i managed to get myself an emergency appointment but when it came to it i could move from the stairs thats where i have sat all day yeah your pretty much right about the childhood much of my life has been pretty traumatic if im honest although most of the things that have appened have been a result of my risk taking i literally lose my voice when i feel like this so i have never been able to talk about much that involves feelings its my neck most why did i let him bite me i know im tired of feeling like this

thanks x

[Hidden]

Hi Sheffield...

Hope you had a little sleep in the end..

I've just read Auroras reply to you and she speaks a lot of sense I agree with her...I know it's difficult but I urge you to get some help, as soon as possible. You can feel so much better with some help..

Coming on this site was the start of you reaching for help, you can always come on here and there will be someone ..but you also need some help from professionals .....

Sending you a hug ....

Love sue xxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

still no sleep been on the stairs all day on hyper alert to any little noise it hurts my head and not in the headache sense tired rambles x

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Sarah please don't suffer alone like this ....you can feel better with some help...you need help to feel better, DrS usually have an emergency helpline when it is after hours please call it if necessary they should be able to arrange a visit to your home...I am sending you a big cuddle, and urging you to get some help...if you can't speak show them this page.....

Love sue xx.

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

i couldnt bear the noise of anyone being in the house i cant even put the heating on the noise is to much

[Hopetobehappy2013]

Hiya, sorry you are feeling so awful. Is that your little baba with you. Have you children? I agree with sue, coming on here is a great start, so well done.

Have you had any other symptoms? Have you gone to your gp? Do you have anybody who you can rely on.

I'm sorry about the hicky, and was getting wasted something to block it out or was this trying to hurt yourself? These things happen and don't best yourself up! I used to know the loveliest lady who prostituted as a form of self-harm. She hated herself, but she was so beyond a lovely person.

Our actions express our pain so don't beat yourself up.

You do need some help. Is there anybody who would go to the gp with you, or talk to this group who will give you lots of encouragement! And support. I went into my gp when I became unwell and burst into tears, I was mortified but he didn't bat an eyelid and they were so lovely to me.

How can we support you? What do you need, and again, no beating up self! You don't deserve it xxxx hugs from the group xxx imagine people standing behind you supporting you in that mirror, encouraging you xxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hopetobehappy2013]

thought i might have drifted today but no i cant face moving from the stairs i did make an appointment but couldnt face leaving the house i dont like to rely on people and since christmas i have done a good job of pushing everyone away with my mood swings. i think the brandy and the drugs are a way to hurt myself i stopped taking my heart meds 7 weeks ago i see this as fairer on my family my cousins suicide hit my dad hard i dont cry thats why i feel im choaking when i eat and im cold because the heating makes too much noise hurts my head

the little girl is my niece summer

and i must be one of the elite few that do not own a mirror

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Sarah please don't suffer alone like this ....you can feel better with some help...you need help to feel better, DrS usually have an emergency helpline when it is after hours please call it if necessary they should be able to arrange a visit to your home...I am sending you a big cuddle, and urging you to get some help...if you can't speak show them this page.....

Love sue xx.

[Aurora-auspice in reply to sheffield1978]

I don't own a mirror either but imagining the support of all the people in this group behind you we can be part of the winch to get you back upright on your roots as it were. It's really good imagery. Chasing people away and self-medicating is so often the case but you can seriously get over it! Ironically I did alcohol but not drugs and now am on prescription stimulants for the ADHD and don't need even a sip of alcohol stopped smoking overnight and I used to swing from anorexia to bulimia then gave up got obese then back to bulimia and all of that stopped! Before the effort of stopping was extreme and I kept failing even with the smoking but now I don't even think of them! I used diet coke like a drug and very strong coffee because the caffeine made my brain work well enough to concentrate a bit which helped stop the reckless behaviour! REALLY you need professional help! Why not log onto adhd support web site, bipolar, Aspergers, PTSD, listen to things they say they are fed up with about themselves daily. I knew stimulants in the quantities I was taking them was probably affecting my sleep pattern but for me there was nothing worse than mind wandering and getting caught in situations that I only lived through by luck and now I'm on ADHD medication (prescription grade stimulant) I sleep every night wake up feeling alive it is so different and as I said the craving need for normal stimulants just doesn't exist! It doesn't make sense to me but it is just the way my brain is wired and until you see the right people you just don't know! Xxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Aurora-auspice]

i dont evr do alcohol on its own always mixed with drugs i think thats why things get patchy what i have done i canr remember the last time i ate something and i havent had a drink since last night im counting down the hours to my appointment only allowing myself to cut every half hour im so tired

x

[Hopetobehappy2013]

And believe you are an ok person and it will be ok xx

[Photogeek]

H Sarah,

My heart goes out to you. When we cannot sleep everything falls apart, Please don't feel guilty, you are doing your best, Depression is an illness and you really need to get help. You were great to even write this when you are in such pain. You have taken the first step, so go to your GP or hospital today, no one will judge you. I often feel like a total failure myself and I know how that can be so awful, You are young and deserve to feel good.

Big hug to you and please see your GP .

Hannah

[sheffield1978 in reply to Photogeek]

i hate the a+e but i feel bad enough if i could leave the house i would x

[tidi]

My heart goes out to you. I lost my husband 16 years ago and three years after that landed up with who I thought was a lovely man. Until the drinking started etc etc. The Police have been to my house so many times. Anyway he landed up i prison. But that is not the point, I went into my own world, nobody wanted to know, I don't think my doctor even realised what I had gone through. He put me on the A|D which I have been on for almost 3 years now. Had Christmas by myself and so it goes on and on. I use to go to bed and think of all the ways I could end it. After all nobody cared so what was the point of being here. Anyway on New Years morning I got up after little sleep and thought this can't go on. So I got in touch with somebody who knows about vol work at the hospital. I have filled in all my forms and now just waiting to hear. I could not go on like this, I like to be with people [I don't work age 62] and do have some other health problems. I have been where you are, which I will not go into, but if you can see you doctor and get out there and do something. I am now really looking forward to it and if I don't get the vol job, well who knows. I wish you all the luck in the world and I send big kisses. XXX

[sheffield1978 in reply to tidi]

i like to be alone feel under pressure when surrounded i cant even have sunday dinner with my dads lot i hope you enjoy your job though x

[tidi]

I just wanted to add that I have rang the samaritans at least 3 times and although they do great work my Doctor gave me a number free call 24/7 who were wonderful. I can't remember the number but I know it starts with a 0800.. It might be worth having a talk with him/her. We are all thinking of you and always remember you are not alone! Big hugs and kisses XxX

[sheffield1978 in reply to tidi]

no voice when i feel like this all my throat and chest go tight

[coatpin]

Hun, you need to make an urgent appointment with the gp, if you cant go out, ask for a home visit!! now. It is just showing how ill you have become. The mind is going ten times to the dozen, and it needs to calm,,, (this was what I was like when I was having a breakdown)

2 weeks, I didnt sleep for,,, I was like a wound up doll. She gave me enough to knock out a horse, it didnt touch me.

Stop drinking coffee, or tea, or smoking if possible the tea and coffee, they are stimluants. Your body can become very sensitive. (ultra sensitive) Its called overdrive, or burn out,,, is what i have called it.

Take care and call that gp!!!

[sheffield1978 in reply to coatpin]

is that why my head hurts at the slightest noise i have had to lock the cat out her paws on the floor x

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Sarah see my message above

Love sue xx

[coatpin in reply to sheffield1978]

You willbe ultra sensitive to everything. just hang on,, see that gp!!

[sheffield1978 in reply to coatpin]

i tried and failed yesterday dont think its fair to keep making appoinments and not turning up the gp knows how i feel as a friend posted a letter she did call but i couldnt answer

[sheffield1978 in reply to sheffield1978]

you will be pleased to know i went today my gp wasnt in and it was both males doing home visits would that be ok or they would send someone for me he was even nice enough to book me in when the were shut over dinner now awating the crisis team

[Suzie40]

Slight little noises making you angry is a sign of apergers, but also of lots of other things. I can only echo what your friends on here have already said. You need some support. If you can't talk, you can email the Samaritans. The reply is not instant, but its something good to look forward to. The address is on their website x

[sheffield1978 in reply to Suzie40]

i have back to the letter writing x

[poppyd]

hi

some years ago i experienced a little of what you are going through relating to your reaction to noise- please write down how you are feeling if you cant speak the words and give it to your doctor asap- my heart goes out to you- sending you a lot of love- hope you get the help you need- you dont have to suffer babe. xxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to poppyd]

its awful i havent slept now in 3 days havent moved from the stairs since yesterday i did write it down after i couldnt get to my appointment yesterday and a friend dropped it into the surgery for me but when they phoned i couldnt answer they left a message to call back this morning but i dont want to waste another appointment if i cant move from the stairs to get a drink x

[poppyd]

cant your friend speak to them for you- on the phone in your house?

[sheffield1978 in reply to poppyd]

surgery is closed now until tomorrow but she doesnt know whats going on anyway she would drag me to a+e which wouldnt help all the noise and people what a joke i am

[Hidden]

Hi

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I don't know your history but it sounds to me that you are experiencing symptoms of trauma whereby things have happened to you that have overwhelmed your capacity to speak about them and even moving has become too much. Obviously I do not know what those things are, only you know. You are able to write on this website so I am wondering whether you feel able to begin to write about the trauma you have experienced, perhaps a little at a time? It can be helpful to write and is often easier than going out and speaking to someone in person. I'm wondering whether the trauma you have experienced goes back into your childhood, to a time when you were unable to speak about things or perhaps even were told not to? I don't know what has happened, but you are clearly feeling traumatised. Whatever happened it was not your fault but was too much for you to cope with at the time. Can you try try writing so that we can offer you some support with the emotions that are preventing you from seeking and using help? Suexx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

its just safe sta on the stairs i dont know why the losing my voice when stressed started when i found my sister dead in her cot at 4 months old i was 7 my voice is there i can speak my throat just closes up although now that could be a touch of dehydration yes i was abused i was past round a ring but i cant even write what happened not even for myself i trie a gp appoinment yesterday but couldnt face leaving the house my friend posted a letter and they called but i couldnt speak so no point answering my gp left a message to get in touch today but im not going to waste another appoinment when i cant even walk downstairs for a drinkmaybe see if my friend will post another letter asking for a home visit on the other side of day 2 on the stairs the skip and the house clearence people are booked soon i wont have to think of any of this no more x

[Hidden]

Hi

I am really shocked by what happened to you! Finding your sister dead will have been a major trauma for such a young child and being abused within a ring will have resulted in massive trauma too! I reallly feel for you. I do hope you find a way to find a therapist via your GP at some point as you clearly need that kind of help and are entitled to it within the NHS - abuse also results in dissociation which means it is hard to understand at times what is going on within your feelings. I am not sure, do you have children with you? If so that will make things harder for you as seeking help will be scary in terms of what might happen to the children. If you do not have children living with you then I think you might ask your friend to ask for a home visit and make sure that she explains that you feel unable to leave the stairs - you need a mental health assessment - however scary that is it is one way to ensure someone begins to realise that you are in serious need of help.

What do you mean the house clearance people are booked?! I do hope you are not thinking of suicide - if you do that then your abusers will have won. Are they still abusing other people I wonder too. When you feel desperate please phone the Samaritans - they are lovely people who are well trained just to listen and not to judge and I've always found phoning them has helped - even though they don't solve the problems being able to talk to someone does ease the pain.

How are you managing to drink? If your friend is getting drinks for you then perhaps she can be there to let the GP in if you ask for a visit during the afternoon and explain how you don't feel able to leave the stairs. Your friend would be helping you if she explains that to your GP, not talking with the receptionist but saying she is worried and needs to speak to the GP personally. It may worry you to think of speaking with a psychiatrist, but they usually have good understanding and a duty psychiatrist would call at the house and find a way to ensure they were able to talk to you without you leaving the stairs - maybe your friend could leave a key with someone and explain that when asking someone to call.

You need the support, it's not possible to cope with so much abuse on your own, none of it was your fault so please let someone help you.

Do let me and other people on the website know how you are, we will be thinking of you,

Suexx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi sue

dont really remember her dying or any of the events around it when i have spoke to my brother since he filled in the details about the police and social services it was cot death by the way he says i also didnt speak for weeks after as i no longer have contact with my family i cant check.we fell out because my mum refuses to claim her organs back she was part of the organ scandal a few years ago they have her heart and one of her kidneys i havent been to the cemerty since i found out whats the point when shes not all there

they won the day they walked from court so did my stepdad my mums uncle died before trial selfish bastard this is the same as my sisters death tho alot i cant remember its just smells etc that sometimes make me remember

i emailed samartians this morning obviously its going to take time for them to reply my stupid voice

my friend thought it was a routine hospital letter she was posting i know if i told her how i am feeling she would drag me to hospital any way she could even through the police and i cant do with all the people and the noise

i drank a ltr of brandy in the morning yeserday then nothing

i promised myself i would be honest on here because we all feel the same so im not thinking of suicide more tying up loose ends i dont understand why my heart hasnt failed yet that would be kinder to my dad

no one has a key to my house and i cant even go and feed the poor cat whos been locked out since yesterday so i dont think i could open the door even to someone i know

[Hidden]

Hi

You have been traumatised by what happened with your sister and I guess you were also really angry with your mum for not claiming the organs back because it leaves your little sister incomplete - I think that is probably why you are having problems resolving the grief too, because things are incomplete.

As for the abusers, I know my uncle died before I discovered he's abused other children including his own. I agree it's all sorts of little things like smells that bring things back, you clearly have PTSD and could be helped by specialist therapy so that although you will never forget what happened to you it is possible for the emotions to be softened so that there is sadness rather than anger and pain. Do seek help for that once you have been seen.

You can phone Samaritans and talk to someone immediately!

Do tell your friend, ask her not to drag you to hospital but tell her honestly how you are feeling, it would be sad if you died for want of asking for the help you need, your friend would feel guilty as well. If you can't do with Police and noise just ask your friend to ask the GP to get a psychiatrist to call and to be there with you to let them in when he/she comes. They will understand and will not call the Police so long as you talk quietely with them, they want to help you.

It's good to hear that you are not thinking of suicide, but as you are tying up loose ends you are thinking you may not be there which suggests it is a passive way of hoping you will die rather than killing yourself. So you are suicidal. You need help. Ask your friend to help you and be with you when the psychiatrist comes. You will feel much better once you have been seen and know someone will be thinking about the help you need.

Poor kitty! Can't your friend let the cat in? Also how are you going to the loo! You can't stay on the stairs forever, it will make an awful smell.

Do trust your friend or if not her then trust someone at the Samaritans by phone.

I'm glad you are writing here. Keep writing about what has happened to you as the more you can talk about it with people here the easier things will become.

And stop drinking the brandy! That will just make you sick which will solve nothing and make you feel a lot worse!

Suexx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi sue

she is incomplete and i think she is selfish because altho i understand she is her mum what about me and my brother we were there too sign the paperwork let me get them

as i cant go to the hospital under my own steam she would drag me and if she couldnt move me she would get the police involved

i know im suicidal i dont hope to die i am going to die its only because i dont want my dad to have to clear the house i am willing to wait for a skip but everything else is sorted

i trust my friend a bit but im not going to dump this on her oh yeah the skip people are coming because im goning to kill myself now that would make her feel guilty for not trying harder to get in the house this morning

the lady next door but one text to say she has the cat she took her in when it was raining and assumed i was out because the house is in darkness

dont drink anything and then you wont need the toilet but that could be the pain in my back my kidneys under protest well fuck off im not moving

i know i cant stay here forever i need to get a bath wash off the caked on blood its just when i think about moving i panic

its taking so much effort to put my thoughts on here and then when i read it back i have to delete and start agin i dont think i will ever talk about the abuse again i dont want to relive it if i can help it i know i cant stop the falshbacks and nightmares but why pass the buck to someone else

i simply drank the brandy yesterday morning to slow my mind down to sleep i have been awake now since about 3 sunday morning and im so tired im seeing things this is going to be a fun night x

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hi

You are angry and have a right to be angry after what has happened. Your mum should have let you have peace about your sister and bury her, then you and your brother would have had closure.

Where is your brother now? Is he still alive? I wonder how he is coping with what happened. I wonder how he will cope with your death.

If you decide to die no-one will be able to stop you. Your friend will feel guilty as will your Dad, all the people who know you will feel guilty - but you have a right I think to make the decision for yourself. I would never try to stop someone killing themselves, I don't have the right to do that. The sad thing is that dying will not really help you. The flashbacks and nightmares will stop, but they can be helped to stop without dying - I used to have nightmares, head-banging, flashbacks, terror, etc but I don't have any of them now - I do get depressed sometimes and feel grief sometimes, but I also have some VERY happy times and do not have the torture that you are experiencing. You can be helped within therapy but if you decide you are too angry to want to be helped then you will succeed in killing yourself and that will be sad as it is a waste of the happier life you might have had. If you talk with someone about the abuse you fear re-living it but if you work with someone experienced you will will experience a release of the emotion and reduction in the stress you feel - it takes courage, but maybe you feel you don't have any of that at the moment. It must be difficult for you to believe your feelings can change, why should you after what happened to you. Why should you trust anyone - I used to feel that. Talking doesn't mean going over everything that happened, it means someone validating your feelings and enabling you to express your anger and pain in ways that move you out of those feelings into a better place. At the moment you are too angry to let go, it sounds as though you have made up your mind that it will not be possible to ever change the way you feel - I think you are wrong but it's what you feel that matters

What do you mean about passing the buck to someone else? I'm not sure what you mean about that.

I understand about the brandy numbing feelings, sometimes when it's all too much the only thing to do is to find some way not to feel so much and to be able to sleep.

Where's the blood from? Is it from your period or are you hurt physically? Your kidneys will be hurting because if you do not get enough to drink they will

gradually pack up so you will be hurting.

I can't hope you have a good nights sleep or feel better in the morning because probably you won't but I do hope you let someone help you otherwise you will have a painful death and that is sad and unnecessary. You will have let the abusers destroy you instead of fighting back. What happened to them, did they get prosecuted? I hope they did, I agree they are bastards! Probably the same thing was done to them that's the sad thing. Was your brother abused too, or did they just save it for the girls? I hope they did get prosecuted or they will still be doing it to other children.

I'll be going to bed soon, but I will be thinking of you as well. I don't like the idea of your being alone and in pain but I can't do anything to help you. Night. I hope you are still there in the morning.

Suexx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi sue

i dont know what happened to the reply i sent this morning im just glad i wrote it down

i think im angry at my mum because they have her heart

i have no idea where my brother is we havent spoken for about 5 years he started counselling when he was 10 to do with survivour guilt and the fact that was when i left home we were always close until then

i am really grateful that you respect my decisions makes it so much easier to open up why would it not helptoo much going round in my head and if it stops it im fine with that can i just say i think ur amazing

why do you think im too angry to let go im curious

passing the buck was the wrong term to use i dont want to put too much on here because if someones scrolling when they are low i dont want to cause anyone on here any pain

there should be a way to print off your replys to take to ur dr they give a real time account say for overnight or something i dont know tired brain

some of the blood is from monday and some from when i have done stuff i havent had a bath since monday thats not right i normally go in 2 maybe3 times a day

as you predicted still no sleep i dont even know how many hours that is now

no one was prosecuted but that was mainly down to me i dont know how many times i have heard these statistics over the years one of my brother was abused by my step dad his dad and then he went on to abuse 4 of our siblings and i know he is still the same treatment doesnt work for them put them in a room with a victim just not their own my mum used to say look what you do thats all abuse girls abuse them selves men abuse others but sorry if you have felt like that you would never want to put another living soul thro it let alone a child

anyway enough on that now

i moved and then went into a total panic could hear people knocking and laughign i had to get out good excuse to take a letter to the dr i wasnt supposed to end up in town or back home with rope burns even on my neck im crap at protecting it latelyi must have been wasted cos i was stripped when i woke he must of thought im mad but didnt stop him did it

i think i was better on the stairs cant keep still now need to pacecant really spare the enegy hope you slept

sarah x

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hi Sarah

I'm glad you could find at least one smile, that's lovely, thank you! I'm glad you are live too. It's never worth letting the abusers win, they gain power and learn nothing that way.

What do you mean they have your mum's heart - do you mean literally or are you talking about them having her feelings? I didn't understand that bit.

How sad about your brother, that he felt guilt about being a survivor, that's so common but it means the abusers damaged other people as well as the ones they abused, it is so sad. Can you manage to contact your brother if you wanted to, or would he not want to see you? You and he share some background experiencies, same parents, etc, and probably have a lot of love to offer one another. Is he your only relative alive now? I have a sister but have no contact with her, she treats me as if I am stupid for saying I wasn't happy as a child because she remembers me as being happy - of course I DID seem happy, I was good at hiding how I felt but crying myself to sleep with teddy. I'm sure you know all about hiding how you feel!

What I meant about being too angry to let go was that when awful things happen to us, traumatic things, then we can feel so angry when we do get in touch with the feelings that we actually don't want to let go - I know that feeling too - we want to remain angry and hurting because it feels like the only way we have of holding onto what happened to us and punishing the world for having let it happen. I've known about my abuse for years but still hold onto anger about it because I feel no-one really knows what it was like, how awful it was - and of course the sad thing is that they do not know because they never can know - because it is past. We can't take people back into the past and show them what happened to us so there is always the feeling that no-one can ever know and that creates anger, and so the circular pattern goes on. Anger stops us from grieving for the little (and not so little) child within us that was so hurt. That child needs loving and comforting and looking after in the way that we weren't looked after.

The reason why I would always feel that the decision about suicide is yours, is that you have been abused enough by people taking away your power. The one right you have and that I believe no-one should ever take away from you is the right to live or die. That is your right and unless they kill you no one can take that away from you. It's one thing the abusers did not get. If you decide to live then you are asserting that right and proving to them that they did not win, the bastards! They hurt you but you survived, you can feel proud of that because it demonstrates that you are stronger than them, that they are weak for having tried to destroy a child, how pathetic they were. That's my view anyway. I do also feel sad for them - they must have been abused emotionally at least to have had so little ability to care and respect for other children.

Your stepdad sounds like my uncle who abused everyone (children) he came in contact with. People who do that are really damaged people, sick because they do not have any real ability to care and little ability to realise how much damage they do - they have shut off from their own feelings and leave other people with all the pain. It's sad. I hope your stepdad is dead now, if he isn't then I hope you publicly name and shame him by writing his name on every website you come across, let the world know what he did to you and your siblings.

You keep being traumatised because it is the only way you know of holding onto the past, of reliving it in order to ensure it isn't forgotten. When you are able to write it all down, look it in the face, talk about it with all the anger and pain, and know other people feel as angry for you as you feel for yourself, then you will stop hurting.

I can understand your feeling panicky now, any change will bring about that fear. Just go with what you feel. If you feel you need to stay in one place then do that and if you need to pace then do that, it's your body and your life.

I don't understand the abit about rope burns and waking being stripped, did you go out and let yourself be used? It's sad that you don't know how to protect yourself, but understandable. How can you know how when you were not protected by other people when you were a child. Why wasn't your mum protecting you!! That's what I mean about angry. Your mum should have been making sure your stepdad didn't abuse you and when she found out he was doing that she should have gone to the Police and had him prosecuted. You were the child and needed her protection. Where was your Dad? Did you ever know him, I wonder whether he is alive now.

I'm going out now until quite late but I will come back on the website when I come home to see how you are. I hope you manage to have a bath as that will make you feel cleaner emotionally as well as bodily.

Take care of yourself if you can,

Suexx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi sue hope you have had a good day

i had to give you at least 1 smile i am a smily person when all is right yes im still here although i very nearly wasnt maybe u sent me a guardian angel but we wont go into it x

i did just mean regards her feelings but nearly literally when the police got in tough about it

i know the company he works for but hr changed regions for promotion he wouldnt want to see me he never got over me leaving i have quite a large family 8 brothers 3 sisters 2 lots of parents aunts and uncles but i dont speak to none of them

no he was never prosecuted but they day the police took him from work is enough to bring a smile she arrested him in the canteen how i wish to have been a fly on that wall he lives overlooking a private nursery the playground of all things and yeah they know who he is so do all his mums neighbours when i asked him to admit it i did name and shame him at work as well with a pair of sheets sown toghther and red paint telling everyone what he did and who to I got arrested and am now banned from the grounds

my mum never knew about the abuse she fainted when the social worker told her there is no blame for me and one brother but then when she knows the signs how could she miss it a second time i suppose above all its good she believed me

my mum left my dad when i was 18 months old waited until my dad was on the rigs then left i never seen him again until my mum ddumped me on his doorstep at 10 his wife hated me she was pregnant with my brother at the time and told him to choose hello kids home * years ago i got a call out of the blue from his current wife so we met and i said i will never forgive what youu did but i understand then 3 years later does the same with the current wife so no thank you i dont want his fake ass

i ended up going to the surgery a male on call or we can send someone for you he even gave up some of his lunch so i could go when surgery was closed i am now waiting for he crisis team will keep you posted

sarahxxx

oh yes i had a bath

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hi Sarah

I'm glad you had a bath, you will feel bodily better for that at least.

I hope things go well with the crisis team. I haven't read the rest of your blog yet but will do so now.

Keep us all informed about how things are for you - if you want to that is. I was thinking of you yesterday when I went to see a friend.

Suexxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

thanks sue thats so nice of you the crisis team have been out this morning to do an assessment didnt look good them walking into my house all trashed does it but to be honest i really am too tired to care

sarah x

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hi Sarah, I haven't been on the website for a bit - a long story dealing with my own series of events - but I'm glad you allowed them in. I'll read further on tomorrow and do hope things are a little better for you. Suexxx

[Aurora-auspice]

Dearest Sheffield, I hope all you are reading shows you how much we care and empathise! You have been through Hell and although you feel so bad paralysed on the stairs with your present feelings you are an amazingly strong person who has survived. Now it is time to take a final step of courage to let someone help you! Unload some of the burden to give yourself chance to heal!

Has your surgery got a web site? If it has you could email your doctor you don't have to put anything about your experiences just your present situation, then they can adjust protocols to suit you. I can't answer the phone either can't let people in the house but have worked out something that works for me with my doctor. I'm sure yours can do the same they are used to people missing appointments so don't worry you're not wasting their time!

I really hope you get help soon you have been tortured and the behaviours that have resulted are not your fault. Support from your doctor and these sites will help get you through!

Take care keep fighting

Aurora xxx

[Hidden in reply to Aurora-auspice]

Hi Sheffield

Wish I could take some of that pain away for you..

.I agree with Aurora you need to take that final step of courage and get some help..you have obviously been a very strong person to cope with the awful things that have happened so far in your life....

.she mentions checking your surgery web site I know mine has an email option....you have to get yourself some help now....

Thinking of you and wishing you to remain strong and get that much needed help......

Love and hugs to you

Let us know how you are we all care

Sue xxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

thanks sue it means more than you know because i know your suffering to i just wish i could help but i cant i am sorry

sarah xx

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hey that's ok...my problems seem like nothing compared to yours...I have good and bad days...I read your messages regularly and hope you will get some help....I notice you say you got a key and a letter to your Dr...

I would imagine you will hear something soon...??I'm thinking of you Sarah wish I could help you more

Lots of love sue xx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

One thing you should know is that you mustn't blame yourself...others have said that on here and it is so so true....

Thinking of you xxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

i went to the surgery it was a male on call waiting for the crisis team x

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hey so pleased you did that....bet that was tough for you to do...but you still did it....

Did they give any indication how long you have to wait...so pleased. You did it...

Sending you a big hug ...thinking of you

Love sue xxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

no so now i can see why the dr wanted to keep me at the surgery

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Ok I see , so you back home again...waiting there...

You took a massive step there...well done Sarah....

Xxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

waiting and watching what i do best

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

I read your reply to sue ....(aurora)

I hope having a bath made you feel a little better I'm sure.

Hopefully not too long a wait now....

You mentioned in one of your replies it's a shame you can't print off what you have written on here..I agree with you...it is a good account of things for you, should you wish to share with anyone...

You have been through such a lot....

Love sue xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You can print them off, I have done that twice as it was helpful to hold onto the fact that people care and not have to find my way back to the blogs. Hope you are feeling ok at this time. Suexx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

thanks so much that will really help when i go to my first appointment as i know my voice will go we talked about a little this morning i dont think that they were coming todat but she could hear me on the phone that is a really good idea because i would like to looks back on all the brilliant guidence you have all given me and do you know what i feel less suicidal today how good is that im not going to push it and ask for sleep as well

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hi Sarah

I'm glad they came out to you today..and yes great idea to print off this..

Glad you have now got the ball rolling to get some help too...

Who knows you may even get a little sleep, I know you don't want to push it but now you have achieved more on the help front you may feel slightly better I hope so...

Thinking of you...I know it's tough..but you have done so well...

Love sue xxxx

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Sorry got it wrong in my last reply the reply you did was for secondhand rose....who is also sue...too many sues on here

Hopefully they won't be long now...you have come so far in all this since your first message, well done.....

You have lots of people thinking of you on here xxx

Xxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Aurora-auspice]

i moved and that didnt help i really cant go into explaining it again i need to move the drs has another letter and a key i have explain that they cant just send anyone i think i would really freak out if a male came through the door

i dont understand why im not attcking them when they touch my neck i put my ex on his arse once and he was 6ft and i think i have worked out why the top of the stairs no windows and all the doors are closed

[Aurora-auspice]

Dearest Sheffield ,

That makes so much sense, it might represent a place inaccessible to others, a safe place! And it might be enough for now so long as you can stop punishing yourself for things that are not your fault! Working out for yourself what you are doing and why is all that therapy is (which gives you the chance to negotiate the proper coping mechanisms for you to personalize them) and you are doing that already which shows how much inner strength you have. The next step is channelling it in the right direction! That's why help from experienced people in this area makes it easier and less likely to utterly overwhelm you!

If I understand you correctly, you've written, and managed to get a letter delivered to your doctor explaining your physical and emotional situation and needs, and given them a way to access your home to help you within your safety boundaries???

If that is the case it is great that you have found that last bit of strength to give others the opportunity to help you it really is great!

Just remember no matter what; YOU are in control in this process even if you are not sure you can believe that sometimes!!!

If someone comes to help that you are uncomfortable with for any reason, just a hand up will stop them and get them to check on your requirements! But if you can just put your trust in someone once more even though you have been betrayed over and over by people that YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TRUST without question; the people from the doctors and psychological services are there because they truly want to help!!! They often have their own personal history of abuse and betrayal though rarely as bad as yours, (like many of the people on this site) but that is why it eventually becomes possible to say what you need to say! They will hear it or read it with compassion and understanding not judgement and control like well meaning friends! Then self-confidence can build enough to start choosing more: realising you deserve more and not accepting blame for things that as a child and vulnerable adult you can't have possibly controlled!

You are an extremely brave and courageous lady and I really hope you will trust us here and continue to let us know how you progress! You are a survivor already and with the help you seem to be reaching out for now you really have a chance at fighting for more than just existence!

At the moment though the only thing to focus on is existence then other possibilities can open up for you!!!

I am thinking of you and hoping for you and judging by these other posts am far from being alone in wishing you everything that is best!!!

Much love Aurora xxxxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Aurora-auspice]

but i can control what im doing to myself now so why havent i protected all the bits i normally go down fighting for even the police have only ever put me in cuffs 12 years old and i got so worked up the policeman cried

i have got to say tho you guys on here have been amazing i would have killed myself hours ago if it hadnt been for u that said im sticking to my plans wonder how long its going to take for the dr to turn up you dont think loads of people are going to turn up do you i hope not wish i could watch from the window

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hello

I've just messaged you further up, don't worry you are in control...I doubt a lot of people would turn up..

Well done Sarah you are such a strong person I hope help comes for you soon, you deserve it...

We are all thinking of you..

Lots of love sue xxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

i just got a vision of before when i woke to find 3 paramedics and 8 policeman in my bedroom i wouldnt be able to take this today

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

I don't think they have that many people available to send I'm sure there won't be many at all...

How long you been back home do you know....

Xxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

i was back here for 1ish

mind you they wouldnt send a rapid response car would they its not my heart so 2 paramedics then and 8 police is the minimum they will send for me to do with restraint im not that bad honest if they dont hurry up i am going to get to the point where i cant let them in

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

No they won't send that many at all.....

Where are you in the house now did you go back to sit on the stairs ??

Xx

[Aurora-auspice in reply to sheffield1978]

I don't think loads of people will come, they are experienced and know the disadvantage of overwhelming a vulnerable person experiencing hyper vigilance!

Your bewilderment at not fighting tooth and nail at the moment is normal it really is. No matter how strong you are when you get overwhelmed we fall back to the part of our brain that can only fight, flee or freeze and when you have battled for so long and are suffering from sleep deprivation lack of nutrition and alcohol poisoning the system shuts down and protects you in only way it can and that is to freeze! Like a rabbit in headlights! Even cats (naturally predatory) can be seen to freeze and stare at a car headlights in the dark! It's a way to remain safe while you determine the level of threat!

You should be very proud of yourself waiting for and accepting help do stay in contact and if there is anything I can do for you here or you just want to vent just send a message or post!!!

Much love and no thanks needed I just feel so deeply for you and know all of us feel the same!!! Aurora xxxooooxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Aurora-auspice]

its only a stroke of luck im here and i asked for the help and 5 hours later im still waiting

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hang on in there ! Hope they come soon....

I have empathised with you all the way through this Sarah...I only recently started CBT therapy and it brought up my childhood, I should have had therapy a long time ago..I would never ask for help, I realise now it was stupid of me....

It has certainly started to help me now...I have a long way to go but I've made the steps..

Thinking of you

Sue xxxx

[Aurora-auspice in reply to sheffield1978]

Let's hope it won't be much longer! I would have hoped for a quicker response but perhaps you were very polite. Maybe they haven't received your communication yet?!? Or they are trying to find suitable person so that you are not startled or over stressed. As Sue said "hang in their". It really is worth it i can echo the things she said. The therapy system grinds slowly but once you are in it it can be life changing!!!

Take care presh' you can do it! Xxx

[Hidden]

Hi Sarah

I hope they have now been and you are getting some help..I hope so..

Good luck with it all..and well done for seeking help...

Be lovely to hear how you get on..

Love sue xxx

[sheffield1978]

hi i mentally cant reply to you all now but wanted to keep you all up to date the crisis team never turned up the police did and told me basically i go or they are taking me who wants man handling by a group of coppers arrived at a+e to be half dragged by the male pc as we went through the ambulance bay a big queue they wouldnt let me wait outside the door so i had to stand with people looking at me this was half 6 at 1 am yes a whole 12 hours after they were called they turned up and after i had endured 7 hours in a+e the crisis team let me leave because i wouldnt more like couldnt talk came home and completely trashed the house so now i am back to square 1 but like i told the police and staff at the i will never ask for help again ever im so upset and angry right now

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hi

I really don't know what to say about your experiences last night! It is a mad world. Are you awake now? I hope so.

You didn't say - are you living alone now, or do you have children with you? I'm wondering because it seems you need to be somewhere safe and are unable to find anywhere where you will be safe but still be looked after and not re-abused. I think it would help you to see a psychiatrist but I imagine you will feel angry at that suggestion - I'm not suggesting you are mad because you are NOT but all that has happened to you is making you behave in chaotic and self-destructive ways. I think if you have not seen a psychiatrist then doing so and taking a print out of all you've written on the website during the last few days might help someone understand how desperate you are but how you are unable to speak about your state.

Are you still there? I hope so.

Suexx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

awake i still havent slept its made me so angry because this is the first time i have ever asked anyone for help ever hey i dont mind if your calling me mad we all have a little madness in our genetic make up in fact it got me that mad i came home and completely tashe4d the house and i knew im not being parinoid the lady from next door keeps looking through my front door and telling me to come to the door i wonder if she reported me for all the noise i made but do you know what i loved it all that smashing will it just print mine tho confidentiality is important with things like this did you know even the police have a copy of the letters i wrote to the gp now is this wrong or is it just me if the had asked i wouldnt have said no

and as you can tell im here just at a loss what to do

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hi Sarah

Like sue (secondhand rose) its difficult to know what to say..

I agree with her in respect of you getting help from a professional ..I guess you would need to request to be referred by your Dr...

You have a lot written here in this blog ...which explains how you are feeling, that you can show..

Love sue xxx

[sheffield1978]

so wish one of you wa s awake right about now

[Aurora-auspice]

Oh Sarah, I am so sorry that really is despicable and should not have happened to anyone and definitely not you!

I would have been awake during your last post but I don't seem to be getting any of my alerts at the moment though I think you have a good bond that will be even more helpful with both Sue's and that is very therapeutic it helps so much to have mutual support and shared experiences!

I am so pleased you were still here and so angry with your doctor. I have been lucky the last 7 years and haven't had that sort of treatment since I found this doctor!

My medication is running low this evening and I am struggling to focus and I really don't want you to misinterpret me or read the wrong way anything I may say .... It is one of my traits with my problems and I am probably misunderstanding or possibly assuming things incorrectly!

It sounds as if:

you don't want or like the idea of family support at this time and want to work through your own feelings without their involvement just yet?

You certainly don't seem to have a sensitive g.p surgery perhaps they focused in on drugs instead of mental health and support?

And that although you have good friends you don't want to burden them but also not to involve them too much just yet because they tend to take over a little and do what they think is good for you rather than listening?

Is any of this even nearly close? I am so sorry if it isn't!

I understand your anger after recent events but unfortunately that would not have been able to happen if we had managed to get you an intermediary, an advocate!

I had someone from Advocacy Alliance after a few experiences similar to your description of this one. Her name was Wendy and she was just as Sue sounds on here! She helped me by enforcing others to respect my control of the situation she dealt with the phone and became my voice until I could talk for myself.

A friend has a Social prescriber from Mind who advocates for her doing the same things even accompanies her to the doctor hospital and counselling appointments stays in the room until my friend says she wants privacy (which is easier to say to strangers)

An acquaintance that I knew at college has someone from survivors and now that he is in mental health services for his counselling he has been given the support of a Key Worker through the NHS who will advocate for him practically with filling in forms and making phone calls and emotionally being available for him when he is most vulnerable!

If you haven't let their unpleasant inhumane handling of your very sensitive situation overwhelm you too far it would be really good if we can organise and help you get yourself an advocate which is why everyone likes to see if there are any people you can trust to call on. You would be much better not being alone!

I just don't understand what happened with the crisis team. When they came to me they were always a pair (but that is for their safety and yours) and one was always a volunteer who had some connection professionally with the mental health service and the other was a psychiatric nurse the first time and second when I had an advocate to speak for me was a nurse with mental health services. They assessed my threat level and got me to a Psychiatrist almost immediately, I don't know if they might have called the police if they were going to have me committed but that would have needed a psychiatrist and doctor I think?

A friend was committed for her own safety last week and it went well she said but on previous occasions she has experienced similar treatment at the hands of police and mental health services in our area.

Actually before her present problems she was lecturing medical professionals on bedside manner with vulnerable people in mental health services!

I really hope you are still fighting! You are so worth it! You are a remarkable person that has suffered a lot and I can see you pulling together an amazing future once you get real support!

I hear the same strength, compassion and talent in Sue's responses and intuitive enquiries and posts ... Potentially a winning team though you may both struggle to believe it it is said from careful observation as fact!!!

Much love hope it all makes sense because I am unable to proof read as very off in my head at the moment, ironic that I can still 'talk' a lot (a symptom of my prob too)

Much love presh I could hug you!!! (If I could bear touch) xxx

Oh I fortog that I can't do smileys I was hoping for the wink and smile smiley as looks so sweet and lifts my spirits a bit.

[sheffield1978 in reply to Aurora-auspice]

hi Aurora

it just felt awful because i had finally asked my dr for help and then all that happened its all just wrong i would never do it again my surgery is actually a good one i found out it was the GP that phoned the police becasue he couldnt get hold of me and was concerned

how come your low on meds dont take this wrong u havent done anything have you?

no that i would judge

you are a smart person or telepathic i think

i dont want or need my family in my life and right about now i can hear my mums words just pull yourself together there is nowt wrong with you smile this is the last thing i need at the minute

with my friends i dont like to burden and i dont want them to know guess im scared it would alter friendships. a couple of friends came last night more than anything to keep me safe (they didnt know) but after a couple of hours i had to kick them out because i couldnt do with their comments

.off your head how? i hope your ok and i am sending u a hug but i feel the same x

[sheffield1978 in reply to sheffield1978]

that was supposed to say wouldnt x

[Aurora-auspice in reply to sheffield1978]

Awwwww! Sheffield thank you so much so kind of you to ask! I'm bit sleepless too at moment, I set fire to kitchen yesterday, allowed one of the stallions to escape, couldn't stop crying at the sight of poor pigeon who'd fallen down chimney crawled to corner of the dining room and died the little lifeless body was heartbreaking and I presume his partner was the one flapping round the room also from chimney that first got my attention, then I forgot I'd left the hose on so flooded a paddock then lost the Sunday joint to the dog and feeding the other occupant of the house is sort of my rent for dossing on the sofa as a sort of permanent squatter with my dog! I have been feeling so much better on my new meds with my new diagnosis and as quite rightly surmised I was doing something silly with my meds but not intentionally at all!

There was a mix up at the dispensing chemist and I got a much lower dose almost half my prescribed dose and being a controlled substance they don't stock it so I've had to wait for right dose which should be there by tomorrow! I've been on half dose about 5 or 6 days and although it didn't seem to effect me immediately it really has been since Friday until yesterday I was completely irrational unable to focus and dashing around as always but not able to stay with a task or think clearly or sit still more than 10 seconds or remember things and focus long enough to prevent fires floods and emotional breakdowns!

Actually in someways I wish I could have filmed the day as I experienced it ........I think it could have been a comedy best seller!

I was using all my usual reminders , alarms and list but just did not stand a chance of following them. I had been invited to a birthday lunch with a local group of fellow sufferers and although I was dashing round with the aim of going (I don't get out of house much normally not at all until very recently!) I was accidents one, clumsy and over emotional so in the end did not make it not even very late (which is my normal problem)!

Luckily they were amazingly understanding and forgiving but I feel humiliated, stupid and unreliable as I used to before I found out I had Aspergers and ADHD!

I think today I'm mainly just overtired and depressed but that is the response of my hypervigilence and past trauma!

It will be fine once I shake the infection and start my proper dose again - hopefully tomorrow.

With so many things going wrong for you it is so kind, compassionate and SO SO appreciated that you can offer such support and understanding!!!

I wish I was telepathic! I really do!

I know I have no family that I can contact for many reasons and thanks to my years of depression and risk taking even apparent aloofness I have just one friend and I only met her through mental health and volunteering at Mind with their befriending program. Unfortunately (I may have mentioned this before) she was committed over a week ago as has had serious lapse and has been cutting so her Father had her put in hospital forcibly or may have been sisters I am not sure we have only been able to text one another so far!

I am devastated for her AS I AM FOR YOU but at the same time it highlights how much I have withdrawn from society in every way!

I know that is unhealthy but it is so hard and experiences where people, services or protocols steam-roller over you knock me back in the way they do you! I feel as if I am there - silly I know - but if I haven't experienced it myself I have been with someone who has. That's why my friend volunteered to help with the drive within mental health services to speak to student doctors and describe what it is like for people like us when we are hauled off somewhere or are forced to stay in busy waiting areas without something familiar and calming like hospital waiting areas. Most of my appointments now I am allowed to wait outside in the car park or pacing nearby and they ring me to let me know it is free of excess people & I can go in but I have to admit it was my Advocate that first arranged it for me but once I knew it was an option I do it for anything I feel will tip my anxiety to a level where I want to hurt myself to any degree!

I really wanted that for you!!! I am hoping that you might have it by now though I can't focus enough to filter through all the messages to identify time lines. Which is very much my Aspergers ADHD problem, it happens with depression too ...... You know that awful stage where you can read the same line of a book or magazine a hundred times and STILL not know what you have read! Like every word you read filters straight through the brain like water through a sieve? VERY FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!

Many hugs and it's nice that you understand not bearing touch but it is so nice when someone says they feel they would like to hug you, to hug the pain away wait it turning to some sort of sexual advance!

I hope crisis team managed to finally provide you with appropriate and compassionate levels of practical and emotional support and that you don' get put on long waiting list for counselling and psychological services. I am sure I read earlier someone else thought it more than likely that you are suffering severe PTSD at the very least so counselling and probably meds will really help you when they are prescribed and are right ones for you of course that can be a long process for some people because there are so many and it takes time to see if they are working efficiently for you or just partially!

So hugs galore and the very very best of wishes for you and so many thanks for you return support

Much love Aurora xxx :

[Aurora-auspice in reply to Aurora-auspice]

Done it again I meant

[Aurora-auspice in reply to Aurora-auspice]

I really am quite hopeless and the length of my chats are hyper focus I'm afraid hope not boring! I must behave and get antibiotic and lunch before I start a whole new chat here. I must seem very crazy! Mother used to tell me I'd talk back legs of a donkey! Mmmmmmm. Probably could lol though don't know why she would think I would want to remove legs from a donkey!?! xxx

[Aurora-auspice]

Oh I can do smileys ..... Hope they put a warmth in your heart

[Hidden in reply to Aurora-auspice]

Hi Aurora

Sorry your not feeling good...it's lovely how we all support each other on here...further up on the many replies.... Sarah mentions she has had a visit from the crisis team today...

I'm sending you a hug Aurora too and hope you feel better soon...

Sarah has had so many supportive responses well over 70 on here now...its easy to miss a reply,

Love to you Aurora...

I'm hoping Sarah has managed to have a much needed sleep....

Sue xxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi sue

yes and i dont know what i would have done without a single 1 i am going to print it out and get a pretty folder i called them when i got home and explained how it felt at the hosppital was really nice in fact they offered to take me to the ward to do an assessment but i said no i didnt think they would let me go

i had a little cat nap and got woken by a nightmare but i cant really figure out what it is i still have a smile tho x

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hey good to hear you had a cat nap at least!!

So glad you have a smile you have been on some journey the last few days I bet your tired....I'm glad there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel right now...you have come a long way in a couple of days...well done...

Take all of the help offered Sarah ..

Yes good to print them out, you can show them if you find it difficult to say things, that's if you want to...

I'm sorry my responses are short, my concentration has been crap for a couple of days..

Thinking of you

Sue xxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi sue

im sorry your struggling anything i can help with? you have been good to me let me try return the favor.

sarah x

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

No don't be silly....I'm ok...I'm quite strong really I will be ok.....just read your other response saying your day is pants too...sorry to hear ..aw it's so nice you offer me help..we should just go in a room together and cry get it all out hey....

What is happening with you now...are the crisis team doing anything for you?? Will they visit again...you do need some help to get you through ...

Love sue xxxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi sue

i cant remember the last time i cried apart from anger i didnt even cry when my ex partner died but hey yeah lets find one

No thats it with the crisis team im alone again but its ok

sarah x

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

They reckon a good cry does you good,mi don't cry much either...I bet that's part of our problem

I hope your day gets better Hun....xxxxxxxxx

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Just read sues reply to you too, it makes a lot of sense..

If no plans in place maybe you should go the hospital...if you get the ball rolling that way you will get some help......xxxxxxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

i dont think i could stand a repeat from friday x

i hope my day gets better too

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hi Sarah

Not sure by what you say...are you going to see them again ?

Sue xxx

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

Hi again

I'm realising that I've replied to the wrong bit of your blog before, sorry, I have read some of this, but will carry on down. I still hope you are alright and that something good has come out of all this crisis team and hsopital stuff! Suexxx

[Hidden]

Hi Sarah

How are you today?

Thinking of you

Sue xxxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi sue

today is pants i dont want to be here x

im thinking of you to x

[Hidden]

Hi Sarah

I'm so glad you are feeling a bit better and have managed to have a sleep - that's great! The hospital would not keep you, all you have to do is trust them with the truth but at the same time make sure you continue to behave as an adult and not lose it with frustration over things - you CAN be helped to move beyond your past but I do know it is hard to trust. I still have anxiety over that and I've been turning to the same person for over 20 years - the past easily comes back to haunt me - but I've learned to still go on reaching out, to take the risk, and have found that the more I do that the more I am able to protect myself because I value myself more as a result of other people valuing me. You are worth looking after, give the child in you some love and care, help her grow up and come to enjoy the world rather than expect more of the same from the past.

I will go on thinking of you and I hope you keep writing your story here, it helps other people as well as yourself.

Suexxxxx

[Hidden]

Hi Sarah

I'm wondering how you are. You haven't written for a while - I haven't either, been dealing with some emotional stuff of my own but fine now - what about you? If you feel like writing do let me know.

Suexxx

[Hidden]

Hi Sarah

You haven't written for a while - are you ok? I hope so.

Suexx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Hidden]

hi sue

iknow i havent wrote for a while but im stuck i have an appointment with mental health on monday well im hoping they are coming i dont feel any less suicidal but just keep telling myself tomorrow is the day but dont know how long this will work for. from sleeping round the other week the gp thinks i may have caught something altho im not brave enough to have the swabs done yet and my arm is severly infected so i feel pants.

i did escape to a friends for a few days and slept most of that time a place i feel safe i suppose but came home yesterday because it was too loud she did try her best but how do you keep kids quiet?

im sorry this is short and i hope that your feeling a little better too

sarah xx

[Hidden]

Hi Sarah

I'm sorry you were feeling so rotten when you wrote last - are you still at home? Or maybe now you are in hospital. I've not been around for a while - off in space I reckon - no seriously very preoccupied, but I have thought of you a few times and now find you've not written so just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I hope things are ok for you right now. It sounds sometimes like you need a nice Mum's cuddle so have one from me. Suexxx

[sheffield1978]

hi sue

sorry you have been feeling preoccupied but how nice that you have thought of me it means alot thanks. Nothing very much has changed the cpn comes a couple of times a week he doesnt always get in we have had a few sessions with me at the top of the stairs and him at the bottom too. i got to the hospital but never stayed so glad i went voluntary otherwise they would make me stay. there is a meeting on the 24th with the psychiatrist and social services me and whoever i can talk into coming with me. im in court on thursday to try and keep me home my neighbour has put that many complaints in the council want to give me an asbo and take my home they can have it i could just do with no asbo. i will let you know the outcome to it all .

thinking of you

sarah xx

[coetzeegisela]

How to?

[sheffield1978 in reply to coetzeegisela]

how to what x