Who is that in the mirror

Before lupus I used to check my self and see a quiet and average looking woman staring back at me that I used to take pride in my appearance. I wasn't the skinniest woman I was an average size 16 and very comfortable about my size loving dressing up and wearing the reddest lipstick ever.


After lupus I I don't see the same woman staring back at me, i see a stranger that has an over bloated stomach a chubby face a scared butter fly rash on her face. Tired red eyeswith dark rings painted around.

I see this stranger this woman that looks back at me and I don't recognise her, this woman who now doesn't take that much pride in her appearance. I see woman in pain. A woman I don't recognise any more.

A stranger who I don't want to get to know, a stranger who now hides a way. Who wants to

know this stranger ? whos life revolves around doctors and hospital and repeat prescriptions. Whos best friend is her bed.

Pity party is over thanks for reading this post. :(


20 Replies

  • Bless u. Just take comfort that u aint alone my lovely. I don't know who I am anymore, So many people identify with u. Like the old BT advert used 2 say "It's good 2 talk" ;0)

  • It feels so good to know that someone feels the way I do.thank you for your kind words x

  • I hear you luppychick! I will be 59 in January, but up until March 2011, I was still able to look in the mirror and say, "You are doing OK for an old lady". I had a lot of different medical issues over the years that came and went, but March was when it became hard to ignore. That wasn't my face looking back at me anymore - and I haven't seen it since - the eyes do it. If I start preparing for an outing several hours early then the bright red flush from shower and trying to put on some moisturizer and makeup has died down a bit. But by the time you get out you are exhausted and it shows. My husband of 40 years (we started dating when we were 15 and 16), has always been in love (not just loved) and would always say he still couldn't believe I was his wife. Now, when feeling good, I spend time getting beautified before he comes home from work, and when he gets home I see his eyes rush over my face doing a quick examination of my health. Once in a while he says, "you look pretty, are we going out!" But mostly it is, "How you feeling, you look tired". I know his love is forever and not based on my appearance, but I feel sad and guilty when I see that look in his eyes. It seems like overnight he was handed a different wife and a different future. I don't like looking in the mirror and seeing that person that use to be me.

    Thank you for the space to feel sorry for myself, I will feel better tomorrow.

  • This rings loud and clear. I know my husband will always love me but I feel his pain at the sudden change to our lives

  • bless u both. Personally, I really have 2 motivate myself 2 get sorted most days, if I didn't have my children 2 take care of I'd probably live in my bed lol! Now I just tend 2 enjoy the 'little things': If I've managed 2 actually get showered, dressed & put on a bit of slap before midday, I feel like I've achieved something :0)

  • I hear you chapter my husband before lupus used to greet me by saying hey sexy what are we doing today . After lupus his greetings condists off how you feeling? You look tired? Are you in pain? I know he loves me this man has being my rock without him and my son I don't think I could have had the strenth to carry on. I hear you chapter. I think everyone should have 15 minutes to have there own pity party!

    Luppychick :)

  • Hi luppychick

    I'm sure what you have written will strike a chord with many of us. I hate looking in the mirror cos I definitely don't like what I see!!!! But it's so hard to make an effort, especially now that I need crutches to get around. I used to be a PE teacher in my younger days, full of energy and playing in a variety of different sports teams in my local area. Now I struggle with walking and everything is such an effort. Like you my life seems to revolve round appointments!

    It's important to try and get out for a bit of fresh air if you can, even if it's only for a short while. My husband took me for a drive to a local beach last Sunday and it was so good just to be in a different environment and forget my problems for a while.

    So when you have a better day (and I know sometimes they are often rare ) why not put on some of that red lipstick you mentioned, look in the mirror and remember that you are still the same person that you always were and you are not going to let lupus beat you.

    Keep strong luppychick. Sending lots of hugs


  • It's really hard sometimes Jane. i used to be a bubbly person who had such a really positive outlook on life and now all that's changed. My husband takes me to the seaside but after a couple hours i am beat, and that's me for the day no romantic evening meals, it straight to bed (to sleep)as I just 2 hrs activity wears me out that why am taking I'll health retirement from work,after being disagnoied with diabetes recently plus a painfullC4 C5 sliped disc a toumour which is benign in my jaw artiral fibulation on my heart so i am on beta blockers.

    I need to spend more time with my family and not in hospital so after thirty years working its time for me to stop.

    Wow sorry for rambling Jane thank you for your reply hugs back.

    Luppychick x

  • I'm just thinking about ill health retirement after over 30 years too!! We need to think about ourselves don't we and the things that are most important. I think retirement will help getting a bit of quality back in my life, with time to rest when I need to and less pressure and stress which comes with a job.

    I'm sure retirement will benefit you too.

    We all share common problems on this site so everyone is there for you so don't ever feel you are rambling cos you're not!!

    Now you get some rest and I hope that you have a better day tomorrow x

  • My legs are painfully finding it hard to sleep but you take care and have a good night sleep x

    Luppychick x

  • Oh my friends, we all know how you feel. I went from a size 12 at 40years old to a size 16 at 65, with not a lot of hair. I have weeks like you and it does not help that my hubby put a wall of mirror tiles in the bathroom to make it look bigger! I get in and out of the bath with my eyes closed!! Large mirrow ardrobe door do not help either, but then I looked one day and though HEY, they are LAUGHTER lines and my body has a 'seen life' look! I go swimming 6 days a week and swim a Mile a day and got my 2000 mile award last year (we clock them up every day). It gives you confidence in yourself to wear a cossie and I think well if they laugh at me they are leaving some other poor B... alone. Just try a little bit at a time, try a new hairstyle, perhaps hi-lights in it, just ONE new outfit and that could just start you feeling a bit better. I know I will never get back to a size 12 - but I will keep on trying, I joined Slimming World and I have lost 2 stone and knowing I am with people who KNOW how I feel makes a lot of differance.

    GOOD LUCK my friend, we are all praying you will feel better about yourself soon. The PARTY is never over. LAUGH at Yourself, I look in the mirror and say "God, girl you are sure ugly - lets go and enjoy what life I have left" xxx

  • Oh hun, Beauty is within and you sound lovely. I feel the same about seeing a stranger in the mirror and so does my husband as he has decided he doesn't love me or "fat lazy cow" as he calls me! So I have to be brave,love myself (as no-one else does) and go on a man hunt. At 43yrs old ..starting life again is daunting..at what point do you tell them that you are ill lol ...so, do as I do and look in your mirror and learn to love the person you have become. Keep strong and take care. I'm here to have a chat with at any time. X.

  • What an evil man, this man is not a human and has masked his bad behaviour so someone as lovely as you could marry him.

    Your soul mate is out there looking for you,thanks for your support I feel badly now I sound so petty and selfish your post puts my post in to prospective.

    Thank you in advance for your time Sharon and your kind offer x

  • Keep smiling hun and tell yourself you are still beautiful xx. YOU ARE WORTH IT...remember that xx

  • I was in a 11 year relationship where i got treated to You're always ill! No understanding at all. I thought i'd always be stuck in this situation as being poorly and a transplant patient due to lupus i can only manage a part time job, (used to work 2 jobs until i went a bit downhill) how could i leave i had nothing financially, no roof for over my head, zip, nowt. Then at work i got noticed early last year by a man who accepts me for what i am. I am cosseted, loved, cherished and spoilt to bits. My tablets are made up for me for the week, my prescriptions collected if i cant get them, i am bought breakfast in bed every day,i get a call mid morning to make sure i've been able to make it out of bed to get ready for work, i'm made drinks and also bought drinks into work for me to make sure i'm keeping up with my fluids. The ironing gets done, the housework shared, the dog walked, cooking is shared etc. I have flowers and hearts cut out of things and chalk board messages left for me. I'm told i look lovely and to hold my head up high, i'm defended when ignoramosies can't see my illness. I'm told to go and sit down and rest when as usual i'm over doing things. Being a very independant person used to doing all the work myself it was hard to bow down and accept all this love and help, it made me mad at first but now mostly i let it happen and we work together as a great team in all we do. All this is what you deserve too and when you find the right man, he will take you on however you are. Needless to say i'm marrying my Mr Right on my 48th birthday, Dec 28th. Don't know how i will get up early in the morning (i'm sure to get several alarm calls lol) and manage a whole day to 11pm but i know my man will be there waiting for me with tears in his eyes and that whatever years i have ahead it will be full of love and respect. Hope this doesn't make you grab for the sick bucket lol but give you hope that there is a someone for EVERY type of person, healthy or ill. x

  • This comment in particular is for Sharonleane or any other woman in her positon! Take care now. x

  • What manadam said "congratulations Honey" I love happy ever afters x

  • Thank you luppychick x

  • All I can say is congratulations hun and well done you for accepting all that love and care which is hard to do if you are independent. Hope it all goes well and post us some photos of you on your wedding day. Xx. You bring me hope and hugs for sharing your story.,it is a lovely one xx

  • Thank you sharonleane, keep going girl, you just never know fate may send you a shining knight :0D x

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