My journey with MDD

[JohanSonne]

Hi everyone.. this is the first time I am posting anything like this, so forgive me if I wander a bit.

I have been a depressed individual for decades, and I know that trauma is the root cause. It all started with my father not being around, and I was so good at dissociating, that I was able to convince myself as a child that it was normal to not have a father in the home, and furthermore, no male figures should be in the home growing up. You have a mother who convinces you of this as well..

Forward a bit to today -- suffering from liver issues that are a stone throw away from failure, mom had a stroke and I live-in help her now with her dementia, and somehow my health stats are pristine according to my doc. I feel good about helping her since she helped me tremendously with all types of problems I went through including legal ones, but I also feel a sense of resentment for her not watching her health better than this, and now she can barely figure out the remote control.

Back to the 1980s... what a wonderful time that was. Since I dissociated and mom helped keep me like that, I had a great childhood because I thought it was normal. I loved video games... nothing made me happier than coming home daily for hours behind the Nintendo and Sega systems, with every game you could imagine. The Sonic series were my favorites, and of course Mario on SNES was always fun. Nothing made me happier than being with my video games, all the way through my schooling and into adulthood as well. It was dissociation that became a lifestyle. I didn't even realize.

41 years on this planet puts things into an interesting perspective... you go through the pandemic, then learn your liver is going to put you in the ground in ~ 10 years or so (if you're lucky), mom's got probably ~ 5 years before the dementia takes her away, and there's literally nothing I can do about either one of these things.. but watch.

I've tried meds, and they do help with the feelings, but the problem there is they wipe out your memory really, and I mean really bad. I'm med free currently, and my mental acuity is back, but so is all of my anguish, my fears, my distrust, my apathy..

but my work was suffering, so meds are out. I won't deny that it is scary realizing how angry I get, but I mostly go silent now, i.e. the "silent treatment." It is true that it is bottling in anger, and this is the best way I know how to deal with anger, as when I show it, too much explodes at those around me, and people rightfully think that I am some type of psycho. I simply keep it inside and scream in the car on the way home, back at home, wherever I have space to.. but that anger still seethes the next day, and it comes into the room at work, where I want to get even with the idiots that did it to me. I did the other day in fact, and got some people in fear of their jobs for saying heinous nonsense with complete disregard for the mixed company they are around.

Sorry, I did say I would wander a bit

Anyway, the trauma side of things.. my sperm donor father is the core cause of everything, and I mean everything that has happened to me. I didn't realize just how much it would affect things, simply by not being around as there was no role model for me to copy, which is what boys need growing up. Even if a shitty stand-in step dad was there, that would have been better than nothing. I do blame mom for that one.. she could have at least had a fuck buddy that came around, so I'd know what a man's purpose was in the home. All types of psychotic confusion ensued, all because mom wouldn't grow the hell up when she had a child, and do the right things to raise that child appropriately for the correct emotional makeup for stability in adulthood.

Father was equally worthless, as he couldn't figure out how to remain calm and make a relationship work, but instead would rather run around with women half his age, while mom was pregnant at home with me. Only a true asshole would do that to a woman he knocked up, told her he wanted a child, and then changed his mind as soon as she was pregnant because she started acting like a bitch (she was pregnant, of course she would be.. especially once she learned he was screwing around on her).

This is just the tip of the iceberg, and I am just now finally coming to terms with all of it. I dissociated so hard my entire life, that I was able to bury these feelings and not face them ever. I wonder why I have so many problems with any relationship, whether that's friendships, family, or lovers.. eventually I betray them all, and I know why now. It's because I was the product of a betrayal and psychological abuse, with two parents who would rather play football with their child than actually raise it together.

Nothing truly makes me happy anymore. Even the things that used to get me through the depression before, are now not really doing it. My games used to be my golden save-the-day any time past time.. now I still play, but it doesn't feel as enjoyable. It's like everything had a shroud of darkness over things nowadays, and that's true whether I'm on meds, not on meds, everything in the world goes wrong one day, or everything is perfect the next.. the darkness is still there.

It is mostly once I found out my liver was going. I could deal with sperm donor not being there... I could deal with mom tricking him into making me.. I could deal with mom's stroke... but once I found out my own health is being impacted too? Yeah, things started feeling different.. it is hard to describe what it feels like, but it's like your mind moves in and out of a fog, and you know it's happening to protect your psyche so you let it. the problem is, if you let it do that too much, your mind gets used to the fog, and the dissociation starts becoming the thing you know the best.

All it takes is a major event happening to kick things into overdrive.. I now have Major Depressive Disorder, and each day feels a little worse than the next in some way because you realize everything happening around you. My major event was the liver news.. it was 3 months after mom's stroke happened. It's like lava spilled onto an acid bath, and then splashed onto me... that's about how this feels now, I'm a year afterwards still dealing with the endless scar tissue.

My only question is what I can do with all of this? I realize now that it has been crippling me my entire life, and I didn't even know it. Can I use this to my advantage somehow? if so, how? There has to be some way to turn all of this negativity into something used for good. That's about the best I can come up with anyway... and that's a snippet of a story in humanity.

[Countryfan1]

Hello Johan, A few questions

1. Have your tried therapy? I know it works for many people if you can find the right therapist.

2. Do you have a support network? Whether this is friends family, or people with the same interests, this in my opinion is the most important thing in helping with mental health.

3. This is the hardest step, have you tried forgiving your sperms donor/mom

I completely understand this is hard, personally it's something I am still working on, but from other people I have talked to once you can manage this it really helps. Granted don't feel bad if you never reach this step for it is one of the hardest steps one can take.

[JohanSonne in reply to Countryfan1]

Hi Countryfan1.. I'll answer your questions in the same format you gave.

1. No. I have tried to get appointments set up, but no one ever gets back to me. I think it might be because I unload a lot when I call, so maybe it's overwhelming whoever is hearing it and they delete it. I am still trying to figure out how to get one without scaring them away first heh.

2. Not really.. I do try and find groups, but every time I get involved with one, someone acts like a piece of trash, and I go on the attack. Eventually I have to leave the group because no one can tolerate me being around anymore when I am angry. I don't even do violent things... my attacks are purely psychological, and apparently I am intelligent as shit because I can cut down people without even trying at this point. It isn't something I am proud of... but it is the only thing I am truly good at -- pain and destruction.

3. No way. I think I need to tackle #1 and #2 before I can get to forgiving anyone. I can't even forgive someone who calls me an off-color name or says something heinous, and it could even me someone I don't know. I simply want them gone away from me after I hear it.

Basically I am a highly intelligent, yet even moreso screwed up individual. I know the traumas now and what caused them.. it just feels like it is too late to fix any of it. I'm 41.

It would help if someone got back to me, but every time I am not getting any calls back, it only reinforces what I am thinking... it's too much to fix.

[VintageCollector1 in reply to JohanSonne]

Hello!My life story sounds very similar to yours. The sperm donor who knocked my mom up with me was absent in my life, part-time at first and then full-time after he knocked my mom up a second time. I have an older sister, who's TWO WEEKS older than I am (yes, you read that accurately). I also have a younger sister, who has the same mom and sperm donor, whom I do NOT claim or allow in my life. I had a younger brother (different mom; same sperm donor), but he was killed in a vehicle accident when he was 18. Truth be told, I probably have many other siblings out there somewhere. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Mr. Sperm was not in my life from around age 3 until I was 16. The only reason he had anything to do with me at 16 is because my younger sister wanted to visit him at his house on weekends...my mom did not want her going alone. Basically, I had no choice.

I can remember him physically abusing and mentally abusing my mom when I was little and to be honest, I made sure he knew how I felt about him and thought of him. He would just laugh. I would tell him that his behavior was all the proof that I needed to know that I hadn't missed out on a dang thing my entire life but he had missed out on EVERYTHING! I was not sorry! He made the choices he made, and when he died a few years ago, I hope he was still happy with the life he chose to live.

I HATED him and everyone who knows me knows that. He even knew that!

I would not allow my two boys to meet him. I never even told them that my mom's husband, their Pop, wasn't my dad. My boys didn't have a clue, and I wouldn't change that decision I made for anything.

I didn't realize the life I lived without him would be as traumatic as it is. I have cried and cried some more. Then I'd cry again cause I was mad at allowing him to screw me up.

I saw a therapist, until Covid, and she helped me tremendously! She had me to physically write letters to those who had ever caused me any pain. Big pain. Small pain. Years of pain. Moments of pain. Write them all, she said. She wanted me to write and tell each person that they had hurt me, caused me pain, etc because xyz and I was pissed. Then I went into great details about my pain/hurt/issues due to his behavior. I was very blunt and honest... after I completed my letters, I was told to read them to myself. Feel the emotions I need to feel, and then do my very best to forgive each person. I was able to forgive some, while I still need to work on things (possibly write another letter) with others. The letters helped me to put my pain out there for others to realize their actions did have consequences. Maybe those consequences weren't anything they were aware of at that time, but I sure was...and they needed to know! I felt a lot better after writing the letters, even though I couldn't forgive everyone. Maybe one day...

Maybe this is an exercise you can try to see if it helps you. 🤗

[JohanSonne in reply to VintageCollector1]

Thank you for the reply Vintage.. like you, I didn't realize just how big of an impact not having a father (or any male role model) in the home would be. You end up looking for something that isn't there, usually in terrible places and with terrible people.

It is harder to keep things together now, I notice. The mental strain of mom, my liver, trying to work full-time and now, off of all the meds because they were ruining my memory, and I still have issues from them even weeks later... it feels like watching a movie, you know? It is your life, but it's playing like a movie rather than an actual life.

The medical terminology is dissociation, and it really is like being beside yourself continually, even when you're face-to-face with someone. It's a wild feeling, and you never feel good anymore either... it's like you're always wound up, ready to go off at any moment for any reason (including no reason, just because I feel like it). Maybe when you very first wake up, you feel good since you don't remember any of the horrible stuff from the day before, but as soon as you start remembering, your mind is in hell instantly.

I am still trying to figure out how most people do it... push happiness through when there's nothing to be happy about. I know I'm not the only person that feels all this hell... I just know others have something that helps them through. Of course, that could be the results of those people with both parents vs. me with only one side of parenting available.

I will say one thing... I forgive my mom, and being her caregiver, I told her that to her face. I admit that she made plenty of mistakes with me, but her parents were horrible to her, treated her like trash plus verbally and physically assaulted her every day until she was 18 and got tf out of there. So I forgive her... she could only do what she could do, with the hand she had been dealt in life.

Same with me, I can only do what I can do, with the hand I've been dealt in life. I realize now that it is too much to expect "normalcy" because I wasn't born from normalcy.. I was the offspring of a strange encounter, one where mom in her desperation tricked dad into making me, but then turned on him and sued him for child support yet refused to let him see me ever. You can imagine what that did to me growing up... I thought that men were supposed to pay, but not be involved in the picture period because they are bad. Mom even says today that isn't what she intended, but more that he had too many issues, mainly the non-stop chain smoking, and she didn't want him around me because of that. The one time she let him take me for a visitation, she said I came back smelling like smoke really bad, so for that, I do thank her... but the scars are still there.

What I *do* blame her for, is not getting remarried or at least having a f*ck buddy around, so I could see that men aren't bad, and I could emulate a man so there would be less confusion later on. How overarching the human story becomes, once you think things out long scale like this. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, all routes back to your childhood and the first experiences.

I still wonder... why me? Why was I chosen for this? I'm not a spiritual person, but if I was, the biggest question is why. I know the how, the what, the who, the where, and then when... but never the why. That is what is driving me more and more into madness, because I am the guy that figures things out and gets the right answers, no matter how hard it might be.

This is a nut I can't crack. Why me? What did I do from inception that should have resulted in this? Health hanging by a thread; watching mom slowly slip more and more into dementia; my mind is in shambles and it's getting worse. Why me? Why does everything cancel out with me? Why do I self-sabotage everything? Why?

[Amiwrong]

trauma crosses into generations. Complex post traumatic stress disorder, emotionally absent parent(s), will cause triggers, dis regulations, and physical ailments as an adult. Our child selves don’t just stay in the past. What you are going through and using words like “why me” is probably text book for issues that psychologists can help you with. Keep calling until someone gets back to you, or find a therapist who offers virtual sessions. You sound solution oriented so keep trying, don’t give up on your search for answers, even if that means learning acceptance