Non Molestation Order

[jammers90]

Hi all,

I am thinking about applying for a non-molestation order for my ex. Like with any relationship it was complicated. We were in an intimate relationship for a significant duration but did not live together or have any children. We do however, work in the same department for my local authority. He sits approximately 50 feet away from me although we have little or no need for contact at work. There are 3 crime references 1 for malicious communications/coercive behaviour (police decided not to prosecute), 1 for rape (he had a non custodial interview and it was my wish for him not to be prosecuted for this) and another for contacting me following the police advising us BOTH that we should not contact each other. Just to note, this was informal advice but not a caution.

If I may, I have set out a serious of events and marked which of these I have evidence for.

- Relationship started in Feb 2019 but first broke down in May 2019 after his disclosure that he had another boyfriend.

- The respondent called me in May 2019 and explained how he did not like a colleague of ours and detailed how he would kill and torture this colleague.

- Not long after we got into an argument where he threatened to kill me and destroy me at work.

- The respondent Ex partner and I met. We spent the night. The respondent then attempted to commit suicide. He sent me pictures of himself in hospital. EVIDENCED

- The respondent made me feel guilty for meeting up with his ex partner by accusing him of systemic rape and physical abuse over a 2 year period. EVIDENCED

- The respondent and I began to date again after he said I needed my help to get over his ex. I felt pressured into dating him again.

- The respondent accused me of condoning the rape and abuse he had suffered during an argument (I did not - EVIDENCED). He then started to turn colleagues against me making me feel uncomfortable at work. I myself became suicidal.

- Respondent messaged me to 'have it out with me' EVIDENCED. The respondent pressured me into deleting all of our messages - calling me a hoe and a slag.

- The respondent ex partner and I became friends again. In October 2019 the respondent sent me a death threat and threats of physical violence (EVIDENCED).

- Work became aware, set up mediation in December 2019. I felt better. We were intimate a few times following this.

- I attended a party where the respondent was present. The respondent was very drunk and needed a number of people to hold him back from physically assaulting me (please note he is 6 foot 8).

- I called the respondent and told him I did not want anymore contact with him.

- My mental health deteriorated. I stupidly but some of his messages on Instagram. The respondent called the police and accused me of harassment.

- I went to the police, they considered his actions to me to be low level domestic abuse, coercive behaviour and malicious communications. Incident of rape also. No further action. Jan/Feb 2020.

- Work arranged use of separate smoking areas and toilets. The respondent ignored this arrangement and followed me out to smoking area. Work were aware and told him he would face serious consequence if he did that again. EVIDENCED

- Respondent called me and text me (end of March 2020). EVIDENCED.

So my main reason for taking out this order is because the respondent has ignored the advice of the police and my workplace. He has aggressive tendancies, is diagnosed with bi polar and is on the autism spectrum. I am obviously in fear of the respondent causing me harm and emotional distress. I have a GP letter setting out the medication I have been on due to this, the time taken off work and my disclosure to the GP of his abuse.

I know I obviously need legal advice, but I would like to know - does it seem likely that this non-molestation would work? I would be happy for the respondent to agree to undertakings as well. Any advice anyone can give moving forward would be great.

Jamie

[Benniboi]

Can't you find a way to move jobs? Surely the best thing you can do is to distance yourself as much as possible from this person, and if work are not going to reprimand him for this behaviour with disciplinary action or suspension of pay, then surely the best thing you can do is cut any and all ties, and find a new place of work. Resist all contact, and do not respond in any way to his attempts for attention. Hopefully he will eventually get bored from losing his emotional supply from you and move on. I wish you all the best mate

[jammers90 in reply to Benniboi]

I started in my workplace as an apprentice and have moved up and am on a decent salary for my experience. They are offering me a lot of training and qualifications along with my job. It's a difficult situation but I know I will feel more comfortable if I can just get something in place which means I know he can't get to me.

[Benniboi in reply to jammers90]

I really am at a loss for words how your managers can be aware of the problems this person is causing yet are impotent to enforcing disciplinary proceedings against him. I've seen this before in certain companies and usually it is a weak HR department and lax company policies. Maybe the best route to go is like you say, keep building up evidence and file a restraining order. So that when he breaches it, which he likely will, then you have legal recourse to initiate proceedings against him. I just wonder how that would play out in your professional environment? And also if you feel confident that if the situation becomes untenable between both of you, that the company will be trusted to do the right thing and side with you? Unfortunately some people are very manipulative and ingratiate themselves with decision makers in companies, so it can be difficult to remove them even when they are in serious breach of policies and consistently display gross misconduct.

Anyway I wish you the best. What are your thoughts?

Kind regards, Ben

[jammers90 in reply to Benniboi]

Hi Benni, thanks for the reply.

Work have been supportive but they have made it clear that they consider this to be an outside of work issue. The respondent is incredibly manipulative (see above) to the point that his line manager used to call him 'son' and he would refer to her and his second Mum. Bare in mind we work for a local authority so that is not very professional at all.

However, its unlikely that I will be able to work comfortably with him around.

When he did follow me out to the smoking area, my work did tell him that he would face serious consequences if he did it again. My line manager isn't sure how long they can keep those measures in place but I know the respondent will be keen for them to be lifted as soon as possible.

The respondent is diagnosed with bi-polar and autism and is aware that his mental disability means that he can be treated favourably. I have no way of proving this obviously, except from my own experience with him.

I cannot file a restraining order as he hasn't actually been charged with anything. The malicious comms and coercive behaviour, the police decided not to prosecute him and it was my wish for him not to be prosecuted for rape.

I have no other choice but to file a non-molestation order. I know there is such a thing as a harassment order - but there doesn't seem to be a lot of information or support about this online?

[Benniboi in reply to jammers90]

Seems like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place my friend. He definitely has some cards stacked in his favour and by the sounds of it has no equivocations about playing them to his advantage. With people like this you just have to try (I know it's hard) to be mature, dispassionate and do not react to any of his attempts to goad you into a confrontation. And also, and I'm sure you are aware of this also mate, but do not slip up and engage in any physical contact or one night stands etc as that will just continue this cycle of abuse. What do you think?

[jammers90 in reply to Benniboi]

Absolutely. He did goad me and rile me up enough that I ended up posting some of his abusive messages to me on Instagram - which then of course led him to accuse me of harassing him. Big mistake on my part because he is never going to let me or anyone at work forget it.

He has managed to convince the majority of the work place that I have severe mental health issues and he has tried to help me through it but it got too much for him. Unfortunately (and my GP can attest to this) he is the main cause of a lot of my current issues with anxiety and low self-worth.

[Benniboi in reply to jammers90]

Well it's obviously a bad situation but it's not the end of the world. You can get through this but you need to be diligent and restrained. Beat this guy at his own game and don't let him get a rise out of you. Keep me posted. Wishing you the best of luck. Ben

[jammers90 in reply to Benniboi]

Thanks Ben. I have a free 30 minute telephone session with a solicitor on Tuesday then I'll decide how to move forward.

[Melissa78]

Get a restraining order if your afraid of this person harming you, your place of work will have to move him away from you and he definitely won't be able to follow you out for a cigarette or he will go to jail. Good luck and stay safe ❣️

[Hidden]

Hi. You have been up against it. My heart goes out to you. What country are you in?

[jammers90 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Osige. Thank you. It's been a tough 12 months that's for sure!

I am in England.

[Hidden in reply to jammers90]

citizensadvice.org.uk/law-a...

victimsupport.org.uk/crime-...

I would try contacting Victim Support and discussing your problem with them. They are a helpful organisation.

[jammers90 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Osige. The Victim Support link is not one I'm familiar with I might give them a call.

Most of the support/sites I've been referred to have been domestic abuse related.

[jammers90]

We had the first hearing last month. He was represented by a solicitor. A few points.

- I would not agree to cross undertakings. I argued that since the police became involved I have not had any contact with him - meanwhile he has continued to message me and has gone against the measures put in place by my workplace.

- He attempted to agree to undertakings - however the judge would only allow this WITH PREJUDICE. Having googled non-molestation orders constantly for months now, this came as a bit of a surprise as usually undertakings are agreed on the basis that there is no admission of fault. I can only imagine it is because of the amount of exhibits I attached with my witness statement (death threats etc)?

- I just got a letter through saying that there will be a final hearing in July. The court has ordered the police to give all notes/complaints we've made against each other. I thought there would be a Fact Finding Hearing?

It seems as though this isn't going the way I expected i.e. the usual procedures - first hearing, fact finding, final hearing etc. I'm not too sure if that's a good thing or not?