Why am I alive?

[LoverAtHeart]

Hi!! I'm new here & I'm so excited to be a part of this community. I was feeling extremely low & desperate for help or to talk to someone about how I feel. I am newly married & I just moved away from my home. My parents love me alot & have gone above & beyond for me & still do so. As in my culture , parents pay for you until you get a job & as I'm newly graduated & have no job yet, my parents are still paying for me even if I am married. My point is they literally do everything for me & they are the reason I'm alive most days.

I moved away from home after marrying because my husband is from another country. By nature, I am a person that goes above & beyond for a person I love. I have always been like that & I guess that it's because that is how my parents are & that is the greatest love I know, igs natural I will give that kinda love to my parents * also my husband?

Part of this love also is making sure they are safe & healthy. I will absolutely do anything to keep them healthy & safe. I try everything I can to keep my husband healthy too by making him eat the best vegetables & making sure he drinks his vitamins, making sure he exercises, etc. Him and I are both doctors hence I try to use everything I have learnt & I read to protect my family.

Sometimes my husband is really rude to me like for example if he says he wants to go on a walk & I ask if he has applied sunscreen he will say "if it's important to you, you should've brought the sunscreen when we went out". Like??????? I even give him his vitamins to his hand. Should I take the sunscreen everywhere he goes?

Sometimes he listens & does & sometimes he fights with me about it.

Today my husband told me that everything I do to keep him safe & healthy is not outta love & it's outta fear & anxiety. Those words broke me. I try somuch to keep him safe & healthy even when it's not convenient to him, yet to hear that broke me inside. I wish I was dead & I wish to God that I don't wake up. The only thing keeping me going are my parents however I can't tell obviously about this. I just can't kill myself because I know my parents will suffer.

So many things hurt me so bad & I feel like the only way to survive is to be heartless in this world. I wish I wasn't born with so much love inside me & every time I feel like I have somuch love inside me I have to give it to the person I love the most

Every time they use it to harass me with the love I show. That's how intense the pain is. GUYS PLEASE HELP ME

[Raggedy-Ann]

Hi Lover, It seems to me that you're in a power struggle with your new husband. He wants total control so when you are being kind and he didn't ask for you to do it he gets mad-= he isn't controlling you. If he makes you fearful of making a mistake that also is him controlling you. It's early in your marriage, you need to talk to each other and make some ground rules. You want to love but you need to love yourself first. He already isolated you from your parents. You are equal as doctors so make your agreement to be equal. Write it out. Remember who you are, be treated in a way your parents would want you to be treated. Hugs

[Sunrisetabby]

Good morning, LoverAtHeart. Sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds to me - not that I really know - that you need to try to focus on loving yourself first. You do not need to be heartless in this world, but it does help to be strong, and to have a lot of inner strength. Living in a foreign country and not having a job, something I have dealt with, is often very difficult. Are there many people from your home country where you live now? Making friends and building connections that could perhaps lead to a job would help you build that inner strength and resilience that will make it easier to share the love in your heart. For me, I often could find a bookstore or restaurant, or sports leagues/activities when living overseas where there were many from my homeland, and I know many others who have found strength in overseas faith communities. Do any of those things exist where you are living? Becoming a part of a local community, especially if it had connections to your homeland, could help improve your life.