Having a hard time lately

[BunnyBlues]

I've just moved back to college, but since I've been back my mental health has taken a dive. My POTS symptoms got worse than ever, and I think I'm suicidal, though I try to distract myself from it. I am trying to get help, but at the same time I'm terrified of the world.Like I'll get locked up and shipped off to another hospital only for them to tell me that they'll throw me out because I was having a meltdown.

(That did happen, I was 17 and it was after my suicide attempt.) (It was a mental hospital.) (The meltdown was because they refused to call me my preferred name and pronouns, the main reason I attempted suicide.)

I'm now stable in my gender identity, but now I'm attempting to process the trauma I went through as a child, which is having some pretty bad kickback I guess. I'm tired all the time. Things that don't go exactly how I want them to go make me unreasonably angry. It makes me want to hurt myself.

(I do avoid actuality hurting myself and others with a number of coping mechanisms. (Basically throwing a fit (alone) and crying (still alone usually.))

I'm struggling with a massive increase of suicidal thoughts, where I'll be staring off into space and realize I had just thought up an entire plan on how to kill myself. I don't want to die, but living is such a struggle. I can barely muster up the energy to get out of bed and feed myself. Work is almost impossible.

I called my doctor today to increase my dose of antidepressants, and I've got therapy Wednesday. I'm going to make a plan in case I get worse, but for now I'll just keep going.

[Marysblue]

I thought I sent you a reply but I guess I didnt. How are you doing now, did you get with your doctor and therapist? Those thoughts you're having are a symptom of depression. I have them too when I get really down. They go away once you get better but they're horrible. Keep fighting, call some crisis lines if you need to that's what they're there for. You can get better.