It's lovely here...had to come out of the house for a few hours..long story but had to act like I was coming out to work....had to give up work due to anxieties a couple of months ago..
I'm feeling so lonely and sad :(. To go from doing an active high profile role to spending my days when I can in my bedroom is tough...
Feel like I'm living a sad existence....trying hard to overcome my emotions...
Since finishing work, I'm having CBT and prescribed Citalopram by Dr, which it is my choice not to take....
Had lows in my life but nothing like this before....it's hard I'm such a private person and don't want everyone to know.....
My daughter knows I've stopped working and is v understanding but I've told her I want no one to know...I really don't.....
Some of what you have written sounds very many of my own blogs.
I am sorry you are in a bad way at the moment, it is not easy to come to terms with losing the status and self esteem of working I know.
If you are not happy taking the meds then don't despite the depression - you have to choose your own way of dealing with things. Meds help for a time but as soon as I come off them I'm back to square one and they are hard to come off and have dreadful side effects for me (I had tried different kinds) so never again. Follow your own thoughts about what you think will help you. Some people may say do what the medics say because they know best but actually they don't know, they use one particular set of evidence to treat people because it is measurable other forms of help such as therapy, support groups, this website, etc are harder to provide evidence for.
It must be hard for you as you are a private person - I used to be private but gradually over the years and as a result of having therapy I'm the opposite now and have a need to share how I feel as it is the only way I find of overcoming depression.
You say you have had lows in your life before and I'm wondering whether the depression and anxiety goes back a long way and whether you know when it started, what triggered it. Sometimes it can help to understand symptoms and the links to experiences in the past especially when things in present day life re-trigger them.
It sounds like you feel shame about no longer being able to cope and I can understand those feelings as I feel similarly, but whatever the cause of your anxiety and depression it is not your fault and not the result of your being weak or otherwise a reason for shame. You need help and need to be able to care for yourself as well.
I hope you begin to feel better soon,
Suexx
Thank you sue..
I have hope that one day I will be back to my old self again.....and I hang on to that....
Some days are much worse than others as you no doubt know...today has been a low day...
Thank you so much for your input it does help to know you are not alone in this
I am having a bad day as well Sue. Been crying for no reason and generally feeling awful. i'm going to meet my work on Wednesday and i'm getting really wound up about it already x
Try to remember its the thoughts of it are always much worse...once there it won't be nearly as bad as you imagine ....at least we know we are not emotional today alone...let me know how you get on , on Wednesday....you will be ok.....but I understand how you feel
I'm sorry you feel so lonely. It's very hard. For me I felt like going from 2 extremes - feeling that everybody could mind read me and feeling like a fraud to feeling totally distant like I was on mars...I think as well it's hard to describe the pain, it engulfs you...
I recommended to somebody else to read tim Cantopher's book on depression, the curse of the strong. It's amazing! I'm reading his one on stress now and it's fab too. Clickedy click on amazon. I'm not in sales or anything like that, I have read a lot of books and none that really connected in that way...
I suffered - and suffered depression before and didn't realise how bad I was. It was brought on by lots of things, baby, mother ill, work and friend issues, transition issues and I thought 'I have to get through, no tablets, I am strong..'. And my did I suffer. I made some changes but was blind to some others I should have made and bam! Work stuff and I'm right back there...only this time I realise how unwell I am going to get and take control. Go to gp, taking citalopram, I needed it to cope, and focused on making the changes I needed to to stay well starting with saying - sod that! New job, they don't own me! And I was so worried nobody else would want me (my employer had been and consistently kept putting me under pressure / behaving outrageously!) I got both the jobs I applied for! And focused on who I had around me, and being around my family and positive people, and realised I had a couple of 'vampires' - what was I doing with putting up with this!?
I found that book, medication and people who valued me really helped so maybe think about why / what are the reasons not to take medication and perhaps think if it was another illness would you think the same way. Sounds like you need your resources....
I hoped my endless monologue helped in some small way?
Do what is best for you but think why you hold those views! We have all been there xxxx
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I want an answer
When it's all just too much!!
So lonely and broken 
Utter Disappointment in myself.
