I am feeling hopeless

[Sadrabbit]

Hello everyone I am new here, I hope it is safe to express how I feel.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety all my life on and off and it has been debilitating at times. I was in a good mental state for a long time I had hobbies and friends and loving wife and i was happy. All that changed back in 2018 when I had a relapse I couldn't stop crying. Since then I have been seeing a specialist and a therapist. I have been out of work for months at a time since 2019 because It has got so bad it has been debilitating and I can't function normally. I have been on so many types of medications for this and nothing works. So they say i have treatment resistant depression. Multiple specialists have suggested electric current therapy what was once called (electro shock therapy) and I refuse, it scares me so much. I believe a persons personality is unique and fragile. I think that will strip me of the person I have become. So i have been seeking other forms of treatment like transcranial magnetic stimulation. I have been so emotionally unstable Ive almost admitted myself twice this year. I am currently not working because of my condition, I cry daily on and off for most of the day. I feel guilty and ashamed every day, Anhedonia has set in long ago robbing me of everything I used to enjoy and love. I lost my pet rabbit who loved me and was very affectionate towards me last November. My wife this February. It has been one devastating blow after the other for me.. It has been a long battle i fear i might be losing. Everyday seems the same except different mental health appointments once or every other week. I never have felt so hopeless and alone sadness and grief. My therapist said i was mourning the loss of my pet and my wife at the same time along with fighting depression and anxiety.😔 I just wish I could escape these negative emotions and start to reclaim my life

[gajh]

Hello and Welcome. I am glad you have joined us. Yes it is safe to express how you feel here. A couple of people here have benefitted from transcranial magnetic stimulation. I hope you are able to try that and I hope you benefit from it.

[Sadrabbit in reply to gajh]

Thank you, I really hope it can at least reduce them.

[Nothing_but_books]

I'm sorry for your loss. For both your losses. Our animal friends fill a spot in our heart no one understands who doesn't live it. Losing your wife so soon after is tragic. It's hard for anyone to manage those losses. Struggling with mental illness at the same time is too much. I hope TMS gives you the help you need and deserve.

[Sadrabbit in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Thank you, I do hope this works. I hope you don't think my wife is dead. Since last year she was emotionally abusive to me, at first I didn't realize it until it escalated. She knew I was struggling and used that against me, She even used the cliche "no one will ever love you" saying against me. She left me no choice but to end the relationship, it was the hardest thing for me to do and it took me months to do it.

[mauv]

I don't know how old you our. If you are 60 there is Deep TMS that goes deeper and wider for the older population. This is suggested for the elderly. Check out the different TMS’s. I have had depression most of my life. I am treatment resistent to antidepressants. They worked for years but stopped 5 yrs ago. It has been very difficult since then. I am going to try the Deep TMS. Our group is here to listen and give support. I hope the TMS works for you. It is non invasive.

[Sadrabbit in reply to mauv]

Thank you for your support and sharing, I am not sure I would qualify for Deep TMS since I am in my 40's. I hope you can get your treatments and feel better.

[Desperate4Happiness]

We are all here because we are fighting similar battles and understand how difficult it is to get through each day.

You've suffered major losses that will take time to heal from. Be gentle on yourself and don't give up. Keep searching and trying to find a regimen that will allow you to find stability and the ability to have joy in your life.

I cry a lot and want to throw in the towel a lot of the time but I keep pushing myself to try and cry out of the holes I've fallen into because I don't want to remain in the dark.

I hope you find this group comforting and as a source of support as I have.

[Sadrabbit in reply to Desperate4Happiness]

Thank you for your kind words and helpful suggestions.