Hi, all. Hope all is well. ♡
This is my first post here. It may be long; I apologize in advance, but thank those who read through.
I recently had to leave my job after being sexually assaulted by my employer. I had worked at this job for a few years - it's a privately owned business, so verbal sexual harassment was common with no consequence. but I never thought it would go beyond words. Words I can, more or less, handle.
After the incident, I went to speak with the manager about next steps. I trusted she could help. She explained to me that as long as I worked there, I would be working for a predator. She also said all employees know to use the buddy system when he is around, for safety. She claimed this was disclosed to me at the time of hiring, years ago. I can promise you, it was not. I wouldn't have accepted the job, otherwise. (Mind you, the employer is a mid-50 male who ONLY hires females). These words helped open my eyes, and I never returned to work.
For the first 3 weeks, I hit a serious depressive, anxious, PTSD-riddled low. I slept all the time. Ate never. Did nothing. I was a husk. And all I could do was relive the incident through intrusive thoughts and constant nightmares. And those intrusive thoughts/nightmares would grow into strange, fearful, twisted places. Soon, my dreams began to exhaust me - I felt so much while I slept, and felt nothing when I woke.
Finally, the worst of it was over. I rode it out, I started to recover. The darkness broke, ever so slightly (enough to escape). I tried to set aside the guilt, pain, shame, and the fears.
Then my (ex) coworkers messaged me that I was not a real victim, that I'm taking advantage of the employer, and that I asked for it anyway. This was coming from women who had suffered alongside me through years of sexual harassment at work. I, honestly, expected they would support me once they knew. But I can see how me never returning to work or sharing my story directly with my coworkers allowed for the employer to twist the story and feed his version to them.
I found myself at the bottom of the void, again.
If you happened to read my bio, you'll know that I have survived trauma before. I have survived myself. I have survived worse.
I have cycled through depression most of my life; these struggles are not new to me. The pain is not unfamiliar. But this time feels different. It feels like I'll never be safe, that people will always take advantage of me, that I will always be small.
Recently, my dreams began evolving. Now, all of my traumas are revisiting, in pieces, all mixed together. This most recent event is a very common theme in these dreams, but it's no longer the sole focus. I feel trapped in these dreams. I feel lost, out of focus and control. This morning, my husband woke and heard me say, "why won't anyone help me?!"
I was dead asleep.
As I near this part of the post, I've run out of things to say. I dont know what to make of what's going on. Therapy isn't really offering any direction, they just want to try PTSD sleep medication if the dreams continue for another week (2 months of nightmares by then). I dont want to just shut them off. I want to understand. I want to decipher.
Thanks for listening.
When is enough enough !? How much more can I take !? What else ? *trigger warning*
I don't know how to get back to normal me.
PTSD and me.. old ghosts are revisiting..
Nightmares
Hopeful but scared...
