Lost in Pregnant and Marriage

[Mianttea15]

Hello,

I don’t know where to begin. I am a newly wed, pregnant mother and I feel like I’m drowning from the inside out. Have you ever felt that feeling of being suffocated right at the center of yourself? Like all the air is being sucked out of you no matter how hard you try to breathe… ?

My husband is very critical of the way I speak. I have tried for a long time to make him happy with the way I talk to him during disagreements but according to him I never get it right. I always leave conversations feeling like I’m disapproved of and not good enough no matter how hard I try. I’ve asked him for specific things I say that upset him and he gives them to me but then moves the goal post the next time, telling me that I should have done this or shouldn’t have said that. And frequently these are very benign things like saying “ya but,” or “no, no, no” (when feeling misunderstood) or, “you’re wrong,” or, “hold on” (when trying to get him to clarify something he said for the sake of understanding him), anything expressive of feeling defeated such as, “it seems pointless,” or, “I don’t think that will work.” To name a few. And his response is fairly instant frustration and upset. And then, he becomes very animated and visibly frustrated. (It seems like at this point there’s no going back, he then seems dead set on being upset with me). Once this happens, he tends to move his arms and hands quickly, raise his voice a bit etc, and while pregnant (6.5 months) I’ve been extra sensitive to this because these behaviors scare me and put me on the alert.

I feel like I can’t be myself, I can’t express myself, I have to walk on eggshells conversationally to avoid upsetting him. I’m feeling so defeated and belittled. And at this point I just want peace. and I feel like I have to sacrifice being honest about how I feel and my needs in exchange for that peace. And I’m mourning the idea that I’ll ever get to exist in a happy, expressive, and honest life.

I have a history of depression and trauma and pregnancy has made me extra sensitive. He doesn’t seem to be aware or adjust his behavior accordingly though. It seems like he just wants what he wants and sees me as a screw up no matter what. If anyone can relate or help maybe, or provide a solution, I’d appreciate it a lot.

[I_LOVE_TACOS]

It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People a.co/d/aVmOOrt

Oh my goodness! Sounds like you are married to MY husband! It is so hard to live with someone like that. In fact, me and my husband separated in May. I had the worst depressive episode of my life that lasted from March through April. I quit my job and stayed on the couch during that time. My hair was so matted up that it took me and my mom 3 days to comb it out. My husband informed me that he didn’t understand depression and he thinks it is a “cop out”. Then he demanded a divorce.

I talked to my therapist about his actions. He would blow up in anger over the stupidest things then blame me for everything. He gave no empathy whatsoever. After listening to what I’ve been dealing with, she said “It sounds like he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” I went straight home and googled it. I couldn’t believe it. My husband has most of the traits!

I did some more research and found this book. It explains everything I wanted to know about and tells you how to deal with someone who has that mental disorder.

You are not alone. This is definitely something that needs to be fixed ASAP! If he can be coaxed in to going to a marriage therapist, GO! If he refuses, you still need to go and talk with a therapist. There may be some meds you can take during pregnacy that will get you through this. See a practitioner and ask about it.

If he is resistant to change, you may need to rethink things. You do not deserve to put up with this for the rest of your life. You need to be YOU.

[Midori]

That is an early red flag warning. Was he like this before you married him?

There could be many reasons, he may feel he's too young, or be depressed himself.

It is possible he's jealous of the baby taking up your time. and doesn't realise you need a rest as growing a little human is very Hard Work.

I suggest relationship therapy of some kind. I'm in UK so I don't understand whats available to you in the States

Cheers, Midori