it just hurts

[CarnelianAmber]

It is so difficult when, being triggered, I say or do something that I would never say or do if not triggered. Then, apologizing and hoping for understanding and/or forgiveness when I am met with harshness, perhaps rightfully so, I feel so defeated. That is where I am tonight. I didn’t ask for my experiences or my triggers. True, my response was not okay or acceptable. But Damn, this can be so hard.

[Dolphin14 Moderator]

CarnelianAmber

Relationship are so hard for some of us to deal with.

True, you didn't ask for any of this. You are left to sort through so many difficult things.

I still struggle with this one. I do feel we need to use our voice but fine tuning our reactions to things takes work. It's another hurdle we have to jump.

Have you tried journaling this? You could write what happened and then write how you think you may have handled it better?

I don't know about you but in the past I was very quick to react to things. I now take that deep breath and try to focus on the best response before I say something. It takes so much practice, it's frustrating.

Things will start to come together. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can

❤️🐬

[CarnelianAmber in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you. I am going to join an online group with an organization called REBoot to try to work some of this out. It was originally designed to help veterans and first responders dealing with PTSD. It has expanded to include others. Slowing myself down before reacting rather than responding is something I need to work on.

[Dolphin14 Moderator in reply to CarnelianAmber]

I've never heard of this. That's the beauty of this site, we learn what's out there and can try new things.

Many years ago I watched a brief documentary on a military veteran. I listened to him so closely and every symptom he had and every problem he was struggling with were the same as mine. I was shocked because I somehow felt my traumas were nothing compared to his.

Medical personnel were not even recognized as people that suffered trauma until a few years ago. My career was in medicine and I can tell you first hand how many times I wish we had some counseling for some of the things we experienced.

We would love for you to share your experience if you feel comfortable with that.

You are determined I'm proud of you for taking steps forward

[CarnelianAmber in reply to Dolphin14]

The founders of REBOOT Recovery are Evan and Jenny Owen’s. They have many resources on their online site. Free resources also. I have been working my way through their book “Healing What’s Hidden, Practical steps to overcoming trauma”. Their online group is free apart from a 25$ fee for the workbook they use. They are Christian based, their own beliefs, but not pushy or judgmental that I have found. I start with the group work this coming weekend. 2 hours a week.

[Dolphin14 Moderator in reply to CarnelianAmber]

I'm going to take a peek at the site. Thank you for the information and I'm hopeful you will learn many things in this group

[Mamamichl]

If possible, talk to people you care to be around about what triggers you (yelling, talking about x, etc). If they care, they will help you make adjustments. Sure, your triggered behavior is hurtful, but you are being hurt by being triggered too. You can’t help it all of the time.

[CarnelianAmber in reply to Mamamichl]

Thank you.

[Mamamichl in reply to CarnelianAmber]

🫂

[SavingGrace Administrator]

yep: have been on this repeat wheel of seeming doom, many a time now. Starting to feel slightly embarrassed and less self righteous after each account. So learning to just respect my thoughts and realise that I don’t need to share my views in order they be justified nor validated.

It’s starting to slowly work. But it is hard. When triggered, it can easily be a case of trying to set one’s record straight, no matter what.

[CarnelianAmber]

yes. I wasn’t allowed to speak growing up. Not about what happened at two years or anything unpleasant afterwards. I was required to choke down and bury anything that might be unpleasant to anyone else or anything that put any family member in a bad light. Getting beyond my wanting to scream some things from the highest mountaintop has been a road (sometimes including screaming some things from the highest mountaintop I can find.) I am just beginning to get beyond wanting others to understand.

[SavingGrace Administrator in reply to CarnelianAmber]

And this sounds like a very healthy and positive place to be getting to CarnelianAmber.

I had a therapist who wanted me to scream out loud on a mountain top (figuratively). I was not yet ready to do so. Yet Everything in good time. Being patient has many virtues, yet it is also good to regain connection to one’s true authentic voice.