Hello, I am typing this in hopes of finding people out there who can explain this to me or at least relate to me.
Sometimes I can't help but feel fake. I honestly don't really know why. There are times when I interact with people and I feel guilty because I would not be as social or as funny or as outgoing as people may like me to be. I noticed that I often wish to be friends with the outgoing people but they end up naturally sticking to more outgoing and loud people. I get frustrated because I try my best to give reactions and share more about myself than I would like to. But then I end up feeling weak, fake and like I was spreading myself thin only to be left out and dry. I end up being different with my own close friends. With them I can act silly, loud when I feel like it and be fine. And at those moments, I sometimes get a guilty feeling in me, like I was being fake or something. I wish I could just pour myself out and feel free to react and talk without feeling bashful or easily embarrassed. I hate it.
Anyway, I also noticed this weird thing about me where I feel weird giving affection or receiving affection. I tried making sense of this mentality and I think it is because I can be a horrible sibling or daughter. I mean I also had a traumatic childhood that involved sexual abuse. (That has received attention and SOME counseling as far as I could afford it). But overall, I think this is happening because I have low self-esteem and self-worth. I can't afford to go seek professional help now so what do I do?
I really can't afford professional help. Also, things like eating food, going out, shopping, cooking, going on the internet have lost a lot of meaning for me, which makes life boring for me. I always leave Facebook feeling depressed because everyone on their is having a great life or things going on, except me. Things just seems so mundane and repetitive at this point.
I apologize as this seems to talk about SEVERAL different things but they do touch on one another.
However, I am not like this all the time. Of course, I have my happy-stupid-silly moments. I am 23, single, and about to start teaching soon! I am excited to teach for the first time! I am just typing this because I don't want to hit a downpoint like this anymore. Its annoying.
Thank you for reading this and appreciate any thoughts or comments.