Relationship lupus

[Jhoanac]

Happy Easter to everyone. Cut the story short. I met my girlfriend 3 years ago. She was diagnosed with Lupus when she was a child. She has a bad habits ongoing she smokes , she has a gum disease(poor higiene), she is overweight. Constantly we are argued about how her careless and how she tackle her deases. She does not take any advise from doctors, dentists , nutritionist. I can not make my head around up how she is incapable to look after herself thus as far as I know about the lupus the diet have be on point (no food process), terminally smoking is not permitted.

I have no idea How To change her habits towards a healthy and welfare life.

I would like to know your thoughts

Best wishes

[PMRpro]

Don't ever imagine in a relationship that you can change the other member of the partnership. It doesn't matter what the problem is - if you go into that journey expecting it it will be doomed to failure.

[Jhoanac in reply to PMRpro]

Thanks for your advisa

[eekt]

Hello Bksacuesa, you clearly have a strong bond with your girlfriend if you care enough to seek help on her behalf...perhaps you could gift her a LupusUK membership first off, so she has some sound advice and can find others in the same situation to connect with?

And then - and it might take some persuasion - some GPs offer a lifestyle coaching service with regards to diet, smoking, exercise...so possibly in the future, after lockdown, you could take her along t one of those appointments? There may also be counselling available too, being diagnosed with lupus at a young age is very, very hard, emotionally, psychologically, physically

Offer to accompany her to doctors' appointments, it's so much better to have support and company at these, and to be sure she's being straight up about her lifestyle!

Smoking seriously increases the risks of lupus, and doctors will have told her to stop!

Lastly, if there's a love there, she WILL listen to you, ask her to change her ways for you

All the best, stay safe and keep posting...let us know how you go xxxx

[Jhoanac in reply to eekt]

Hi eekt thanks for your message. I keep it in mind.I will offer her to accompany to doctors' appointments . We talked about this forum already. She knows it exists.

She joined weight watcher a while ago and it worked she lost weight. She was strict following the program but the program last 6 month (v free) . I realized she is starting to add junk food, chocolate quite often without no exercises when it comes to working out she is from another planet she prefers be staying indoors watching TV . I am feel a bit frustrated giving to her advices that she does not want to take it so my support are being rejected.I can not force her to do something she does not want to do.

Anyway I will keep you informeded. Thanks again for your message

[svfarmer]

Believe you me you cannot change any ones behaviour you can offer all the advice you want but if they don’t want to change that’s it - am saying this as about 20 years ago my boyfriend at the time had real bad alcohol problems - the times i thought and hoped he would change but he never did and I ended up breaking up with him so I feel your frustration x

[Jhoanac in reply to svfarmer]

Hi svfarmer thank for replying back my message. I guess you know I have been through.

Thank for listening to me

[Hamptons]

People have to want to change. It maybe that part of this is her way of coping. Having a chronic illness that can overshadow every aspect of your life takes a lot of processing. People manage it differently. I know that for many years I deliberately went or ignored medical advice so I felt I had control. It may be about showing her that life can still be good and full and exciting despite having the illness. Understanding where her head is. If she was diagnosed as a child that is a lot of years dealing with a disease and it would have been managed by adults and doctors for much of her life. She may not know how to manage it all herself.

Having Lupus is tough, medications that are meant to help bring a world of side effects which make life tougher. They can add to body size and give extra red rashes. It does make you feel physically self conscious. Some days doing small activities can be like running a marathon. I know there are days I hate my body because of the challenges it gives me not in a dysmorphic way. It can feel like you can never win against it. Healthy diets and regimes are great. But, again it can feel like another thing you have to do that others don’t have to. Another thing that makes you feel different from everyone else.

You are coming from a place of love and that is beautiful, we all need someone to support us. I know having a partner of 3 years how different it has made my life. It has also made me more responsible about my Lupus care. Explain your worries and concerns but you can’t make someone change. Also, don’t make it about Lupus, make it about your lives and both eating healthy so you can go on long walks by a river, travelling, being able to share amazing experiences. Tell her how. I h you love her and how great she is. Be her lover, friend and partner not her doctor. We all have enough of those. Ultimately, though she has to want to change so give a Beautiful reason not a Lupus one.

[heatherevans28]

You do not provide much information on her illness but if it started as a teenager (or younger) then research suggests that it tends to be more aggressive. It is therefore unclear whether she is on steroids for her lupus. If she is, then increased appetite and water retention can make weight gain a real struggle. I gained 3 stone within 2 months when I was first on high dose steroids, but as the dosage reduced so did my weight.

Exercise with joint pain and fatigue can also be extremely challenging and requires support at home & consent from consultants to slowly reintroduce. Low impact is recommended but even introducing what you might think of as a tiny amount of exercise can be very hard physically as the body adjusts.

The other thing to note is that although healthy eating is of course recommended, this alone will not cure her lupus. Pain and fatigue can mean that many people who are chronically ill end up eating more processed food. It's not good for anyone but it's not going to cause flares specifically.

I'm sure her consultants will have discussed smoking and any other concerns they have. She has to choose to make those changes and if she doesn't want to, you need to be able to accept that. While it is fine to encourage her in any changes she wants to make, it is not okay to push her any further than she is ready to go.

I hope this helps, but I would definitely recommend reading up on the condition via Lupus UKs website. There are specific pages about healthy eating, exercise and smoking with advice from medical professionals x

[Jhoanac]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience with me.