4am

I've been feeling increasingly low for days now, often thinking about suicide in a general way. This morning I've awake for a couple of hours now and imagining clearing out my belongings, taking my artwork to the tip, saying goodbye to people on facebook and websites like this, writing goodbye letters to someone special to me and to my children, thinking about the different ways of committing suicide and which would be the most likely to be successful. I feel angry about so many things which in reality I am helpless to change (like selling the house). I envy people who find a way to be happy but can't find any wish to improve my own life. I just want to walk away from everything.

[Hidden]

Hello..

Thought I was the only one awake at daft o clock on a Saturday !!! So sorry you feel so low right now...I understand...it's really not a nice place to be...

I've read how you have helped a lot of people on this site too Rose...isn't it strange how we can help others but so hard to help ourselves ? My thoughts are with you right now that dark place is not nice....

I'm not sure of the bigger picture and if you have anyone you can reach out to...right now you need to think of you and I urge you to reach out and get whatever help you can....I myself have felt like you do right now a number of times and different things have helped me at those times.....I know you are an intelligent person and you know the avenues for help..please use them Rose....

You know like I do, we do eventually come out of that dark place....

I am intrigued by your art work be lovely to see some....understand if you don't wish to share....I bet it's good!!!

Thinking of you....keep blogging on here....I may not be much help to you but wanted you to know I read your blog and I'm sending you the biggest hug ever, I care......

Love sue xxxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi, thanks Sue, that's lovely of you. I don''t feel like writing more right now, but will sometime later. Suex

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Good to hear from you sue.

Understand the bit about not writing much some days I'm the same and can't write much.....you just feel too exhausted....

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

That went before I finished...

Hope you feel better xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi again Sue

I'm feeling a bit better now as I've been writing to the lovely Consultant I saw years ago who allows me to have ongoing written contact with him - sometimes I feel hurt by his replies being so brief but at least he is there to write to, sometimes at length.

Yes it is strange that we can help other people but also need help ourselves. I was really good at holding clients in therapy and enabling them to grow when I worked as an analytic therapist but there are certain feelings of my own that I can't cope with at all. I've written about them in some of the other responses today so you can read them there to save me going over things.

Yes I do know the sources of support but thanks for the validation, I agree intelligence helps - it's what enabled me to stay out of the mental health system and to find my way into private therapy which enabled me to feel real and get in touch with all my feelings from the past - the trouble now is trying to live with them, particularly when reality doesn't help!

I trained as a therapist within the NHS, it took 4 years unpaid work plus the cost of the course and personal therapy, came to £30,000 in total, THEN I discovered that I still wasn't eligible to work as a therapist in the NHS or CAMHS teams because I lacked the core health or social work qualifications (although I taught on those courses!). That started the downward spiral of rage. Then my husband developed end stage renale failure and turned to drink in order to cope with his feelings, he looked like a drunkard much of the time and I felt disgusted which killed something.of my love for him although I still think he is a lovely man, just no longer for me. He drinks less now but is content to spend his life alone with headphones on (he's hard of hearing) so I might as well be living alone, hence feel lonely. Then we have tried for 7 years to sell our house (lots of details elsewhere in other replies) so feel trapped in a town where I know no-one and feel a complete misfit, with no friends locally, no family in the UK (my children both live abroad, parents etc are dead) and a husband who is happy with his own company. I keep trying to find things to do locally but there isn't anything where I feel I fit... on it goes, I'm sure you can understand as you will have your own issues too.

As for my artowork, it isn't good as although I did a Fine Art degree a few years ago I am not really artistic - I got through by a fluke I think! My work is on dotart.com. Since finishing the degree I haven't ever managed to get back into painting or photography - I have the largest room in our house set up as a studio with easels, endless materials and lots of art books, and I just can't begin to get motivated. I've just contact the local CMHT and hope they may offer CBT and if so I will use it to get myself working again.

Thanks for your support, and the hug. It really helps to have people to write back to. I'm a writer by nature (which is why I write so much!) and so it is the best possible kind of support day to day for me!

Thanks again, Suexx

[Suzie40]

Good morning!

I hope you managed to go back to sleep. Do you feel any better now?

You mention writing these letters to the people you care deeply about. In particularly low periods for me, it's been imagining the faces of the people reading them that has stopped me doing anything stupid.

You haven't been happy since you came home, have you? Have you managed to speak to your daughter much since?

You've been a huge support to me so many times on this forum and I'm really greatful for that.

As Sue said, the end of the tunnel IS there .... It's just not always to see it.

Chat to you later when you're up and about

Lucy x

[Hidden in reply to Suzie40]

Hi Lucy, thanks for your support, I'm glad you've found my replies helpful. Things are find with my daughter, I was feeling suicidal before I went to Mexico - relates to things in the past and feeling similarly helpless to change things in my life now, the repetition of events and feelings. I don't feel like writing more now, maybe later. Thanks again, Suex

[Hidden in reply to Suzie40]

Hi, Sorry my earlier reply was short, I'm feeling a bit better now but having replied to other posts I'm exhausted at the thought of going over it all again - I just want you to know that I'm as grateful to you as to them and that what I've written to them I would like to write to you too. I'm sure you will know what I mean, the posts come on at different times and it's impossible to keep repeating things. But a big thank you to you for what you wrote. I'd love to write back if you feel like chatting (see what I've written elsewhere ont he blog about being a writeer by nature!. Hope you are feeling ok. I'm looking out now at a huge bed of tulips and daff as well as all the colour in the garden, and now after reading and writing on the website I'm feeling a bit better again. Thanks, Suex

[Gambit62]

Do hope you managed to get some sleep.

that you are feeling low and it seems to be getting worse

I've recently realised that suicidal thoughts and being focused on death started out as a calming mechanism when I was feeling anxious/upset because it is an end and it is good to know that there is an end. However, I also realised that it was a calming mechanism that had gone wrong because the thoughts were making me anxious which led to more thoughts and anxiety. A friend who isn't a depressive by any means also shared with me that he remembered when he was younger being really upset and going for a walk. He was on a bridge with a deep drop and was surprised to find himself thinking about throwing himself off as a way of ending the anxiety he was feeling. Anyway, I still get the thoughts but I'm aware of what is going on and find now that I don't get spooked by them and caught up in the spiral.

What I'm trying to say is that thinking about the end of it all, or suicide in a general way sort of makes sense and I don't think it is necessarily something to get spooked by.

Really, really sorry to hear that you are having to sell your home. That is a very stressful thing to have to do as home is generally a place we retreat to for security and you are losing that security. I know how stressful my divorce was and most of that was about the possibility of losing my home - though I was lucky and managed to avoid that.

Anger is something I find very difficult and is definitely something that sends me into a downward spiral a lot of the time even though I know that it doesn't have to be a negative thing. For some people it is the energy that drives them to fight injustice. But usually I'm scared of expressing it and it turns inwards and becomes a source of oppression rather than a giver of energy.

Really hope that you have some real people around who can give you a real life hug - even though you may not feel like one Hugs can be very calming.

Big virtual hug

[Hidden]

Hi, yes, I've had the thought many times before over the years and understand what goes on in the downward loop. We need to sell the house because it's too big to maintain on pensions but have been trying for seven years and if we reduce the price further we won't be able to buy anything decent, also my friends live 30 miles away so I am socially isolated but buying near them will be more expensive than where we live. Like many people we are caught by the recession. Yes, I do tend to direct anger inwards, but I have expressed anger I feel now without it really helping because the situations are still unable to be changed. Thanks for the hug, I don't feel like writing any more now, I feel too angry to want to. Maybe later. Suex

[SueBeeSue]

Hi Sue, So sorry you are feeling so low just now. Just wanted to say a huge thank you for all the help and support you've been to me and let you know I'm thinking of you. Please don't feel you have to repsond to this post. I know it's not easy to write when things are bad. Sending you megga hugs. Sue xx

[Hidden in reply to SueBeeSue]

Hi Sue

Thanks, it is nice to read people care.

Suex

[Photogeek]

Hi Sue,

Just to let you know that you are in my thoughts right now, you need not even respond, as when I feel exhausted even replying to a text is too much stress. I have felt that despairing feeling and pictured myself just disappearing and such, It usually comes from feeling totally worn out and rock bottom. Try and get through the day . Your posts often helped me too, I would miss you as I feel we relate. Sending you a great big loving hug.

Maybe just go with your feelings right now and don't beat yourself up. This recession is a very tough time and makes everything that bit harder.

Hannah xx

[Hidden in reply to Photogeek]

Hi Hannah,

Thanks, that's kind of you. Yes, you are right, it is the rock bottom feeling. Yes it is good to find people who think and feel similarly, I feel we can relate too. The website can be a bit like group therapy at times with some people having a feeling connection because of common experiences.

I had a breakdown for 3 years when I was 11 and remember it well, but it was only after a long period of analytic therapy that I got right back in touch with all the feelings, then the therapist (female) failed to keep boundaries and involved me in her life and as a result I left. I then saw a lovely Consultant who I still have written contact with for support, but I have never managed to get beyond having the feeling memories - I slide back into them when certain things feel to have repeated those circumstances and make me feel helpless. I know what's happening so don't act on them, don't self-harm at all thankfully, but I feel suicidal and feel as though I will act on them at any time and can never be certain that I won't. They do say that working through such feelings is the most dangerous risk time for suicide due to the amount of anger, and I can certainly identify with that as most of the time I feel realistically helpless (I really can't change the things that distress me) and enraged about that!

You are right about the recession - I was reading an article in New Scientist yesterday about the increasing incidence of inflammatory diseases (due to stress), depression and suicide rates throughout Europe and how it is also genetically passed on to the next generation through bio-chemical alterations so there will be a lot more depressed people in 20-30 years time too! It is sad. It makes me furious to see bankers rake in their high bonuses while the rest of us struggle with basics like getting a job or selling our houses. We've already reduced the price of our house by £100,000 and looking on Right Move yesterday I realised that even if we reduce it by another £100,000 it is highly unlikely to sell, we've been trying for 7 years, will not be able to afford to maintain the house once my husband stops work, and all my friends are 30 miles away. I know the best thing would be for me to make friends locally but I can't find anything I want to join in our local town, I'm a city person and like intellectual and alternative kinds of interests and there's none of those here. A couple of days ago I was feeling so bad that I referred myself to the local CMHT which is something I've always avoided doing - my psychotherapy has always been in private practice 30 miles away. I decided that if we can't move then I need to find some supports locally and that maybe a mental health worker would be the best place to start, although I do feel really ambivalent about it as I'm far better qualified and experienced than most of them so seeing one will raise envy and anger as well as the usual feelings.

Thanks again. I hope you are feeling ok today.

Suex

[soozy1984]

Hi I hope you are feeling a little better. I read this earlier but only had the chance to reply just now. You've been in my thoughts though.

I hope youre ok xxxx

[Hidden in reply to soozy1984]

Hi, oh thanks, that's kind of you. Yes I am feeling less extremely down, not exactly better but not constantly thinking about writing goodbye letters, etc! Instead I am actually writing to the therapist I saw years ago - I am still in touch with him for support and write fortnightly, he is kind and sends a brief response which helps sometimes though not always. Thanks again, and I hope you are also ok. Suex

[Cici971972]

Hi there,

I hope you feeling much better and that your thoughts of suicide are weaker. You sound so low but at the end of the day, there is always something you can do to change things.

Can I ask you what is the main problem which make you feel so depressed? I really want to help you getting better.

Days ago, I was feeling the same. I also thought of killing myself and write my goodbyes on Facebook and on a letter to my family wjo I am living with. It felt like no other solutions were there to get over it.

I have to say that the day I decided to join the Action on Depress group. I knew it was going to be life-changing and soooo helpful as you talk to people who helps and share their stories

Talking to your loved ones snd therapist, if you have one definitely helps. Trust me.

Let me know how you feel, please.

I am worried about you.

Lots of love ??

Cici

[Hidden in reply to Cici971972]

Hi Cici,

Sorry not to have replied to your reply to my blog - I haven't been on the website for a few days as I've been dealing with some issues.

There is a long story behind my suicidal thoughts - they are not due to depression in the straightforward sense. I am a trained therapist myself and understand where they are coming from.

It's complicated, but basically I had a long period of private therapy in which I was able to recover my memories from childhood but when the therapist became over-involved because of her own problems I finished therapy. At the time I was in touch with very regressed painful feelings. I saw someone skilled for a long period of monthly support and as a result those feelings were packed away again and so we stopped meeting. However repeated rejections and an accumulation of stresses in my more recent life opened the feelings up again and I dropped back into them. I often cry like a baby or young child who feels abandoned and helpless to change anything and at those times find myself thinking about suicide. I have never harmed myself and never will but when I am distressed I am unable to think like an adult, the child feelings are too much. Inbetween I understand what happens, but easily get overwhelmed again by the child feelings - there were a lot of difficult experiences including a breakdown and as a result there is a tendency for me to drop into the pain from one or other of those experiences. I agree that sharing how I feel is the only thing that helps, whether it's with Samaritans, a therapist or this website. I see a therapist weekly and have written support from the professional I used to see, but sometimes I find myself unable to hold onto common sense. I think that's what happens to a lot of people who write on the website - whenever we need support and it feel insufficent then the problems or emotions spiral out of control. It's great to be able to write because people here are supportive and knowing people care is often enough to make a difference. It is true talking to loved ones can help but not everyone has loved ones and not all loved ones are helpful.

Often suicidal thoughts are a way I think of going to the bottom, to the worse possible point - then making the choice whether to come back up again. That's one of the reasons why I think it's important to allow people to have a choice about whether they want to die - if they are given support but allowed to make the choice most people will choose to live, whereas if we try to persuade them why it is better to live then if they are angry enough they will kill themselves to prove we are wrong. It all depends on whether they really want to die. Suicide is an angry choice, it's a way of punishing the world for all the hurt it (people) have inflicted and leaving other people feeling bad..

I could deal with my feelings and thoughts by going to CBT but I prefer not to do that, as it's a different way of coping which has different effects. There are many ways people can be helped and each of us goes our own route as far as we are able to. I went the slower route of psychoanalytic therapy because I knew that I had a lot of early difficulties and needed a therapy that would enable me to feel real in a way that I didn't before, for other people meds or CBT will feel a better option. I knew my way would be painful but have never regretted it, which is why I also trained in the therapy.

It's kind of you to offer me support, I've noticed you support other people in ways that have been helpful. You say you felt similarly, said goodbyes, etc but I hope you are feeling better yourself now. It sounds like you are perhaps also in therapy, I hope it is useful for you.

Thanks again for your kind thoughts,

Suexx

[Hidden]

Hi, thanks for your good wishes. Lots of detail above in replies to the other posts, I haven't got the energy now to go through it all again. Yes the website is great, I've been using it for some months and it does always help, sometimes a lot but always a little. Thanks again, Suex

[annielawrie]

Hi Sue, big hugs coming your way,Magsxx

[Hidden in reply to annielawrie]

Hi Mags, thanks, got them, mmm, feeling much better than this early am! Suex

[coatpin]

Well I think its a urgent appointment to the gp for a start, depression is getting worse for you.

lack of sleep doesnt help either, take someone with you.

Just remember Depression is making you feel like this, you dont feel like this usually. It makes seeing life very difficult, and you cant see any light at all. I trained as a counsellor, and suffered from sever depression for many years. The way I coped with it is,,, depression is the illness. I was in there somewhere, and I wasnt going to let it, talk me into killing myself.

I knew deep inside there are good things in this world, I just had to hang on,, !!! I didnt think my kids loved me,,,I felt the heavey dense, like I was walking with moon boots on. Everything was such an effort. Your ill, like I was, your brain isnt making the chemicals it needs to function properly, and the doctor will give you medication to help this, but the brain is a balance of different chemicals,so it may take time to find the right tablets that suit you best.

You need support, its not going to be easy, but the bright days will come again. Treat yourself with kindness, and as though you have flu,, do what you have to do, if that is sleep then do it, if you cant sleep, go read a book, or watch tv, just do what youfeel like doing. dont be hard on yourself..Dont drink endless cups of coffee, or tea, as that will keep you awake. The sun will shine again, bit by bit,, then they become more often, but you will appreciate things so much more this time round. Take care, and tell those thoughts to go away every time they come ,, andsay something like, I love my kids ,,, go away!!!

Linda x

[Hidden]

Hi, thanks Linda, yes I have seen the GP. There are different views about depression as with other mental illness and I now know my depression was not caused by a chemical inbalance but was due to abuse and other traumatic experiences - they altered brain chemistry but the change can be corrected by many different things. As a psychologist I studied the way the brain works and know how medication would alter my mood - I did use meds in the past when it felt right to do so, but at this stage I prefer to turn to relationships to alter my mood. Thanks for your thoughts, it's always nice to have a caring response. Suex

[Hidden]

Sue

Thank you for the response, wow you have achieved soooooo much.....!!! Well done...

Just had a look at your art work so good .....I like mama,chairs , and the colours in waterlilly...what a clever /talented lady you are!!! There are so many I will have to go back on and take a look again...

Mind you they do say that intelligent people tend to suffer with depression and it seems it's true (well I'm having that anyway haha)

I see you studied in Liverpool...I am from liverpool now living in the south....

I understand totally your loneliness even with friends it can be lonely as not many understand the way we feel....having moved around a little in the last 10 years I've had the same trouble as you ...not really having a lot of hobbies...not got close friends Closeby...

I live in hope that I can beat this bloody thing...have worked all my life in high pressure roles and for the first time had to give up work, suicidal thoughts followed, same as you planning etc....I was prescribed Citalopram but I don't wish to take...and so far I don't take....I have CBTand so far it helps.....

I wish you well and thank you again for sharing your art work with me....

Keep blogging ...

Glad to hear you don't feel quite as bad..

Sue xxxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi Sue, oh that's a lovely response. I'm glad you liked the artwork, I don't feel talented though people say I am. I hope CBT can help me to get back into making art and also help me to find a way to make friends. We're in St Helens and I miss city life so much, there's always something interesting to do in Manchester even if it's just going to the shops which I hate doing here, but also lots of academic courses, groups, art, so much. You're from Liverpool! I'm sorry you are in a similar position to me. I'm from the South and although I like things about there I find it easier to chat with strangers in this part of the country but once you get to know them people are nice everywhere, well most people! Yes I do feel better than this am. Thanks Sue, Suex - there are so many Sue's on here!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Haha yes all the sues confuse me LOL

I lived in Manchester for 7 years good place to shop yes....hope today is a good day for you...

I hope things improve, sometimes something happens you never imagined and it changes everything, I hope that is the case with your house selling and relationship and I hope it's something for the better..

Sue xx

[Hidden]

I just want to thank you all as it's later in the day and I am feeling a lot better. The support you all gave me enabled me to think more clearly. I've realised how bad I feel about having written to my ex-therapist with a whole lot of anger which I know will have hurt him - I thought writing it all would help me feel better but of course it made me feel worse because he doesn't deserve to have my negative feelings directed at him, he's being supportive when I have no right to anything from him as we haven't worked together for years. I'm treating him as if he's still my therapist but he's not, I haven't really come to terms with that. Probably he'll be fine about it, I've just been feeling anxious and guilty about having been so horrible to him. I am also really angry and depressed about being unable to sell the house and lots of other things, but understanding why I was feeling so especially bad has been helpful so thanks again for your support. Suexx

[redroseart]

hi sue hope you are feeling better.dont worry about your ex therapist i am sure he will ubderstand. so sorry for the situation you are in hope things get better for you. sending love and hugs. soniaxxx

[Hidden in reply to redroseart]

Hi Sonia, Thanks for your reply - I've been worrying about how he will respond for weeks and today the letter was returned to me as my husband put insufficent postage on it - I have to laugh. Thanks for the hugs and kisses, same to you, Suexx