Bipolar 1 disorder and a bunch other stuff

[Annrhae]

I'm 47 years old female, I new something was wrong with me or I was just completely different from everyone else. 2 or 3 years ago I got tired of life in general I hates looking in the mirror, I was always down stayed in my room all the time if I wasn't at work I was home asleep it was so bad I wouldn't leave the house to even go to the Dr. Or even seek any kind of help. I started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and it was all done without having to leave the house. I was diagnosed with the Bipolar 1 disorder, Borderline personality disorder, PTSD, GAD, severe social anxiety, OCD, ADHD, and a few other things. I hate that I feel this way all the time it's put a strain on my marriage and other relationships. I lost my job back in Dec. 2024 on Christmas Eve, oh and I have a really bad or hard time with change it just completely shuts me down. I can't focus let alone remember what I did 2 minutes ago. I'm exhausted and more was added to me a couple days ago. With my eyesight. I'm on the line of having glacoma, and a disease I'm not sure how to spell it let alone say it malicular degenerate it's caused by lack of oxygen in the body and it makes u slowly loose ur eyesight. My right eye is worse than my left so I strain pretty hard to see thinks and to add to it one of my manic episodes I decided I was going back to school to study business.. that's the kinda crap I get into on those kinda days. But here lately I've been pretty bad to the point my husband is scared to leave me alone. And he walks on eggshells around me and it kills me but when I split i can't stop it it's like I'm standing outside looking in. And I feel like a real piece of shit cause one day I may be found with something but the next I could explode. I love this man he's been there when noone else was. My kids I stay hid when I'm down , because it would end me if I was to hurt them too. Ivé told my husband u deserve so much better l, I don't blame u if u decided to leave and never look back,. I don't know what to do anymore. If I take all the meds they wanna make me take i can't function. And I know I'm pushing my husband away. I know everyday his love is turning to hate because I cannot control my emotions.

[blackcat64013]

Hi and thank you for your post in your forum.

The form is safe space to post like you have done.

From my knowledge of BPD-1, I think you might benefit from some psychotherapy as the stress of losing your job has probably triggered you. The treatment typically involves dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).

Would you consider a visit to a psychiatrist for the purpose of reviewing your current meds rather than for treatment? You could discuss including medications to address co-occurring conditions like depression or anxiety.

I have found the psychiatrist being a medical practitioner and a specialist dealing with medications for mental health conditions the perfect person to see when things go pear shaped and I feel "wobbly".

If you can hubby along to some of your appointments, that would help him see that you are doing all the right things for your mental health.

Wishing you all the best for the coming days ahead.